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Original poster

Friend‘s children taking music lesson time

59 replies

Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 16:57

Could someone let me know if I’m overthinking this or if I am justified in being a little annoyed.

I have wanted my DSs (7 and 5) to start music lessons for a while now and finally found a teacher in the next village who teaches drums guitar and piano and offered his last two 2x45 minute sessions to my children to have a bit of a music-introduction course before they settle into learning one instrument formally. I love the teacher’s approach and my kids were loving it.
I mentioned the teacher to a friend of mine who has 2 kids of the same age and she said she might speak to him to start her two in September.
A few weeks later she is sitting outside the cafe round the corner from his house when we turn up for our lesson and says ‘oh DS and DD are there having a joint lesson. I rang him and this was his last slot because someone else dropped out.’ Obviously no problem and I’m delighted for them.
Then music teacher says after my youngest’s lesson… ‘it would be great if friend’s DS could have the session to himself and DD went in with your DS2 and then your DS2 could have his session alone’. I didn’t mind so much as I thought it might help my youngest concentrate a bit as he gets distracted and can be a handful so I agreed. We put it to friend and she said ok.
Next week it’s all fine.
Following week my son is struggling with tiredness and the fact his father is leaving for work abroad for 2 months the next day and is a handful and distracts little girl and teacher mentioned it at end. Didn’t think much of it but spend week rooming him to be better behaved for next lesson.
Next week I turn up and friend is sitting at cafe again and says ‘oh DD is in with him. We’ve decided my DS should have 30 mins, then DD, then your DS2 and then your DS1 should have his 45 min session’. I was flustered and on my period and a bit spaced out so I just said ‘oh ok’ but then afterwards I’m going into the lesson to drop off my youngest and am about to mention it and teacher says ‘yes a much better situation for friends DD…. She was getting distracted by your son’. I was a bit gobsmacked that no one had asked me about the session or asked my opinion. I left DS2 there, switched in DS1 after his session and then went off to think about it. Today I get text from friend saying ‘I prefer DD to have 30 mins alone as she didn’t like it with your son, so we’ll leave it as it was this week from now on, ok?’
I’m a bit miffed to be honest. I found the guy, committed to 45 mins each. Primed my children to go. Then primed my DS to share his session and now have to prime him to go alone… And some how I’ve ended up losing 15 mins of one lesson to a friends child who I introduced to the teacher… he charges me less obviously for less time. It’s not the money really. Should I say something or just leave it. On the one hand my son gets a lesson to himself which I think I prefer. and perhaps 30mins is better for a child of 5? On the other I feel someone should have asked me. I feel a bit bulldozed. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 18:41

@BeingATwatItsABingThing we were splitting the cost for the 45m lesson between us.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 17/06/2021 18:33

Wow, my music lessons used to be 20 mins :| 45 is a lot!

I think your teacher and friend were out of order but also that it's probably worked out for the best for your kids in the end, as I can't imagine a session with 2 kids and multiple instruments would be very efficient tbh.

Definitely nab your slots back in September though.

Bimblybomeyelash · 17/06/2021 18:33

Tbh it sounds like in the end, it has worked out for the best for all concerned. 30 mins solo lesson is the right choice for your son.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 17/06/2021 18:31

It sounds like it works for the music teacher as they are fitting in a half hour slot when previously they would have had a space for 15 mins pre your dc. So they are paid for an extra 15 mins.
30 mins may be too long now but in future if you want to increase to 45 mins you won’t be able to as your friends DC have filled the before spot.
Personally, even if the 45 mins is too long for your 5yo, I’d be asking to revert.
If the teacher had issues with the length of the lesson that should have been a separate conversation.
I wonder if the teacher had no space left and your friend has manipulated the situation to fit her children in.
Stand your ground OP!

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 18:25

@Veterinari…… yeah maybe. I just feel like we’re friends but I feel manhandled by her and him if I’m honest and that’s pissed me off. If she had just asked I probably would have seen the merits and maybe gone with it…. But she didn’t and now I feel a bit like I have lost out for just sharing info.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/06/2021 18:25

[quote Whatamess582]@BeingATwatItsABingThing.
No he is charging us the proportional price for 30 mins[/quote]
No, I meant when your DS and her child shared a lesson.

starfishmummy · 17/06/2021 18:19

Yanbu. The teacher sounds very unprofessional if he is changing your lessons without discussing it first.
I'd be looking for someone else: when that is secured I would tell the first teacher exactly why I was leaving. I would also not tell the friend where I was going in case she follows. (I wouldnt tell the old teacher either in case he lets it slip)

gamerchick · 17/06/2021 18:17

Be assertive with the pair of them man! Tell your 'friend' you don't appreciate her interfering and to butt out and tell the music teacher he's to deal with you only from now on and not this person. She's likely pitched it like it's already been run past you.

