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Original poster

Upset by parents I helped

56 replies

Elbowedout · 14/10/2019 03:11

NC to avoid outing. Sorry this may be long.
My DD (14) has been competing in her sport since she was 9. She is not outstanding but she is pretty good. A new girl of similar age joined our club last year. She was fairly inexperienced but clearly talented. Her parents didn't have much idea about the sport. The girls get on quite well and the parents seemed nice enough so I kind of took them under my wing, explained a lot of stuff to them, gave them the heads up whenever I heard about a training opportunity or competition that might be of interest and that kind of thing.
Then this Spring I was taken seriously ill and unable to take my DD to a lot of training and events. I asked the other girl's parents for lifts a few times but there was always an excuse why they couldn't help. It felt a bit weird, given they live close by whereas other parents from further away were willing to pick up DD. Plus their attitude changed a bit and they started being a little less friendly in general.But the reasons given were always legitimate sounding so I put it down to bad luck.
A couple of weeks ago both girls were invited to join a regional training squad. It is a smallish sport and we live in a geographically large region so the training would involve a lot of travel and it is on a school night. If I was well, I might have considered it but I told my DD I really didn't think we could manage it and she took it quite well. The other Mum told me that she felt the same and they weren't going either.
Which was all fine. Until today I was told by a reliable third party that the other girl is actually going after all. Not only that, but she has attended some other events that they had told me they weren't going to over the last couple of months.
I am gutted on my DD's behalf, and feel quite betrayed to be honest. I have been generous with my knowledge of the sport and before I was ill I offered a lot of help to their DD, as has my DD. I can't come up with any other rational explanation for their behaviour other than that it is deliberate to give their child an advantage over mine. Their girl has become the coaches' favourite too. My DD has accepted it all and is always complimentary about her friend. She is talented and has exactly the right physical attributes for the sport. They really don't need to resort to this kind of thing.
I don't know what to do now. I can't get my DD to the training independently and I don't feel like I can ask them for lifts. They have made it clear that they don't want to help us. They will literally be driving across the end of our road on their way and they know DD wanted to go even though I had reservations. If it was a one off I could perhaps believe that they didn't ask because I has said I was concerned about the late nights, but with all the other stuff I am struggling to see the best in them right now.
I am not sure what I want from this post to be truthful. I considered putting it in AIBU to gauge if my reaction is rational, but I am feeling so upset about it all I couldn't face the probable savaging. Hoping people might be kinder here.
Do I say anything to them? Do I let my DD know or just leave it and see if her friend says anything?
I feel so rubbish. I felt I letting my DD down by not being able to get her there initially but somehow the fact her friend couldn't go either made it seem less bad. Now she is the only one left out and we have been deceived as well. By people we helped and I thought were friends.
I know it isn't the end of the world but on top of the generally crappy time we've been having with my health and following on from that, finances, it really feels like we are being kicked when we are down.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 23/10/2019 12:07

TBH, when I read your first post, you did come across as a bit of a know it all regarding the other girl and parent. You were obviously being helpful in your mind, but the other parent may not have seen it as that. Maybe her DD doesn't get on so well with your DD in reality? Maybe giving your DD lifts here there and everywhere isn't something they want to do for lots of reasons. Rather than telling you this, they've fobbed you off, maybe because they didn't want to upset you and holed you'd take the hint?
You've then gone on to send them a long text message in order to catch them out in a lie. Maybe they already knew that you knew their DD had gone to the training? That might explain their initial brief response followed by a lengthier one. And in the end it just might be true that their DD is indeed far more talented than you give her credit for, hence the comment about being surrounded by excellence.

Or she might just be a cow 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

MindyStClaire · 23/10/2019 11:55

This isn't my world at all, but when reading your OP my thought wasn't that they did it maliciously to give their daughter an advantage on yours. I interpreted it that they didn't want the long-term commitment of giving your daughter a lift.

It's not particularly kind given your circumstances, but I think a lot of people would feel like that, especially since they haven't known you or your DD long. From their pov, you'd already asked for lifts several times, perhaps not taking the hint that they weren't willing to do car shares, and now you would be wanting a regular favour.

