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Original poster

Friend‘s children taking music lesson time

59 replies

Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 16:57

Could someone let me know if I’m overthinking this or if I am justified in being a little annoyed.

I have wanted my DSs (7 and 5) to start music lessons for a while now and finally found a teacher in the next village who teaches drums guitar and piano and offered his last two 2x45 minute sessions to my children to have a bit of a music-introduction course before they settle into learning one instrument formally. I love the teacher’s approach and my kids were loving it.
I mentioned the teacher to a friend of mine who has 2 kids of the same age and she said she might speak to him to start her two in September.
A few weeks later she is sitting outside the cafe round the corner from his house when we turn up for our lesson and says ‘oh DS and DD are there having a joint lesson. I rang him and this was his last slot because someone else dropped out.’ Obviously no problem and I’m delighted for them.
Then music teacher says after my youngest’s lesson… ‘it would be great if friend’s DS could have the session to himself and DD went in with your DS2 and then your DS2 could have his session alone’. I didn’t mind so much as I thought it might help my youngest concentrate a bit as he gets distracted and can be a handful so I agreed. We put it to friend and she said ok.
Next week it’s all fine.
Following week my son is struggling with tiredness and the fact his father is leaving for work abroad for 2 months the next day and is a handful and distracts little girl and teacher mentioned it at end. Didn’t think much of it but spend week rooming him to be better behaved for next lesson.
Next week I turn up and friend is sitting at cafe again and says ‘oh DD is in with him. We’ve decided my DS should have 30 mins, then DD, then your DS2 and then your DS1 should have his 45 min session’. I was flustered and on my period and a bit spaced out so I just said ‘oh ok’ but then afterwards I’m going into the lesson to drop off my youngest and am about to mention it and teacher says ‘yes a much better situation for friends DD…. She was getting distracted by your son’. I was a bit gobsmacked that no one had asked me about the session or asked my opinion. I left DS2 there, switched in DS1 after his session and then went off to think about it. Today I get text from friend saying ‘I prefer DD to have 30 mins alone as she didn’t like it with your son, so we’ll leave it as it was this week from now on, ok?’
I’m a bit miffed to be honest. I found the guy, committed to 45 mins each. Primed my children to go. Then primed my DS to share his session and now have to prime him to go alone… And some how I’ve ended up losing 15 mins of one lesson to a friends child who I introduced to the teacher… he charges me less obviously for less time. It’s not the money really. Should I say something or just leave it. On the one hand my son gets a lesson to himself which I think I prefer. and perhaps 30mins is better for a child of 5? On the other I feel someone should have asked me. I feel a bit bulldozed. Confused

OP posts:
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lanthanum · 26/06/2021 16:48

45 minutes is long at that age. It's presumably what he uses as his standard slot, and he probably didn't think to suggest a shorter lesson, or perhaps worried that if he did, he'd be left with a 15/30 minute slot he couldn't use. The communication has been poor, but you're probably better off with 30 minute lessons - value for money is probably rather lower for the last 15 minutes.

squintsoftheworldunite · 25/06/2021 07:42

I think the outcome sounds perfect, the route to get there sounds rubbish. Of your friend mainly, but also of the teacher. It's possible that because of the shared lessons, your friend convinced him you were on board with whatever plan she sold him. But he has not handled it well.

Side note, I love the idea of him including guitar and percussion exploring in the lessons for the little one. It's a good way of holding his attention for longer and giving him different musical experiences.

SouthLondonMommy · 20/06/2021 16:27

If she is really your friend, be honest with her and say you'd have expected her to discuss it with you first and get your okay before changing your children's lessons. Hopefully she'll apologise and you can move on. Also, tell the teacher you hadn't actually been consulted and I'm sure he'll be mortified.

However, 30 min for a 5 year old is actually the better outcome so I wouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face. Stick with what been agreed. It will work better for your son and cost you less money!

Moominmammacat · 20/06/2021 14:33

Mine used to get 15' at this age

ilovesushi · 20/06/2021 12:59

I would get it in writing (email) what the agreement is. How long, what time, private or shared lesson, how much. Your friend should have nothing to do with arrangements for your DC.