Or find another music teacher.

ladygindiva · 17/06/2021 18:16

I can see why youre frustrated but as a music teacher yes, your 5 year old is better off doing only 30 minutes. I don't recommend longer for any child below 10 tbh and I've never met a 5 year old who could concentrate in a music lesson for any longer than about 20 minutes.

SionnachRua · 17/06/2021 18:13

I think 30 mins is more than enough for a 5 year old, especially as it sounds like he's had trouble managing with the longer session - especially if they settle on guitar as there's a lot of finger conditioning involved there. So I wouldn't be mad about that.

The teacher did handle it badly - I don't know why that friend of yours ended up running the show - but I wouldn't be unhappy with the end result.

Veterinari · 17/06/2021 18:12

Why do you want to go back to original plan? Is it just cos you feel miffed?

From what you've said it sounds like your DS is struggling with 45 mins and 30 minutes suits everyone better. Is it worth changing that just because it wasn't your original plan?

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 18:07

@BeingATwatItsABingThing.
No he is charging us the proportional price for 30 mins

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 18:07

@Gouldengirl9 yes I think so. I’ve always been too open about stuff like that.

OP posts:
Gouldengirl9 · 17/06/2021 17:54

Op this is a hard lesson to learn don't tell anyone else about how things are going on in your childrens life after school.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/06/2021 17:52

Were you both paying in full for the shared lesson?

Yesyesnonoyesyes · 17/06/2021 17:52

It's shit of your "friend" and unprofessional of the music teacher.
I wouldn't be happy and I'd be letting the teacher know my feelings, there are much better ways he could have communicated
the rearranged the lesson timings rather than you hearing it from your friend, it sounds like she bulldozed him too to be fair.

Is your friend Amanda from motherland because that is what I'm picturing here?

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 17:41

@ChicChaos I wouldnt be be happy to share my child’s music lesson either with someone who was disruptive but it was one week when he was dealing with it some big emotions…. And suddenly my child loses 15 mins of his lesson and her child gains a whole 30 min lesson to herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 17:34

@chesirecat99 @roguetomato @Smartiepants79 yes I think perhaps you are right. 30 mins probably is better. And yes I think friend was quite cheeky and teacher was out of order but at the same time it’s the end of a long term and we can reschedule in September for the right slots not to be messed with. I think I just got a shock and then felt a bit manhandled and as I was dealing with other stuff at the same time I didn’t really take onboard what was happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 17:30

@aiwblam why do you think he doesn’t like my kids? He has always been v complimentary about them. They have been doing to him since Jan and he thinks both have a good musical ear. He has said my youngest is obviously a little more animated perhaps but not in a ‘I can’t handle him it’s too much’ way.

@MarianneUnfaithful
That’s a good way of doing it… I like that text. I worry about wording things. That’s in fact exactly how she would word it so it will do nicely. Thank you x

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 17/06/2021 17:29

In the end it may have worked out for the best but the teacher has handled it pretty poorly.
You were there first and he should have made sure the changes worked for you before he agreed to them. You don’t just add another child to a paid for, private music lesson without asking.
I hope you are not continuing to pay the same amount as you are not getting the agreed for time.
And your ‘friend’ is a pushy bugger. Who is only really interested in what she thinks is best for her own precious offspring!

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 17:26

@UhtredRagnarson
I was paying for 45mins each. Now my DS2 is doing 30 mins i pay proportionally less. Yes… that’s what I thought.

@ChicChaos
Yes… I think perhaps 45 mins was too long. I don’t know. The teacher originally said 45 mins was fine and he would very much let the child direct the learning…. As in not be prescriptive about 15 mins here and 15 mins there but if he wanted to do 10 mins on guitar ans then 20 mins drumming and finding beats they would do that but he did say DS was losing concentration and was a bit of a handful towards the end. I just don’t know if I’m overthinking this and just accept that it probably has worked out for the best?

OP posts:
roguetomato · 17/06/2021 17:22

I think in the end, it sounds like best results. Your younger ds getting 30mins might be better actually, since he find it hard to concentrate while he is young.
You can always change the agreement later, more slot might open up too if someone left.

chesirecat99 · 17/06/2021 17:22

The music teacher shouldn't have changed this without discussing it with you but it sounds like 45 mins is too much for your younger DS and the music teacher is finding him a handful, as you admit. I suspect, even if the music teacher had discussed it with you first, they probably would have been telling you that your DS needs to have a 30 minute lesson rather than asking.

VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 17:18

I'd find a different teacher. This one seems to have no idea how to behave professionally.

Jobsharenightmare · 17/06/2021 17:16

This music teacher is really out of order. You are two separate clients and he should not be conflating your times/requests just because you know each other.