Tiger/helicopter parents/ Have you been accused.

sheblackhawk Nobody has said it makes you are terrible mother, but I think the response to your initial post indicates that probably the majority of parents would say it puts your parenting outside the bounds the the "norm" in one of those bell curve diagrams - I mean, seriously, you won't interupt the piano practice of a 10 yr old boy when his Gran wants to speak to him on the phone ???
To me 'helicopter parenting' is about not giving the dc enough space - yes, space to make mistakes and get things wrong, and even occasionally fall and bump themselves / get caught in the rain / sleep a night at camp without enough warmth (according to age), space to resolve their own problems or issues with friends, etc. It's about trying to micro manage their lives and not let them learn all those valuable skills such as how to negotiate, compromise, 'get on with it' when you don't get your choice, resolve differences, etc. and also learning things like how to plan, and what to do when plan a doesn't go according to plan.

Oh God did I say "selfmotivated for himself"? Surely that's not good English.

Yes morethan, I know what you mean. A tiger is a tiger and I'm far from one. But it's a thin line and it's so easy to cross it, especially in London, everyone is so competitive and you get dragged into it and I have to constantly remind myself I want to raise a well balance person and a happy boy. I could never stop supporting him because it's so much in mine and DHs nature and besides DS is also very ambitious and selfmotivated for himself and loves what he does. But I do like to hear what other parents do and then reflect on how I do things and learn to do things better. It's just interesting to hear other children younger than mine are being taught how to iron and make coffee! I'm sure learning life skills is compatible with music practice and homework and it can be made fun too. It can act as a chill pill because it's so practical, not mental or stressful at all. That's what I like about Mumsnet.

morethan - :o at your 'it started in China' remark.

You've obviously haven't spent any time living in the USA. Go there, watch a children's soccer or baseball game, observe the 'proud' parents on the sideline. THEN come back and talk to me/us about pushy Chinese parents :)

Sorry you will be wondering why I thanked you. I have changed my name as I have decided not to be a helicopter anymore if I ever was one. Sheblackhawk is dead.

Gosh that's horrible poor girl. Thanks morethan.

No I haven't been accused of either.
Although I do worry sometimes that I do both!
I have a tendency to hover over DS at playgroups, primarily because he is usually the butt of other children's exuberance or grabby behaviour, but also because he will react to this and I don't want him to misbehave in turn. Don't need to do this so much now he's 4.6 as he is better at moving away from trouble.

I also have him doing football class, dance class and swimming - and would like him to take up tennis, self-defence of some variety and possibly horse riding (if he wants to). But I don't want to wear him out.

I try not to push him academically just yet, although I can't help but be disappointed that he has next to no interest in reading yet (I could read at 3) and still hasn't learnt to recognise all his numbers, but I understand that pushing him just now would probably be counterproductive, so I don't.

He certainly is encouraged to help out though. He helps to empty the dishwasher, he helps to lay the table, helps hang out the washing (hands me the pegs) and bring it in again (puts the pegs back in the bag). He will sweep up crumbs (or try to at least) and gets his toy Henry out while I'm vacuuming. He helps with baking and is allowed to watch with cooking but not to touch anything just yet (and DH doesn't even like him watching because he has strong issues with small children being burnt/scalded). But at the moment, he enjoys it! Long may it last. :)

Uf, so I'm not alone here if we're talking about tidying his room or putting his dirty clothes in the basket. That he does!
Poosh you're right, why do the parents who push in one direction - academic, achiving, protective - get all sort of names and the parents who push to the same degree in other directions - be tough, hit back, don't drop that you stupid, wash the car, etc - don't? Shall we call them boa constrictor mums?
Drop, same here. I had to clean - sweep, dust - and so did my sister even though she was allergic to dust. My brother, btw, was not asked to do anything. Imagine. After eating, my sister and I had to take our plates to the sink. My brother didn't!

Well when I described myself as a 'helicopter patent' I was referring to my inability to not stand hovering over them on climbing frames etc
I had to housework as a child - a lot. I hated it and it has made me not want my children to do chores until they are older

Drop -

I obviously don't have empirical data to prove my point but I suspect that the academically pushy parent is usually the one that keep chores away from their kids and that it is the 'let children enjoy their childhood' lot that believes that children should have more responsibilities when it comes to household chores.

