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Original poster

Coach is a bully

83 replies

ChristmasC · 21/01/2022 21:56

So the swim coach hates my son (age 10) and I'm at a loss what to do :( It started off with small things - not putting him up a squad, criticising him all the time, telling him off for things the other kids do, picking on him.

Tonight my son overtook another kid in his lane (ok, they shouldn't race, but this is not something that deserves more than a quiet chat or a quick reminder, and it's not like they don't all do it!) and the coach got him out of the pool and in front of the whole squad (and parents in balcony, and other squad, and other coaches) he yelled at him. A massive rant in a loud, scary, belittling voice. I was far up on the balcony and it gave me a fright, let alone how my small (just turned) 10 year old felt standing there with everyone looking at him and having his coach yell at him.

Now ... my son never cries. He's a tough cookie. But this must have shaken him alot as he cried once he got back in the pool and looked really upset. Another coach had to take him aside and talk to him gently by the pool.

I've had enough.

My son is a good kid. He is never on trouble at school. He tries so so hard to impress this coach and is desperate for some praise, but he is constantly told off. He's been off school sick the last few days and wasnt really feeling up to training, but went today mainly to please the coach. A bit of a 'how are you feeling after being poorly' would have been nice. Not a massive yelling at.

It's not ok to shout at a child like that. It was bullying and abusive and humiliating. I have never shouted at my son like that. Ever. His teachers have never raised their voice at him. No-one has ever talked to him like that.

DS and I had a chat tonight and I explained it's never ok for an adult to speak to a child (or anyone else) the way his coach spoke to him tonight. He understands that and seems ok. I've also let him know he can leave the club anytime.

I just don't know what to do. Before tonight I've tried to encourage DS to leave the club because of this coach, but he won't go. He loves his friends and the head coach (who he'll have in about 2 years if he can hang in that long). I've previously emailed the head coach with my concerns about how his current coach picks on him, but he didn't reply. Tonight I don't know what to do :( feel so helpless. I guess there's not alot I can do. I don't want to make the coach pick on him even more.

Anyone been through this? Any advice?

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 04/02/2022 21:37

I'd not let him back. I'd find another club. And I'd put in a formal complaint.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 21:33

@Porseb is absolutely right. Clubs are also massively different, I’ve never seen anything like this at ours and people would be horrified by it.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 21:31

hmm , I'm not sure a grown adult abusing a child isn't good enough reason to break this law.
I'd be filming until I could get close enough to give him a few expletives.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Safeguarding is there to protect all of the children, so you need to grow up and follow the policy. Like this coach.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 04/02/2022 20:39

Eh are you continuing to take your child to a swim club to be bullied by an adult and not actually say or do anything?'it won't make it worse as it's happening anyway!
You need to take control of the situation and protect your child !

Houseofvelour · 04/02/2022 20:19

@MondayYogurt

I'm confused why you aren't trying to break the cycle of abuse your child is caught in. The coach is abusive. Your son is learning to try and appease an abuser. That's not a life lesson you want him to have.
This.

Whether or not your son enjoys it is irrelevant. You need to protect him and take him out of this situation.
You said you and your DH didn't do anything for fear that the coach would bully him more? 1. You're letting the bully win and 2. Your son shouldn't be put in a situation where he's bullied.
I'd remove him from the club immediately whilst speaking to Swim England and the safeguarding officer and I'd put in a formal complaint to the head coach.
Do not let your son return until that POS is gone.

QueenofLouisiana · 04/02/2022 19:28

Contact your safeguarding officer, assuming it is a swim safe club there will be one. If it isn’t, pull your child out. There should be a chance to discuss this on the record and a plan put in place.

However, we’ve been in this position. We moved clubs, DS had been there for 5 years and was the first national finalist they’d had. He stayed until nationals, then moved. I insisted on this, as I thought he owed it the club, I rather wish I hadn’t! He was much happier once he moved and improved far more rapidly.

Porseb · 04/02/2022 19:17

I used to be on committee with a swim club.

Your first port of call is safeguarding Officer as everyone else has said.

Your club should have a formal complaints process - read up on it. Put in a formal complaint.

If this isn't resolved at club level, take it to your governing body (Swim England).

Not all clubs or coaches are like this.

We had a trial coach once who shouted at swimmers in front of parents and safeguarding officer. Safeguarding Officer had word in private with him. We did not give him a contract to continue.

Bananarama21 · 04/02/2022 18:31

I'm a swimming teacher and that's never OK. I'd move him to another club if you get no joy from the head coach.

