Partner doesn’t understand how I feel about exercise

lifestooshortandsoami · 2021-08-03T06:24:18+00:00

Does anyone else’s dh not seem supportive of their exercising? I’ve always tried to keep fit and been to gyms over the years - dh has always passed the odd negative comment but not much and I just ignored it. The last year I’ve started running, well it’s a slow jog/ walk, and whilst he says he’s supportive he doesn’t seem it. He always passes comment and says things like ‘oh you’re obsessed’ and lots of eye rolling huffing about. He hates when I talk about it and that I get up early to do it- but I have to as with kids and work id not end up getting out? Is it just one of those things I’ll have to put up with? I’ve tried talking to him but he just says I always support you- but actually it feels like the opposite! It’s so tricky as I find it hard to motivate myself as it is so when someone makes you feel guilty for going the temptation to not do it is strong. Oh and one thing to mention is I broke my foot/ badly sprained my ankle two years ago, just by falling down one step at home, so he says he worries about me? Is it that or is he just being a bit of a knob?

Iamanunsafebuilding · 12/08/2021 08:30

Ooh forgot to add, I run 3 times a week and have recently added 2 gym classes a week as well and my DH is genuinely supportive in both his words and actions.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 12/08/2021 08:28

I have a friend who's husband was unsupportive of her exercise routine, it gradually became sabotage both in putting obstacles in the way of exercise and food choices. It was one of the major reasons she left him last year and is now the happiest she has ever been and free to make the choices she wants to with exercise and food.

robotcollision · 12/08/2021 08:13

I literally go for less than an hour 3 times a week so def not a massive amount

I thought from your first post you must be a female running version of MAMIL cyclists, leaving him a weekend widow, looking after the children.

Three hours a week is nothing! Just ignore him. Don't react. Enjoy your runs.

MyriadeOfThings · 12/08/2021 08:03

I have to say, like a PP, I wondered how much you are running.

Dc1 is very much into running. And you could argue that we should be supporting him blablabla. And we do.
But the reality is that he is also so obsessed with running that he is planning his days around his run (if we do X and Y, will I still be able to go for my run in the morning? type of thing).
So yes we do tell him ‘he is obsessed’ because tbh he is.

Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 12/08/2021 07:42

When I mean reassure I mean that I stick to my guns and tell him I love him and am not going anywhere but (importantly!) that my running is for me and that he either needs to support it or shut up about it as am still going to do it.

He is very supportive in lots of other ways but agree he’s being a complete knob about my running!

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TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 11:32

I need to reassure him but stick to my guns and do my own thing such as keep running

He is being unsupportive of you and your response is that you need to reassure him? There is a flaw in your plan...

Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 07/08/2021 17:35

Thank you all.

I’ve called him out on it previously but might not have been in the most constructive way. I mentioned it again this week when he made a negative comment and he actually thinks he’s being supportive?! I’ve told him clearly that just saying he’s supportive doesn’t mean anything if he’s behaving and saying things which show he isn’t. It seems to be a mixture of him feeling a bit insecure but also being a knob. I need to reassure him but stick to my guns and do my own thing such as keep running. It’s a good job he’s great in most other ways

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TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 21:27

Can you not just have the sentence 'That's not very supportive' at the ready? If you've had to say it to him several times throughout the week, then when you talk to him about it he tries to say 'But I'm always supportive of your keep fit, dear', it won't ring true.

It sounds like you're not even pointing out to him what he's doing.

You absolutely don't have to put up with this, but you will need to communicate with him or he'll just keep doing it.

GreatAuntEmily · 06/08/2021 19:54

can't help wondering whether it is just that he feels like you are showing him up by exercising, and it is making him feel like a lazy slob. And nobody wants to be made to feel like that.

Well, yes, but let's face it that is very easily remedied.

atlastifoundit · 06/08/2021 19:09

@GreatAuntEmily

He's annoyed you are enjoying time without him, leaving DCs with him, choosing to do sport rather than being around pandering to his needs.

I'm not sure it's this. I can't help wondering whether it is just that he feels like you are showing him up by exercising, and it is making him feel like a lazy slob. And nobody wants to be made to feel like that.

speakout · 06/08/2021 19:04

OP your Oh is simply a knob.
I am heavily into yoga- have been for years, daily practice and several classes a week.
OH does no exercise, but totally supportive of me. Sat/Sun morning we have a few hours together- he will drop me off, do some shopping, pick me up and we have breakfast or coffee.
I never push him to come along and he is always respectful of my need to exercise.
WE are different people in a happy relationship.

Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:57

@OrangeBananaFish

I'm into running and exercise while DH isn't. I never get any of that reaction from my DH. He tells me to enter races and he tells me I should run/gym because he knows I enjoy it. Over the last 9 years that I've been running I think I can count on one hand the times when he's politely requested I not do a parkrun/race whatever, but those times was for a genuine reason (family event etc). Sounds like he is just trying to make it difficult for you. Just carry on what you're doing and enjoy yourself.

I’d love for my dh to be like this but I think I need to accept he isn’t going to be, and not let it bother me. He’s generally a lovely and caring guy so I guess that’s why I expect him to support me with my exercising but if it’s not meant to be I’ll just ignore his attitude! Thank you

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lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:51

@m0therofdragons

I run and fell 3 times over 2 years (tripped on pavements and had nasty grazes). My dh’s response was to get me an Apple Watch with built in falls detection. Your dh is a knob. I sometimes feel guilty going to the gym as it’s me time and dh has to put dc to bed but dh is fine about it and encourages me to go; it’s my own mum guilt.