So no, I don't think some of the posters are wrong. I just find it funny how some parents are keen to criticise tiger parents and then go on about how children mopping floors and doing menial chores builds character.

I just think that when children are little I do t want them doing household chores. I have gradually taught mine how to was up properly ..how to hang clothes in washing line, how to cook, how to blot spills put of a carpet etc but when they were really little they did nothing. They will spend a lot of their adult life doing this boring shit, as do the majority of us, so I wanted them to enjoy childhood without that necessity. But I don't think other people are wrong - just of different opinion

I expect my kids tidy up after themselves eg take their dinner plates to the sink, put dirty clothes into wash basket, put used cups into the dishwasher, put away ironed clothes and so on. But I don't expect them to dust and clean or do general household chores.

It would bother me if they were grown up children and still expected this but for the time being I enjoy looking after my kids.

It would bother me if they spent all their free time watching tv, Skype-ing mates or playing PC games but they don't. I mean, weekdays they have music lessons and practice sessions, after school activities and about 2 hours homework.

I would rather they focus on these things than helping us adults cut the grass, clean the car, mop the kitchen floor etc.

It's 'funny' how some people have a 'children should be children' approach to studying yet have a different view when it comes to children and household chores.

Yes, this OP has become hot stuff. DS does not have an xbox or a Nintendo, really. He also doesn't watch telly. The time he is not helping he is immersed in a book or writing a comic or playing music. Sorry, I find it really really hard to say: stop doing that and load the dishwasher, or stop doing that and peel a carrot. Ok, I guess I am the worst mother on earth. But please duchesse, children thank God are more complex and individual than that, and nurture is not all, and a child doesn't have to be a type B just because he is not being brought up as a type A. So in terms of your semi-musical/semi-athletic, self-centred brute DS, ironically, seems to be the most cooperative and caring boy in his class according to his teachers. So like I said, there are all kinds of children and I shall try to do better...

At the risk of morphing this into a tiger mom thread, how can anyone here who reads threads about how some moms spend years tutoring their kids to get into highly selective schools actually believe that tiger moms are synonymous with the Chinese?

I completely agree with you colditz- doing chores is most definitely part of a healthy childhood. They come under the "cooperative" and social" part of my last post. Living in a house with other people involves taking part in all the activities that make that place a home.

Here here colditz.

See my previous post about me not having to help at home. Not good.

But doing chores is the first step on the road to basic life skills. I would no sooner make mine not do chores than I would refuse to support their reading, or not make them go to school, or not show them how to get dressed, or not bother brushing their teeth. It's basic self care and I must confess to being a little bit aghast at children who aren't made to care for themselves and the environment they live in.

The chores I give them are not about me passing the buck of housework, it's a learning opportunity. I don't feel children should be denied an opportunity to learn.

My feeling are that if you have to engineer your child's life so that they focus on the thing(s) you want them to do then they are already doing too much for them. Children need to grow up as cooperative and social human beings. Having consuming hobbies is good, but it does absolutely not absolve them from being pleasant, helpful, and good team players. If they can't manage their homework and their hobbies and be pleasant and cooperative without massive parental intervention, they are being pushed beyond their natural ability and it will come to grief somewhere along the way. The very least we should expect from children is that they learn to live cooperatively and try hard at school (ie develop social skills and a work ethic).

Everything else is an optional extra. Nobody is interested in a semi-musical/semi-athletic, self-centred brute, except maybe themselves and their parents.

I've been a helicopter parent to all of mine... Just can't help myself
And they don't do chores unless I specifically ask for help with something. 7 yr old doesn't at all

10yr old ds is very busy too, but he is expected to do chores. I actually didn't help around the house when I was young and I was so embarrassed when I left home and couldn't make a cup of tea or chop an onion.
As a result, ds can make simple meals, and, most importantly, make tea and coffee!!!!!! He asked me to teach him how to iron (I helped him iron his school shirt and shorts). He also has daily homework, and music practice, plus sports to do.

He still finds (too much) time to play on the xbox, and make a den with the other kids in the street.
Do your dd a favour and teach her how to cope with life skills.