MondayYogurt · 04/02/2022 18:30

I'm confused why you aren't trying to break the cycle of abuse your child is caught in.
The coach is abusive. Your son is learning to try and appease an abuser. That's not a life lesson you want him to have.

Susu49 · 04/02/2022 18:17

I'd read the coach the riot act if I saw him treat my child like that!

I understand it can be intimidating for you too though. However you absolutely need to put a stop to this NOW, one way or another.

I'd also be tempted to go to the local paper Hmm

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 04/02/2022 18:13

Woman up, for God's sake, op, and stand up for your son. Take him out of training now, contact your clubs welfare officer and chair, and COMPLAIN. I'd also contact Swim England and ask their advice.

People told you this last time. What are you waiting for?

WeeWeeMe · 04/02/2022 17:58

@Teateaandmoretea
"@WeeWeeMe you aren’t allowed to film at poolside for safeguarding reasons. That would be a bad idea.""

hmm , I'm not sure a grown adult abusing a child isn't good enough reason to break this law.
I'd be filming until I could get close enough to give him a few expletives.

Hellocatshome · 04/02/2022 17:44

The welfare officer should be your first port of call not your 3rd and should have been contacted after the first incident rather than waiting for another one.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 17:41

@WeeWeeMe you aren’t allowed to film at poolside for safeguarding reasons. That would be a bad idea.

WeeWeeMe · 04/02/2022 17:35

Were you present? Did you even try and film the abuse to show to the welfare officer or head coach?

insatiableme · 04/02/2022 17:09

I would not if stood there and let someone humiliate my child like that. Pick him up on his behaviour and if you don't feel you can get your husband too

pickingdaisies · 04/02/2022 17:08

People like this coach are going to take your silence as evidence that they can shout at your son as much as they like. He's doing that to your son in front of an audience, in front of the boy's own parents, so plainly he's not worried or ashamed of his behaviour. So complain, complain, complain. Persistently, to everybody. (My guess is the head coach is also wary of your son's coach and doesn't want to confront him.) Make sure you or your husband is present at every event, and pull your son out immediately it happens again. (I would take him out now).Your son is reluctant to leave because it's what he knows. But staying in that toxic environment is not the right thing for him. It's time to take control.

Aboutcoffee · 04/02/2022 17:04

This is terrible. Why did you allow your son to go back after making no intervention after the last incident?

Stand up for your son. There is no sport with this.

Shunter350 · 04/02/2022 16:56

I've been involved in an official capacity at a sports club.
It is completely and utterly unacceptable to treat a child in that way by a staff member.
You must raise this immediately with the designated child protection officer ( every club must have one ) and copy in the club secretary and ask for an acknowledgment.
This is a serious matter and it must be dealt with by the club. But complaints must be in writing or by email.
Even if you withdraw from the club there is every chance this bully will do this again.

Porfre · 04/02/2022 16:52

I'm sorry but I dont understand why you're kid is still going. By letting it continue you're just showing your kid its acceptable behaviour.

The coach isnt going to change his behaviour, and by not complaining it's just going to carry on

I'd cut my bridges with this team and complain about the coach.

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:50

I agree with that.

I bet the coach would not be screaming at her son if his dad was watching. Nasty bastard

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/02/2022 16:48

Get your DH to take him the next few sessions and be ready to go down and Have A Word. This simply CANNOT be allowed to continue. I say your DH, because the guy is almost certainly a misogynistic arsehole...

missfliss · 04/02/2022 16:43

Also - by not challenging directly you are allowing this man to continue his behaviour thinking that no one will dare pick him up on it.

I'm so sorry for the position you are in but you must most advocate directly and hard for your son - straight to maximum escalation route

missfliss · 04/02/2022 16:40

You cannot change this coach. It isn't possible to make him like your son.

Escalate it to the governing body and copy in the head coach.

I'm sorry for the double impact on your son but by continuing to allow him to attend and him subsequently being treated in this manner, you are unfortunately giving him a very damaging message.

I totally understand why and what you are trying to do but you cannot tread carefully and you cannot change this man.

Sending hugs -but you have to show your son now that you will not tolerate another adult treating him like this even if he will

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:31

I would not stand and watch that happening!

I don't know how you managed to stop yourself going poolside and doing some shouting yourself tbh. That's twice you've sat in the gallery and watched your child be bullied and humiliated by an adult. You can't keep letting that happen.

I would take my child and never go back.