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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

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Original poster

Is it very bad to pressure DD to take up a brass instrument?

94 replies

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 21:03

Dd is a pretty handy Grade 4 piano, and joining a girls secondary school next year with a good reputation for music. New school have written to ask if we want to arrange any lessons - and it's crystalised a long conversation about how it would be a good time to take up an 'ensemble' instrument.

Dd opening gambit: cello. I veto based on too heavy to carry 30 mins to school every day. Plus DS2 plays cello - and I think it would upstage him.

Gambit 2: violin or flute. I'm negative about these too - on the basis that there will be squillions of horribly squeaky violins and flutes at an all-girls school - and that DD would be 'behind' people that had played them for years.

Gambit 3: Clarinet. I am less rabidly negative - but it is DS1s instrument (it does seem rude to upstage - though DS1 is a more robust character than DS2). Also the issue of likely over-supply @ school. And a wider accusation of failure of imagination - on the basis that her reasoning is "XXX plays it & sounds nice" .

DH is projecting his thwarted ambitions onto his daughter strongly pro drum lessons. DD is open to that - but she wonders if she is too shy to be an effective drummer (and I'm inclined to agree. Plus rhythm is the weakest part of her piano playing).

OP posts:

Mistigri · 04/03/2015 22:38

As the adult you should have a veto on practical grounds, but I agree with the others that she's not going to be motivated to learn an instrument that you pushed her into.

We compromised on sax but it was DD's idea. Might have been different if I'd realised before saying yes how expensive they are ...

Bakeoffcake · 04/03/2015 22:36

In answer to your thread title...

Yes it is very bad to pressure a child to take up an instrument they have no interset in.

She's expressed an interset in 3 instrument, let her choose fgs.

Original poster

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 22:33

She chooses & plays piano!

But a relatively minor investment of effort Y7 onwards could give her a second instrument - and opportunities to join ensembles - for the experience & social side.

OP posts:

Allaboutkyt · 04/03/2015 22:33

What Canny says. Let your daughter choose. You sound so pushy!

CarlaVeloso · 04/03/2015 22:32

What an odd thread. Why can only one sibling play each instrument? Myself and my brothers all played piano and violin growing up. There was no overshadowing. We were not prodigies.

Let her play what she wants. That's half the battle towards getting her to keep at it.

And I wouldn't like to be the neighbour of a child learning the trumpet.

itsbetterthanabox · 04/03/2015 22:31

It's up to her. It also has nothing to do with the instrument her siblings play. It's not 'upstaging' and if she wants to play an instrument it really has nothing to do with her brothers. It also seems unfair to say she can't carry a cello/get lifts when you already are doing that for her sibling. Try and be fair and let her make her own choice. It also doesn't matter what other kids at school play. It just means they can help each other.

MrsTawdry · 04/03/2015 22:29

why can't she play what SHE chooses OP?

Fiddlerontheroof · 04/03/2015 22:28

Just wanted to point out, having been a professional double bass player for years, life has been anything but boring.

Also, she needs to choose and express a desire for what she wants to play. That's the whole point, it means they are enthusiastic about the instrument, they want to practise and they're not doing it because that's what the parent says they should play!

Original poster

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 22:26

We already have an electric drum kit - DH dabbles - & FWIW reckons DD is decent.

Her main 'issue' with rhythm is that she tends to play by ear - and her rhythms gradually mutate away from what is written in the page.

She does enjoy drumming on DHs kit - but is not sure she could translate it to doing it around strangers.

OP posts:

Mistigri · 04/03/2015 22:23

We had this debate last September. First instrument is guitar and she also plays piano. She used to play descant and alto recorder.

DD wanted violin. I vetoed on the grounds that I don't want to live with a beginner violinist and I also thought she would find it frustrating (she doesn't have a good record of handling frustration).

We ended up compromising with the alto saxophone, for several reasons: ensemble instrument, can easily add tenor or soprano later if she wants, lends itself to a variety of musical styles (she does a lot of jazz guitar), and it's an "easy" instrument especially for a student with previous wind experience.

Good choice, no regrets.

TheGonnagle · 04/03/2015 22:22

I must add that I am vehemently on the child choosing side, even if dd wants to play a violin (sob)

TheGonnagle · 04/03/2015 22:21

Bassoon is cool (biased)
Watch gaga saga by breaking winds for proof.
(Committed reedy person)

BrambleandCuthbert · 04/03/2015 22:20

What's the point in pressurising her to learn your choice of instrument? Her heart won't be in it and, even if you can make her practice, she's unlikely to reach her potential. You can learn the trumpet if you're so keen. Let her learn what she wants - and YY to finding somewhere she can try out lots of different instruments. You never know, there may be a left-fielder out there that neither of you have yet considered.

Have you heard of Atarah Ben-Tovim? She's a professional flautist who did a tonne of stuff relating to children and music in the 70s and 80s. She was vehement about the need for the child to choose the instrument.

stealthsquiggle · 04/03/2015 22:18

...oh, and good orchestral percussionists are always in demand.

