September 2018 Music Thread

herts - absolutely there needs to be a balance, and I do appreciate that it is very difficult to supervise mobile access. In many ways, the old pay phone system was more practical! And I don’t envy boarding house parents having to deal with anxious parents.

On the other hand, children should be taught that refusing to return phone calls or respond to messages for days on end is inconsiderate, and should be dealt with like any other sort of minor rudeness. Teachers would not be impressed if a child declined to come to the staff room because they were too involved with some fun activity with their friends. It is not unreasonable to expect some form of communication between family members every couple of days. I expect DH to respond to my messages within a day or so, when he travels for business (within practical limits), and vice versa. And it was the same with DS2 at NCO.

I totally agree with patricks

Sometimes it's fine to be completely child led in something, GCSE's are an example. You'd only step in if asked or they were making a huge mistake.
Whereas even at 14 and an experienced boarder I am in charge when it comes to contacting home, I let her speak freely and encourage her to talk if I sense something is wrong.
I'm not sure if this is right but she knows if we ever aren't satisfied with her explanation of why she doesn't sound/look right, we'll be at school in less than an hour.
We would too, as you need transparency from the kids when they board, it's safer too.

As I said earlier, I can see your point, herts. But the word of 'child led' can be quite tricky. My parents didn't know I needed them. And I didn't know I needed them neither. I wasn't aware what I was missing. I could feel it but couldn't explain to myself nor others. I didn't know how to deal with my problems inside and didn't think of talking about it. For many people I was happy, outgoing, healthy child and the distance between my parents and me would be considered as 'child led'. But I would have been relieved if my parents knocked the door to see if I was really alright.

I think it depends on the child. Some want to be left alone but some appreciate more contacts. Ideally parents can 'sense' it (like Romany's sixth sense ) so can give them appropriate support as needed. I am trying to 'sense' it at least!!

Patricks

I'm still trying to get the balance right now, and of course it changes as they change.
In the first couple of years we expected daily contact, even just 5 mins before bedtime.
Then it slackened off a bit and we had to start insisting again, now it's mostly daily and she usually calls.
If my 6th sense is aroused I'll call her if she hasn't done it by lights out.

Has he said he is tired? We got a message from girls house to say how tired they were and had to take so much in this first week, whether new or experienced boarder.
Mine reckons she's going to be fit for sleeping this weekend and not much more

Taggie as with most things in life I suspect sensible balanced approach is best and should be child led. Have direct family experience of working in a boarding house and some parents chasing boarding staff to get children to contact everyday when clearly the child is quite happy and is probably ignoring messages or just can't be bothered to switch on phone as too many other things going on. (Then there is the whole issue of kids having phones/tablets and the clever tricks they get up to avoid rules handing in at night sometimes aided by parents so parents can talk after lights out - having a second phone, fake phones, just handing in case, etc)

i totally agree about the phones and being able to facetime, it's so better for communication and knowing you are cared for and missed.
Sometimes me and dd will just exchange texts about nothing important, which to me is like the relationship we have vocally when she is at home.
Some evenings she will call one of her siblings too, and check on their week. i think just having normal conversations is good, and not just to be there to check in, or when there's a problem.

Romany, DS is probably missing me, probably when light is off. Not too seriously but mildly if you what I mean. He isn't that independent like your DD. He is only child and was always with me until, well, Sunday, so him becoming a weekly boarder is quite a jump really. We thought he could be a day pupil at first. When he was asked how he would feel about boarding during the interview he said he would start as a day and see how things would go. The head then said to him he should be a boarder from the beginning. So DS accepted and we kind of didn't negotiate after that. Now I can see the benefit of it and after NCO, DS is willing to have a go. But I know it'll be a massive change for him. So he'll need time to get used to it.

I don't call him as I don't know when he can talk and I don't want to disturb him if he is having fun. But I like to be reachable when he wants to talk to me, at least first few weeks, or first few days of the beginning of a week or after holiday. I try not to be busy this week for instance, so that I can pick a phone when he calls.

Skype is brilliant. We didn't use it for NCO so just a brief phone call or text. It's so different from just hearing voice or reading brief letters as I can tell his mood more so less worry on my side (his voice on the phone was somehow low and quiet even when he was telling me he was having fun so I wasn't sure if he really was OK but it turned out he speaks like that on the phone with smiling but obviously I couldn't see his face!).

Taggie, gosh, 2.5 weeks no contact and in a different country at age 10!! I feel your pains!!!!!

herts, I'll try not to be on the school's black list.

I can see herts's point. I don't like to hold DS back for my needs. But I like to show him that we are still thinking of him, missing him and we are super happy to have him back home. I came from a complex family and I did suffer quite a lot mentally due to lack of communication with my parents. We are very close now and we Skype quite often, but the feel of being abandoned when I was young will never disappear. No matter how much we get on well now, it doesn't make up for the damage. It's not that all the children feel abandoned by living away from parents but there are those sensitive ones and I like to make sure DS wouldn't feel like that, and I wants him to know we are there for him always. I'm probably trying to figure out how to show that in a good balance right now.

Herts - I do take your point about problem parents foisting their own needs on their children. But I disagree with the commonly held view that contact with parents increases homesickness. It is absolutely true that children will settle down much more quickly if they can’t speak to parents, and will not exhibit signs of homesickness (what’s the point of making a fuss, if no-one responds...) but the lack of contact can have serious long term emotional consequences for some children. I speak from experience.