I'm not saying they were right to think that way - but how often do we see CF threads on here about people being stuck giving lifts long term after an initial good deed.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 23/10/2019 11:42

gosh that is horrible of her. Just because she can't attend these other training sessions doesn't mean her talent and hard work won't still take her far. In the past there wasn't all this centralised training for most sports and local coaches managed perfectly well to bring out the best in people.

I would feel the same as you x

TheGodmother · 23/10/2019 02:18

@Elbowedout I don't know why some people are so vile. Same as you in our sport any newbie comes along and most parents help and support the kids and them.

But there is always one overly competitive parent who wants to drag it down.

I think you need to switch it in your head. Stop thinking "What have I done?" Think instead "Poor parent that unhappy that they have to make me feel bad".

You haven't done anything and probably because you're ill at the moment, letting them get to you more than normal.

Sad sad individual!

Them not you!

Ifeelinclined · 23/10/2019 02:17

I'm in the US, so it's early here!

Ifeelinclined · 23/10/2019 02:17

That's tough, OP. And sounds like she was trying to rub it in. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Elbowedout · 23/10/2019 02:11

@HeartsTrumpsDiamonds and @TheGodmother thank you so much for replying. I was just letting off steam really, I didn't expect any responses especially at this time of night, but it is so lovely to get support.
My DH is currently working away from home so I have no-one to talk to about it.
I was absolutely shocked by the message. What was the point in doing that? Have I done something without realising it that has made her want to hurt me and DD....I honestly can't think why she would do that. I thought we were friends.
Ah well, it is club training tomorrow . A very nice family will be taking my DD and she will have fun even if she isn't "surrounded by excellence". She will be surrounded by kindness though, which will do her more good in the long term.

OP posts:
TheGodmother · 23/10/2019 01:49

Feel sorry for her daughter OP. How awful to have a parent like that.

You sound like a generous and gracious parent and that poor kid has a downright nasty one. What is that poor kids home life like?

Noone who is happy does that to another.

I have kids who play sport, one of them almost Olympic level and really. I can be gobsmacked by other parents. There is always one who try's to drag your kid down.

Honestly let it go. Don't reply and just feel sad for the kid.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/10/2019 01:45

Holy shit I can’t believe she did that to you!! Who says that?? Who does that in the first place? Sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
Elbowedout · 23/10/2019 01:36

Sorry everyone, I know I should just let this go, and I thought I had, but out of the blue the other mother has messaged me - to tell me how much her DD enjoyed the first session. There were so many talented children there and it was so good for her to be in that environment surrounded by excellence. It is so much better than our club training.
Who does that? What sort of a reply are you supposed to give in such a situation?
I was honest and said that I was glad that her DD had a good time but was sad that mine was unable to go. She didn't reply. And now I am all upset again and I can't sleep. I think I preferred the secrecy to her blatantly rubbing our noses in it. People are basically shit aren't they?

OP posts:
LoveBlackpool · 17/10/2019 14:47

Good luck to your dd. Her talent will come through even if she can't make the regional training

LoveBlackpool · 17/10/2019 14:45

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, the same thing happened to me as well and I couldn't understand it as their dd was actually better than mine so no need to be all secretive. I would def contact the organisers. You never know there may be someone else coming from your direction.It won't help now but they will realise how stupid they are being eventually.. There will be many other girls out there to compete with.Are they seriously going to try and sabotage them all .

Original poster
Elbowedout · 17/10/2019 00:04

@reefedsail thank you for the suggestion but unfortunately there really isn't another way. We live in a semi rural area with limited public transport. I did look into it but she would have to go direct from school and it would be midnight before she got home as the bus and train times don't link up very well. Plus there is bulky equipment for her to carry. That's not something I would be willing to let her do alone and in my current state of health it would be too much for me too. I also have other children at home to consider. It is over 80 miles each way so the cost of a taxi would be prohibitive, even if we could find a company willing to do it.
We are pretty much resigned to the situation now. I might ask the organisers if she can just go to the sessions that her big sister could drive her to when she is home in the university holidays. Normally you have to commit to the whole programme but you never know, they might be willing to make an exception in view of my health and the fact that I've done a lot of voluntary work for the sport until recently. There's nothing to lose by asking anyway. If they say no she is no worse off than currently.
I've stopped feeling angry but I am sad. I am very proud of how DD is handling it though.