The rhythm thing is an issue, admittedly.

PandasRock · 04/03/2015 22:18

You cannot enforce your views on instruments.

You have half a reason re: practicalities of getting instrument from A to B (although would you really be 'driving go her everywhere' - she'd need a lift a couple of times a week), but to suggest things like 'she's not a natural flautist, she always up a tree or gluing something together' is just plain ridiculous.

Just let her choose, and if she does choose an instrument that one of her brothers already plays then read the riot act re: upstaging and re: being touchy about someone being better than you.

stealthsquiggle · 04/03/2015 22:16

You can get pretty good electronic drumkits which take up a bit less space and, more importantly, can be plugged into headphones.

The real thing makes cello transport look like a non-issue.

Original poster

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 22:16

She wants to do piano . Is behind the concept of joining groups in secondary school - but not over-excited by any particular instrument.

And that's fine.

But from where she is on piano - I think she could pick up an orchestral instrument quite easily. Even if she's lukewarm about the instrument - being the adult - I have the perspective that she might in due course appreciate the ticket to the social benefits of making music with other people while in school. and appreciate not breaking her back carrying a cello three miles home

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 04/03/2015 22:14

Christ you sound absolutely horrendous.

Let her choose.

The most important thing about children playing an instrument is that they should enjoy it. Quite how you've got the brass neck - pun intended - to accuse your husband of pushing her towards drum playing for his own benefit, when you are doing exactly the same thing is beyond me.
You can't be a shy drummer, especially if you are lacking in rhythm.

I'm not sure what you think is niche about an oboe? It has a good solo repertoire, and forms part of an orchestra. Is it that you don't want her to take it up incase she's better than you? I am struggling to see why else.

The cello thing I can understand in view of the situation with her younger brother.

The rest of it just sounds like you need a brass player to complete your family ensemble.

SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard · 04/03/2015 22:14

My dd plays cornet in a brass band. It is awesome, the band gives kids short lessons and then as soon as they can play a short piece they are part of an ensemble and as soon as they are managing that they get to stay on for the training band.

It is so rewarding to play in a concert with a cool sounding band after playing for a year or so. Much better than individual lessons.

tbh though, I would go for the sax.

ooerrmissus · 04/03/2015 22:10

Drums are fecking noisy. And take up a hell of a lot of room. I think you can be a shy drummer as there's a lot of instrument to hide behind.

I would be minded to let her make the ultimate decision. As PP said, if she's not interested she won't practise.

canny1234 · 04/03/2015 22:07

God,to be quite honest you do sound very much of a over a controlling pain.Just let your daughter learn whatever she wants to.Half the battle is getting mine to practice at all and they are all playing instruments they like.My very petite daughter is playing the Double bass,2 sons play guitar and drums,plus one on violin.They all play Piano and find it a major advantage in helping them progress.Will the school let her have a trial go to see what instrument she would enjoy/have an aptitude for ?

Original poster

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 22:06

(Tbf - she was offered an orchestral instrument when DS1 & DS2 began theirs (she's the oldest) - and could have had the cello then. The current cello 'thing' is mainly because she seems to think she is already a pro from swiping DS1s instrument and picking out tunes on it.

She said at the time that piano was her thing - and she still feels that way. Just from the school/ensemble/group playing PoV it's a bit limited.)

OP posts:

Seekingtheanswers · 04/03/2015 22:03

YABU. My parents pushed me into playing the oboe when I was a kid, mainly because of the supply & demand argument, and also because my DSis already played the cello. I never really liked the oboe as an instrument, and I wasn't interested in playing it, so I never really practised much. I wish now that I had been able to try something else. Ironically, I'm sure my parents would have let me change, had I been vocal enough, but I didn't want to disappoint.

Please let your dd choose what she wants to play.

Original poster

BarneyBoots · 04/03/2015 21:58

The cello is a total veto. I just can't drive her around all the time - and she and DS2 have a bit of a 'dynamic' where she tends to eye-roll him a bit too much and he takes it all a bit too hard. She is 4 years older and already 'borrows' his cello to 'show him' how to play his pieces... If she starts - he'll quit.

The clarinet is a maybe. There isn't the size barrier - and her and DS1 are more evenly matched from the PoV of him not feeling upstaged - and to give possibility of duets etc.

I stick to my view that flute and violin are dull and competitive at the same time. She's just not a natural flautist. She's always up a tree or glueing something together. On the piano - she's very into picking out tunes she knows/making up her own music/a bit of Jazz.

OP posts:

Sgtmajormummy · 04/03/2015 21:56

One thing to consider about trumpet: does she wear a permanent brace or are you expecting her to need one? My dentist assured me it wouldn't be a problem but it turned out to be impossible for my son to play with it. Six months before an important trumpet exam. He had to switch to an Invisalign which is much more expensive.

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