I think that daily lunch photos and face time whenever the child wants (a la mini patrick ) is much much better. When I was allowed to speak to my parents daily - after the 1989 children’s act Mandated private pay phones in boarding schools - I was so much better emotionally, although I had never outwardly shown signs of homesickness. There is lots of research to back that up more widely.

And it is great that things have moved on so that boarding is now a great option for many children

Hello April welcome and i look forward to hearing about the flute recorder and singing.
it sounds like your house isn't too quiet with the addition of sd too

Technology is great at times but do need to be careful. When my eldest started boarding a few years ago headmaster told us the biggest problem is generally parents not the kids. He said in one case the child was fine with boarding but problem was mother wouldn't leave him alone trying to call everyday and he ended up stressed and homesick and in the end the child left. In one of the schools one of my DC boarded they actually didn't even let the kids have phones for the first 3 weeks to stop them talking to parents too much. Just a pay phone for the odd quick chat.

patrick sounds like your DS is settling in brilliantly. I hope you are doing ok for you and raspberry. When DS2 was at NCO, he facetimed, but only to interact with the cat!

Technology is a wonderful thing. When I was at boarding school, we had a weekly letter from home and that was it. How I used to treasure those letters...

Having said all that, DS2 is going on a choir tour to America over Easter (heard yesterday that it will be 2.5 weeks!) and we will have no contact at all. They are not allowed to use phones, internet or email. I can't even write to him, as they will be moving hotels just about every day, touring coast to coast. I am already upset and nervous about it . It seems like a long time. Some of the boys will only be 9yo. DS2 is 10, and at least has had a year of choir experience behind him, and plenty of residentials. He doesn't get homesick, so this is a me me me problem (hence venting on mn, not to the choir staff and school!).

ok - enough about me - welcome April! Looking forward to hearing much more about your DCs

....and glad for you too littleladsdad. They certainly seem to have fun...sometimes far too much :)

Glad all going well Patricks but wow FaceTime/skype. We are lucky to get the odd teenage grunt via text message. Admittedly bit older now but we now sometimes go the whole week without anything. Apart from of course requests to buy something :)

Patricks so glad that your ds is settling in well. Finally managed to speak to our ds and he's having a blast and sounded so mature! We are journeying to London on Saturday to 'supervise' his first day at RAM.

Patricks

That sounds like the right attitude, he knows he is in the right place and isn't missing mummy, that's brilliant.
it's lovely that he is so enthusiastic and like loose says I bet he'll go from strength to strength and of course very independant.
I wasn't ready for quite a large change and dd has always been quite independant due to her much older siblings.
I still wasn't prepared
I am so pleased for him, and skype and facetime are brilliant. I think these are the best types of communication as you can see their faces and immediately know their mood, and of course if they are spinning you a line.
My dd present line is of course i'm reading poetry, making revision notes and summaries. Yes and I'm the Queen of Sheba.

Patricks so pleased he had a good start and I bet he goes from strength to strength. I agree with Romany that music is a language, that makes sense when you see all these friendships through music!

Patrick pleased he had a good day , I think he's going to be fine , sounds like he's handling what is a big change with great maturity

raspberry

We did Skype. He was very chatty. He told me his day, what he enjoyed, who he met and what he found out, etc, news after news. He confessed he didn't wash his face this morning though did brushing teeth and set his hair (and promised he would wash his face tomorrow morning). I asked him how he was feeling that he was finally at his dream school. He said he couldn't still believe it and didn't feel it's real yet. He said he was having a good time but at the same time he was missing home. He made a crying face jokingly for a second then told me 'don't worry mummy, five more nights, then I'll be home'. Why he said that? Did I look sad that he wasn't here? Then he said, 'no, that's what I tell myself whenever I have a lonely moment'. He said that's what he did at NCO and he started having a lonely moment less and less as time went by, and in the end he didn't want NCO to end.

Right now my eldest girl learns the piano. She has lessons outside of school. When she was little she had a guitar teacher who taught her at school. But her guitar skills are a bit rusty now. She does still occasionally play the guitar however. She’s thirteen going on fourteen now. She is talented.

My little girl does the flute at school and she will start learning either the recorder or singing at home. My step daughter prefers drama and dance. She participates in a drama club at school and was a Stagecoach member for a while.

raspberry

I'm still trying to get over your dd being at uni, the time does fly.
She'll be home before you know it, with her washing
I know how you feel, it's hell for a while.
I was like you when ds1 left, but his was weird as just drifted away over a year or so, until I realised he'd gone
I see more of him now, and from next month a lot more when i'm grandma. Will I suit gransnet?

It's hard to explain the worry that one's child's friendships are essentially asymmetric - that they see as friends children who regard them as acquaintances / classmates - and what a relief it can be when you see that they have stable, wholly symmetric, supportive and lovely friendships, fostered by what they do together in music groups.

There's a lovely photo he has on his board, taken by another parent, of DS and two orchestra friends, manically happy after playing Tchaikovsy's 5th (given he's a jazz player first and foremost, this was something of a high wire act for him).

The other parent at the time said something about great friends playing music together, and it struck me that yes, DS - who I should probably clarify is neurotypical, but lies way out on the 'quirky' end of the NT spectrum - has friends WHO SEE HIM AS A FRIEND TOO, and that bond is music.

I'm glad he started off OK Patrick. If it makes you feel any better, I have sobbed a bit over DD leaving for uni this weekend.

Lovely to read all these comments on music school!

Me too, I love the bit you mentioned about his concert the most Cantkeep!