CaribouCarafe · 18/06/2021 10:50

Tbh speaking as someone who teaches music, 45 mins was a bit ridiculous as a starting point for a 5 year old to begin with. Teacher should have known this.

The teacher was out of order to not consult you about all the lesson changes and to mess your son around.

If you're otherwise happy with the teacher then it seems like an ok arrangement to have 30 mins for your youngest. I'd be inclined to reduce your other child's lessons to the same amount so there isn't any sense of unfairness (plus as I said earlier I always started with 30 mins of high quality lessons and only increased lesson length when necessary - around grade 5).

Your friend hasn't exactly been blameless in this situation but ultimately the teacher should have been more professional about it and treated you as completely separate clients.

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 18/06/2021 09:41

Thanks everyone for helping me work through that. I’m going to be a bit more private about things from now on.
I’ll leave the arrangement as is for now and then see what happens in September. There is a conservatoire in the town that my children go to school in so I might see what they have on offer there.

OP posts:
Norabuzz · 18/06/2021 06:42

Yes agree with others. 30 minutes is probably max for a 5 year old so this has worked out for the best. But your 'friend' is super pushy and the music teacher should not be making changes without checking with you first! I would message the teacher and ask that no more changes are made to the lessons without your prior approval. And I wouldn't be telling your 'friend' about other new finds you make!!

Cattitudes · 18/06/2021 06:16

And yes would make a good plot line in motherland!

Cattitudes · 18/06/2021 06:15

Your friend is manipulative and the music teacher is unprofessional but 45 mins is too long at that age for a music lesson. I would almost be tempted to split the 30 mins or if you can get 40 mins into two halves so ds2 does 20 min then ds1 has his lesson and then back to ds2. He will probably get more from it that way.

AngelDelightUk · 18/06/2021 05:38

I’d find a new teacher. This is seriously unacceptable that he thought it ok to introduce other children into your children’s times. I’ve had my fair share of music teachers over the years, some amazing and some awful, and I can’t even get my head around how he thought this was ok without discussing it with you. You’d signed up for 45 minutes each, and he’s allowed your friend to muscle in

I’d be tempted to message him thanking him for this year but in light of the constant changes and disruptions to timings you are moving to another teacher. Then say similar to your friend

youshallnotpass9 · 18/06/2021 05:11

I would double check with the music teacher what your friend has told him tbh. While I agree they have been unprofessional, it might have been lead by your friend telling them, this is what has been agreed between the two of you. They should have checked with you regardless, before changing anything

NotMaryWhitehouse · 18/06/2021 04:41

@VettiyaIruken

I'd find a different teacher. This one seems to have no idea how to behave professionally.
Agree!
timeisnotaline · 18/06/2021 04:37

Confirm timing and add this has been a bit confusing, I know x & I are friends but for the sake of clarity, I have not authorised her to make changes to my children’s music lessons and please ask me directly about any future suggestions for changes.

LuluKentGirl · 18/06/2021 03:29

@SE13Mummy

I think you're completely justified in feeling walked-over by the other parent and let down by the music teacher. It's possible he's also been walked over by the other parent and/or that he's inexperienced (especially given he was attempting 45 minutes with a 5 year old).

For the sake of clarity going forward, I'd email/however you first made contact with the music teacher, state as there's been some confusion around timings etc. since other parent's DCs started lessons, that you'd like to confirm timings; youngest is doing 30 minutes from Xpm to Ypm, eldest is doing 45 minutes between Ypm and Zpm. Mention that you would like the sessions to remain as individual lessons for your DC only and request they be kept confidential from other parents, perhaps with an acknowledgement that you find it hard to resist the other parent's enquiries at times but would appreciate it if your DCs' lessons (timing, progress, content etc.) were not discussed with her in the future. Say how much you like his approach with your DCs and are keen for them to continue.

i totally agree. this is what i would type if i could think properly but i haven't had a coffee yet.
SE13Mummy · 17/06/2021 21:21

I think you're completely justified in feeling walked-over by the other parent and let down by the music teacher. It's possible he's also been walked over by the other parent and/or that he's inexperienced (especially given he was attempting 45 minutes with a 5 year old).

