Coach is a bully

You need to go to the welfare officer now.

The club should have a welfare officer. Not great that the head coach didn’t respond at all. That in itself is a concern re safeguarding. And use the word safeguarding.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry if I'm too blunt, but I think you are looking for some words or actions that will stop the coach from acting like this. There aren't any. He is a bully and he has decided to target your son to make himself feel powerful. While you leave your son there, he is learning that it is his fault that he is being targeted and abused, and if he just tries a bit harder, he will be able to gain the coach's approval. He can't and he is learning bad behavioural patterns that are setting him up to be potentially bullied in the future. I know you've told him it's not ok, but that's not the message you're sending him by leaving him there. You really need to pull him out.

Go to the welfare officer before you go to the coach @ChristmasC, they are there to protect the kids' welfare and need to know. Preferably have them involved in any meeting with the coach.

I would ask for a meeting with the welfare officer. I would also start sitting at the very front of the balcony and taking notes of any incidents with the coach.

Report to the welfare officer for the club. Write down any other concerns. Not minimising the coaches behaviour but just be sure your child doing everything he can to get praise isn't being disruptive. There's no much room for individuality in swimming. There should be set criteria for moving up squads, are they transparent with these? It does sound like this club isn't protecting children properly if no other coaches or parents reported this behaviour. You need to report as it may be added to other reports which means the coach needs to go on additional training or have a break.

You must report this. Both to the head coach and swim england.

Otherwise you're teaching your son that if someone is abusive to him, he should accept that abuse and try harder to please them in order to win them over.

That's a really, really damaging mindset for him at a pivotal age.

What a horrible experience. I hope you are all feeling a bit better .

I don't think you should send your son back either - I agree with the others he will end up with self esteem issues if this carries on long term. I think there was a thread on here today about the long term impact of being bullied. I know you would ideally like to resolve it but, honestly, I don't think that's possible. You're not going to show the coach the errors of his ways. It's not that he doesn't realise he's a bully, it's that he enjoys being a bully.

I don't think confronting him there and then would have been a good idea. Far better to get the child home, look after him, calm down and then prepare to give it both barrels through official channels.

Confronting aggressive male bullies rarely goes well, especially in front of children.

I would have been down there after the session was over giving the coach a piece of my mind to be honest.

It’s a horrible situation to be in,( personally I would have probably pushed him in the pool 😂 ) especially as your boy wants to carry on going to the lessons, but he cannot be allowed to treat him lthis way
I think Random is right it will have to be addressed as if he thinks he can get away with that sort of behavior in front of the the child’s parents he is definitely not going to rein it in.
Hope you get it sorted for your son he seems more mature than his coach.

Under no circumstances can you as a parent allow this to continue. You have to be the parent here regardless of what your son says he wants. You need to try and address it with the coach himself, the head coach and/or swim England. If that does not work you need to remove him. You cannot allow him to be continue to be abused whether he wants to or not. It is not in his best interest. There are other clubs and this will gradually destroy his self esteem.

Sadly I've found swimming to be like this. I raised a complaint with swim England after repeated poor behaviour from the coach. In the end the coach was managed out but the problem was the ethos, their behaviour was deemed acceptable to get results. We changed sports and the difference was stark

Oh and if nothing gets sorted I would go to another club and tell your son he can always come back in 2 years when he would have different coach. I bet by then he wouldn't want to as he would have made new friends at the new club.

Speak to your clubs welfare officer. Also are they really not allowed to overtake or was it that he was racing? Overtaking during a normal set is fairly common as some kids will be faster and slower at different strokes. It just has to be done carefully and respectfully.

I probably would have gone and dealt with it there and then tbh

It is an awful feeling when another adult loathes your child, I know. This isn't a personality clash though, this guy is an abuser who needs to be stopped, for the sake of other children as well as yours. Screaming in a child's face like that, especially in front of a crowd and the child's own parent is extreme. for you, you must be shaken.

Gosh, I would have been down there like a shot to ask WTF he thought he was doing. He's a bully and your son needs you to protect him. Call him on it and call the club on their lack action. Insist that the coaches are swapped around so your son doesn't have to deal with him anymore.

Please report this. To the club head coach, to the club welfare officer, to swim england.

It is bullying. It is wrong. If they won’t do anything threaten press- on twitter there are some very supportive journalists- check out the gymnastics community who are really trying to stamp out this style of coaching.

If they do nothing remove your child. Join a different club and let everyone know why.

It will destroy your childs self esteem.

And not allowed to overtake? When did that happen? In my day it was entirely normal to switch positions if you were having a good day, or were better at a given stroke/distance. Swimmers normally sorted the order out amongst themselves easily enough.