Dance Moms

I never know why so many aspire to be ballerinas. It's a short, badly paid career which you often have to give up even earlier due to injury

My daughter is one of those who wants to be a ballet dancer. She does a lot of classes and private lessons and is going to audition for a few schemes, but I have reservations as above and more. It's extremely competitive to make it as a ballet dancer, making it an unlikely end point also. And the flexibility required nowadays, seems to be more extreme.

The more I see of local festival circuit, with some lovely exceptions, the more I wonder what we're getting ourselves into.

This thread is exactly why I'm so torn about my DD who loves dancing around. I didn't do dance, I did drama as a kid, so I know nothing. The local classes seem to have waiting lists that run from pre conception and I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to know where to start! And then I feel bad because I think that at 4 she'd love it. I was taken to task at a party where she was charging about by someone I'd only met that evening who thought she had the makings of a gymnast (not just based on the charging about, the detail could out me) and I said that although I thought she'd love the activity I really wasn't sure the world was for us. I know some people (not local to me) who are involved in serious gym competitions and it seems to dominate the life of the whole family. The person I was talking to laid into me about how I was letting her down, I had a duty as a parent to develop and push my children to their best etc. I stood my ground and ended up saying something about how I thought a world where your ability at 3/4 could be great but over by 7 wasn't necessarily for everyone and that as I was a parent, she wasn't, she could keep those plans for her, as and when she had kids. It was a really tough conversation in a social place where I couldn't just move on. And I have days when I wonder if she was right and I look at my DD wiggling and jumping, she's strong and fast and has rhythm and wonder if I am letting her down because of my preconceptions etc. And then read things like this.

Bugger that was a longer and rather more heartfelt post that I expected to write!

I never know why so many aspire to be ballerinas. It's a short, badly paid career which you often have to give up even earlier due to injury. I knew about 5 girls who got into the Royal Ballet School. Only one of them had a successful career.

I was at dance school in the 80s and it was definitely like that then. Fiercely competitive. Bitchy, awful. I had a dance teacher who was like Abby Lee Miller. She used to make us all sit and judge each other's dancing much like ALM does. She also used to favour the children whose parents sucked up to her the most. The other dance teacher had a drink problem and regularly would start rambling and blaming us all for things that were actually her own fault. She once blamed me for my costume not being ready (I was a small child and could not sew a costume)

That was a long post! It upset me at the time.

They do know how to play the game, troll. One particular nasty woman (the worst I've ever met) used to talk about other dancers and how they 'weren't good' with her cronies. She would even talk about their physical appearance, if she thought they were overweight or some such. Some people wised up to her in the end and even the dance school had a word with her, but not until after she'd caused people to leave. My child was amongst the 'not good' apparently and I phoned the dance teacher to complain, it took a lot of self restraint not to approach her personally. The dance teacher said there was no point approaching her as she'd just deny it

Her own daughter was 'advanced' and 'ahead' and amazing, apparently. Newcomers would be informed of this within minutes of joining, but she didn't seem to do 'well' in exams or competitions or auditions (i.e. no distinctions, comp wins or selection at auditions, so I wonder if the venom was due to insecurity).

Anyway, this person is now at another dance school (she left the old school on bad terms and then lots of similar stories emerged) and is sweetness and helpfulness personified apparently, with the dance teachers lapping it up. I doubt she's changed, she waits until she's sure a person is 'safe' and has their confidence.

I hope this doesn't put people off. They're not all like that, the parents. I don't know how others have dealth with it, but I tend to give anybody negative a wide berth. Complain to the dance owners would be my advice, if it's not dealt with adequately find another school.

lornaballet she left the next term and I haven't met anyone else like them since.

The dance school my dc went to was lovely and the teacher used to bend over backwards to make sure everyone got a fair share and was kind to everyone. Big school, huge waiting lists and people very happy.
Then about 3-4 years ago a new family arrived who was very competitive and unpleasant and became friends with the teacher. Place has totally changed. It's all about the half dozen whose parents are friends with the teacher and teacher's actually fairly nasty to those not in her clique. And the school is dropping in numbers rapidly. From having 2-3 classes per age with waiting lists in the younger years, they've got one class which is struggling for numbers. The standard of dancing has gone down and the teacher's desperately trying different things to get it up again. Unfortunately, all those things have to make sure she's appeasing her favourites who aren't even any good so it doesn't go anywhere.
Makes me quite sad as it was a lovely school and one I've recommended to dozens of people. I now wouldn't recommend it to anyone and my dc dance elsewhere. 4 years ago we wouldn't have gone elsewhere if we'd been paid to.
Very sad what one family can do.

Witch I didn't understand a word of that?!