For the sake of clarity going forward, I'd email/however you first made contact with the music teacher, state as there's been some confusion around timings etc. since other parent's DCs started lessons, that you'd like to confirm timings; youngest is doing 30 minutes from Xpm to Ypm, eldest is doing 45 minutes between Ypm and Zpm. Mention that you would like the sessions to remain as individual lessons for your DC only and request they be kept confidential from other parents, perhaps with an acknowledgement that you find it hard to resist the other parent's enquiries at times but would appreciate it if your DCs' lessons (timing, progress, content etc.) were not discussed with her in the future. Say how much you like his approach with your DCs and are keen for them to continue.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/06/2021 20:16

Yeah, I'd feel pissed off as a point of principle as it's poor behaviour from both, but on balance it sounds like the new arrangement could actually be better for you in which case I wouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face.

I'd drop the friend (no drama, just mentally check out and no more info sharing!), but tbh I wouldn't walk away from a music teacher it sounds like you and both DC are happy with - they're not necessarily ten a penny. I would say something like "i expect arrangements to be made between you and me, not other people" to try to ward off this shit happening again, though.

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 19:59

@ladygindiva thanks it’s good to have a music teacher’s perspective. I don’t remember my music lesson lengths when I was that age and my mother can’t either.

@Sunnyfreezesushi
Thanks for that. I don’t really remember. I know I was having 1hr lessons at age 12 for my instruments but the teachers would fill the time with music theory and scales and all sorts. Not just playing. But yes… I’m pretty sure now that 5 is too young to do 45 mins. We live and learn don’t we!!

OP posts:
Sunnyfreezesushi · 17/06/2021 19:38

My children all do at least 2 instruments and started around age 5/6 on 20 minutes initially, then moved to 30 minutes when ready around Grade 2/3 and then 45 minutes around grade 6. Sometimes less time is better and they learn to focus more. Key thing is regular practice even if it is only 10 minutes a day. I think the friend was out of order but maybe the music teacher just could not keep your 5 year old occupied and focussed for that long so thought that would be better for both your DS and friend’s DD. One to one is usually much better anyway.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 17/06/2021 19:35

Really confused about how your children’s shedule is being decided by your ‘friend’ (she isn’t) and yet he music teacher with you being told afterwards- that’s not ok! Think both need a reminder that you need to be involved in these decisions too!

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 17/06/2021 19:25

He likes them very much. He gets a real kick out of music and the teacher approaches it really nicely. The kids pretty much direct the lesson so that they can do what they are interested in. So eg if my son feels like drumming that day they will do rhythm and beats and learn about sound production in the drums and try all the different drums etc…. If he then gets bored and wants to try some guitar they learn about sound box, string tension, octaves etc…. He wouldn’t be able to do 45 or even 30 mins of straight piano…. It’s more a ‘introduction to music’ lesson.
He does other activités… I just felt that it was time they both explored music a bit more. We started in Jan because a lot of other activités were prohibited but 121 music lessons were allowed to continue and I wanted them to do something other than school.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/06/2021 19:19

[quote Whatamess582]@BeingATwatItsABingThing we were splitting the cost for the 45m lesson between us.[/quote]
That’s ok then. Didn’t want to hear you’d been conned out of money too.

Eviebeans · 17/06/2021 19:11

Is your son that keen on the lessons? Would he prefer to do a different activity? 45 minutes is a long time for a 5 year old.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 17/06/2021 19:00

Whatever you decide about the length of the lessons which you want, ‘friend’ is a pushy mare with plenty of cheek.

Veterinari · 17/06/2021 18:43

[quote Whatamess582]@Veterinari…… yeah maybe. I just feel like we’re friends but I feel manhandled by her and him if I’m honest and that’s pissed me off. If she had just asked I probably would have seen the merits and maybe gone with it…. But she didn’t and now I feel a bit like I have lost out for just sharing info.[/quote]
Totally understand that and agree she should have spoken to you - she seems a bit underhand
Just thinking it actually may have worked out ok regardless