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Original poster

How do I stop the body shame and start to love exercise?

103 replies

herbaceous · 17/11/2023 11:32

Fat and flabby 58-year-old here, trying to get off my arse and go to the gym, for which I'm paying every month.

The problem is the very thought makes me want to cry. I do go, as I know I 'have' to – in order to build bone strength, maintain muscle, not die prematurely, yadda yadda – but shuffle around, doing machines, avoiding the scary free-weights area, and trying to fill 30 minutes until I can reasonably leave again. An inner monologue just starts up 'I hate this I hate this I hate this', which doesn't help matters.

It is not remotely enjoyable, I never get any better and there is no fabled 'endorphin rush'. Instead I feel this weird visceral shame about it all. If anyone comes near me, I have to look away, and often stop what I'm doing. All these people in one place doing something as intimate as improving their bodies just feels weird!

I tried running, as that is solitary and hard to make excuses to avoid, but felt similar about that. Ashamed of my ineptitude, hated feeling so knackered, and never got that 'runner's high'. Swimming is acceptable, bizarrely, but not quite enjoyable enough to make it worth the hassle involved.

Can anyone relate? And has anyone overcome the shame? I'm sure it's a hangover from hideous school PE, where the only goal was to be good enough for the team. (Obvs team sports are a total no-go area these days.)

OP posts:
Original poster
herbaceous · 17/11/2023 12:18

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, high-stakes exercise with people is the worst thing. The thought of park run, for example, brings me out in hives.

I do pilates once a week with other people, and that's OK, as is my swimming lesson I also do. We moan to each other about how awful backstroke is, or whatever, at the end of the pool.

And oddly I used to enjoy aerobics and step classes (remember them?), as I think the necessity to remember the choreography meant I forgot about the fact I was about to die. I was young, fit and slim then though...

You are bang on about the worst bit being thinking 'oh God I've got to go haven't I' or trying to find justifications for not doing so. I guess Nike nails it when it says 'Just do it'.

I chose the gym as there's so much about lifting heavy weights being good for the middle-aged woman, and it's a good effort:reward ratio. Maybe I should get some weights for home, and use Caroline Girvan, or one of those terrifying women.

OP posts:
Onewildandpreciouslife · 17/11/2023 12:16

You are talking to yourself in ways you would never talk to anyone else. Until you change how you talk to yourself, no amount of exercise is going to make you feel better about yourself.

Can you challenge that inner voice? If you say find yourself saying “I hate this”, can you say “I find this challenging but at least I’m having a go?”

If you feel knackered running, perhaps you’re pushing yourself too hard. Can you set yourself a really easy goal? Then when you have achieved that, feel pleased with yourself and make the next goal ever so slightly more challenging. And keep going from there.

SprogTakesAQuarry · 17/11/2023 12:07

Reading your post, two things leap out. First, that you hate exercising around other people. Second, that you’d like to enjoy exercise.

Dealing with the enjoyment first, could you just accept that you may never like it and then find the smallest, least awful ways to exercise?

Secondly, it seems like the gym doesn’t work at all for you. Could you explore some other options instead? Maybe make a menu of possible alternatives and then try them all a couple of times? Even 3 x 20min a week is a good amount of exercise. Just explore at first then work out what is most bearable.

Some thoughts off the top of my head:

  • Learn to skip. Spend 20 min doing it - at first you’ll only be able to do a couple of skips at a time but then build up.
  • Youtube strength programs - again, 15 or 20 min sessions.
  • If you don’t walk, could you try long walks , maybe music or podcasts.
  • Try a different gym, or a different time in gym. Or maybe change your current gym program so that you only do 20min and it’s just say 10min of cross trainers and 10min of rower for example.
  • Buy a step and learn step classes at home via YouTube.
  • Join a local beginners running group. Running is 100% the one sport where it’s acceptable to be rubbish, but you need the right supportive environment.
  • Accept that swimming is just not that great, but try to do it once a week anyway.

A little bit is better than nothing, and perfect is the enemy of good. If you are unfit, then even the smallest amount of exercise will have a big impact.

I find the worst thing about committing to exercising is spending large parts of the day knowing I should do it, and playing to and fro about whether I will do it or not. So depressing. One way to beat that is to do first thing in the morning. The other is to commit to not thinking about doing it and only let it occupy your mind when you are actually doing it.