One mum in our gym club #tags herself #proudgymmum #dancemum & tags her husband #dedicatedgymdad etc at every opportunity. It's quite funny!!!
I think gymnastics & dance which requires kids to start very young (age 3-4) brings out the worst in some parents...

I'm 36 and there were plenty of them when I was a dancer in my teens

Thing is, it gets worse too. I danced professionally for a bit and the bitching was horrendous at times!
Chireographers and directors can be difficult too
Dd left a big school due to the nastiness and clique and is now at a smaller non competitive one which is lovely apart from one Mum who thinks she knows it all.
I just keep quiet as she yaps on. One day she will find out I know a bit more than she realises!

Ive noticed this at my dc's school, just in the last couple of years, but almost in reverse. My dd dances with children a few years older than her and even though she's only 9 she's been on the end of some awful comments from parents about how she shouldn't be in that grade, she's too little, teachers favourite etc. Luckily most of it seems to go over her head but I hear it!

Fantased, I can only report my own experience as a parent

As can I. My comments weren't personal to you, so sorry if you felt this was so. Not all schools are alike, as I said.

Fantased, I can only report my own experience as a parent, and DD's experience as a dancer in the same school for going on 10 years.

It is, genuinely, very rare in this particular school, and my observation is that this is linked to the culture and expectations of the school's leadership. A talented dancer with a very tiger dance mum - the only one I can remember who didn't rapidly pick up 'the way we do things round here' - was managed out of the school pretty firmly when she was still very young.

They don't do it in front of the dance teachers. The only way it comes to a teachers attention, I've found, is if a parent complains. I have children at four dance schools (eldest late teens) and have used several others over the years, it does seem to be getting worse, this behaviour. It might not even be obvious initially, on joining a school. Some schools are better than others, of course.

Teachers may also be aware of this type of gossip, as it will also be critical of the teachers themselves at times, but without any specific complaint they can't do very much. Some teachers, on receiving complaint will be careful not to lose the talented pupil, bringing prestige to the school, of a gossiping parent.

Sorry, should have been clearer - DD's dance teacher would not tolerate such behaviour in the changing rooms (where she is usually found between festival classes), in the corridor, while waiting, back at the dance studios - anywhere. Expectations of parents are as clear as they are for dancers.

My dd (7) was told at a gymnastics competition by a team Mate that her dad said it didn't matter where she placed as long as she beat dd. 😳

There is lots of open support and public congratulation, nobody would be silly enough not to do that, it's behind the scenes, and afterwards that the problem lies.

Know of plenty like this. Parents nice as you like to the dancers, teachers and their parents faces, but there's a lot of whispering discussion in the waiting area, where the nastiness comes out. Lots of my child is so advanced for their age, and other boasting. One woman considered all children to be a threat to her child, no matter what their age.

Apparently one child left our old school because they overheard a parent saying she wasn't very good. She was a once a week ballet dancer, didn't want to be a ballerina or dance as a career, it was a hobby only, but the parents still have to comment.

Some parents, with the children who are very good, and successful in championships etc, won't even sit in the parents waiting area (in another school) because of the jealousy and passive aggression and nasty comments.

One of the reasons I REALLY like DD's dance school is that there is very little of this. There is a lot of mutual support and congratulation of fellow students, and the head of the school would come down like a ton of bricks on anything she saw as being other than 'sportsmanlike' - congratulating winners wherever they are from etc.

There's always one, though, witchend

I would say that I've found far fewer incidences of critical behaviour from parents in our gymnastics club, and competitive gymnastics, than competitive dance. I think it might be because the sports club members and parents identify strongly with wanting the club to do well, if that makes sense, it's not all about the individual. Our club does quite well in gym internationally, too.

user I sat in front of a family like this at dd2's first club competition.

They commented the entire time on how much worse every other child in the group (dd2 wasn't in their group) was and when their child was up how brilliantly they were doing.
Come medal time, (quite a large group, I think 10 children) they were buzzing with excitement. I heard the dad say they better be prepared for a quick getaway as the other parents would be too jealous to talk.
First discipline bronze. Child called. They're making comments on how could that child get bronze they were so weak. Silver... well if that child got silver there was no way their child didn't have gold. Gold... and they were half way on their feet with applause before they realised it wasn't their child.
Repeat for other two disciplines.
Half the family marched out with faces like thunder, and the dad went to tell the judges that they didn't know how to judge...
I was slightly interested to note that when the whole results were published their dc was 10th/9th in each one.

I can see it happening in dcs gymnastics, one mum in particular makes out her dd's are far more advanced than they actually are on Fb & gushes about how amazing they are. She flew into a tizzy when 3 kids in her daughters group were moved onto the the next level for comp & then proceeded to try & isolate them & their mums, honestly they were frozen out! Mum is a queen b type & dd's have to be centre of attention at the gym... It's ridiculous