OP posts:
RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 16/10/2019 18:19

People suck. I don't get it tbh. I would have been delighted for my DD to have someone she knows to train alongside. Instead they could help but choose not to, preferring to kick to the kerb/sabotage so that their kid can what? be best in the county? So sorry lovey. Competitive twunts so they are.

reefedsail · 16/10/2019 18:13

Or could you go with her on public transport if it's the driving you can't do?

reefedsail · 16/10/2019 18:12

Is there not any other way to get your DD to the regional training? If she's a sensible 14yo could she use public transport- or could you afford a taxi for her?

Original poster
Elbowedout · 14/10/2019 21:21

Well I know exactly where I stand now. I thought I had better check my facts before I told DD so I messaged the other mum inviting her DD to join us at something else that I know clashes with one of the training sessions. A bit disingenuous I know, but it got me my answer. My long, chatty message was met with a very short reply saying that they are busy that night. I think that says it all really.
As a PP suggested I have spoken my DD. She says she is a bit sad but not surprised and that she will just have to make the very best of her local training.
Thanks to everyone who has replied. It has helped enormously to have someone to talk to about it. I really do appreciate everyone's comments.

OP posts:
druidsong · 14/10/2019 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster
Elbowedout · 14/10/2019 18:37

Thanks @SE13Mummy. I think you are right.
I am just going to tell DD, as you suggest, that I think they are going after all. I wont let her know that I think they have deliberately excluded her, though I suspect she will figure that out herself.
I am not going to make a scene, but I don't think I will be going out of my way to be quite so supportive in future.

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 14/10/2019 17:43

What a horrible position you've been put in, especially as you've supported the other girl and her parents when they were new to the sport.

If I were in the same position I think I'd be inclined to tell my DD that I thought the other girl had taken up the regional offer so that she heard it from me, in the privacy of her own home, rather than possibly finding out in a more public setting. Your DD then has the option of maintaining the friendship but in the knowledge that her parents consider your DD to be too much of a competitor, or can choose to keep her distance.

It won't change the situation you're in, but as a parent of a child who's got into a sport I know nothing about, thank you for being so generous with your time and knowledge. DD2's love of her sport has been encouraged by parents who know about that sport and who've answered my endless questions, offered advice on equipment, given DD2 coaching tips and let us know about events. I am massively appreciative of their support and friendship and know DD2 wouldn't have made half the progress had they not been so generous with their expertise. Were any of them in need of lifts to an event/training, I'd go out of my way to help. I'm sorry the family you've supported don't feel the same way.

Original poster
Elbowedout · 14/10/2019 14:24

@EileenAlanna that is a good idea and I will be seeing the organisers at a competition in a few weeks so they may ask why we are not going when the other girl is. Though to be honest, I am not sure I even want to ask them now. They clearly don't want to take her or they would have offered, and I dont want to grovel. But then am I letting my pride get in the way of DDs progress. I dont know. I am not sure she would want to go if she knew they had been forced into it. The daft thing is that neither girl is likely to be a future Olympian in reality. They will probably go on to make their University teams in due course and be good quality club players as adults. It just isn't worth all this cloak and dagger stuff. But it still hurts. I wish I could stop myself being bothered by it.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/10/2019 13:32

I wouldn't be entirely sure that your dd's 'friend' is much of a friend at all. If she was, then surely she would go out of her way to persuade her parents to help by giving lifts etc.

cometothinkofit · 14/10/2019 13:30

Its simple - your dd is a threat to their dd. They are clearing a path for her and your dd is now conveniently out of the way.

EileenAlanna · 14/10/2019 13:24

Can you contact the organisers of the regional training & ask them if they can offer any help with the travel arrangements? I'd imagine they'd be keen to pull out the stops for anyone with real potential. Who knows, they may even be able to guilt the other girl's parents into arranging a lift for your DD. They're being really despicable.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 14/10/2019 12:52

It's really shitty of them op, and I would be upset too.