Sorry to hear about your falls but that’s so lovely that he thought of a way to help. I didn’t even know the Apple Watch had a fall detection so might look into it (as I am clumsy!) Mum guilt is tough isn’t it! I think that’s why I then worry that I’m being selfish and shouldn’t go but I know I’m a better person when I exercise and get my space

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OrangeBananaFish · 03/08/2021 20:50

I'm into running and exercise while DH isn't. I never get any of that reaction from my DH. He tells me to enter races and he tells me I should run/gym because he knows I enjoy it. Over the last 9 years that I've been running I think I can count on one hand the times when he's politely requested I not do a parkrun/race whatever, but those times was for a genuine reason (family event etc). Sounds like he is just trying to make it difficult for you. Just carry on what you're doing and enjoy yourself.

Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:48

@Hissysnake

Is he like this with everything you do without him or just exercise? Sounds like he's upset you've dared to have an interest without him

@Hissysnake he’s usually ok and I don’t remember him being like this about going to the gym but it’s prob about 3 years since I regularly went to the gym... I’ve mainly noticed it this last year with my running? You’d think after spending so much time together this last year he’d be glad for me to get out of the house!

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Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:44

@lljkk

Is he feeling insecure that you'll decide he's not good enough for you (not being that fit himself) so you're going to find a fitter bloke?

It sounds like he's feeling insecure; if he's a good guy otherwise, worth a bit of reassurance so he knows your hobby is not a threat to the relationship.

Actually yeah he used to be very insecure but isn’t as bad these days do it could be that. He used to always think he ‘wasn’t good enough’ so it could be his insecurities making him behave like a knob! Will reassure him (and tell him to stop being a knob and realise im not going anywhere!)

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lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:43

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

It doesn't sound from your post that you are 'obsessed' but people can get like that.

Often it's the MAMIL types or marathon runners off on long cycle rides/ runs all weekend leaving their wife in charge of the kids. That kind of thing it is legitimate to complain about as it does put more pressure on the other parent if one has unilaterally taken most of a weekend day and some evenings to do their sport and left the other with no spare time or family time.

Nipping out for a run in the morning a few times a week doesn't seem to fall into that category to me but I do think there could be instances where it would be legitimate for a spouse to be 'unsupportive' of someone's hobby.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity yeah I know what you mean and I’d get it if I was training hours on end. I literally go for less than an hour 3 times a week so def not a massive amount

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Hissysnake · 03/08/2021 20:42

Is he like this with everything you do without him or just exercise? Sounds like he's upset you've dared to have an interest without him

Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:41

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

Does he do any exercise himself? Is he afraid you'll be fitter than him and not fancy him anymore/ meet someone at running club? Usually men who are into a sport themselves get the benefits and are more understanding and actively want their partner to stay fit.

Does he get equivalent time off from work and childcare to do his hobbies? He should do.

DH and I used to go to the gym separately due to childcare but now our kids are secondary age we go together which is much more fun and easier to fit in. Are your kids old enough that you could run together? Would DH want to try that?

Why not ask him if he'd like to exercise or if he doesn't (you can't force someone) then if he'd like time for his own hobby quid pro quo?

I think it’s partly guilt/ jealousy as he’s always saying he wants to go to the gym and get fitter but he literally goes about once a month, if that. He does get equal time, if not more time, away from the kids but chooses to go to pub/ go for something to eat etc
I’ve suggested to him about running with me (dc 15 and 10) but he doesn’t want to. I’ve encouraged him to go to the gym but he won’t set a plan to go and then says he doesn’t have time

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lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:37

@Cloudbaser

He is being a knob. Just get on and do it. My DH doesn't keep track if when I run when I don't and prob doesn't care. I don't feel like I need his support to do it or for him to be supportive as it is something I do for me though so I don't care about that aspect.

@Cloudbaser thank you for this as it’s made me realise how Im thinking.... why do I need his support? I don’t as it’s some to isn’t it doing for me and it makes me feel great. I’m going to ignore him being a knob

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Original poster

lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:35

@GreatAuntEmily

He's annoyed you are enjoying time without him, leaving DCs with him, choosing to do sport rather than being around pandering to his needs.

I suspect it is this and that he doesn’t like the fact I can enjoy myself doing something I like- especially as it’s not some thing he likes

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lifestooshortandsoami · 03/08/2021 20:33

@Iggly

He’s being a knob. My DH is a bit like this and it annoys me. He’ll also say “I am supportive”, when actually no, his first comment is usually a negative one.

The only advice I can give is to ignore it. I’ve explained to DH that I don’t like it, and when he does it, I ignore him.

I thought he was being a knob and seems I was right

I think I need to learn to ignore it instead of letting it irritate me!

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lljkk · 03/08/2021 20:27

Is he feeling insecure that you'll decide he's not good enough for you (not being that fit himself) so you're going to find a fitter bloke?

It sounds like he's feeling insecure; if he's a good guy otherwise, worth a bit of reassurance so he knows your hobby is not a threat to the relationship.

m0therofdragons · 03/08/2021 20:21

I run and fell 3 times over 2 years (tripped on pavements and had nasty grazes). My dh’s response was to get me an Apple Watch with built in falls detection. Your dh is a knob. I sometimes feel guilty going to the gym as it’s me time and dh has to put dc to bed but dh is fine about it and encourages me to go; it’s my own mum guilt.

Spodge · 03/08/2021 18:01

You can't magic up support from him. If he's just paying lip service (and badly at that) there's not a great deal you can do. Mine constantly fussed about me overdoing it. I just ignored him and got on with it. 5 years later (!) he has stopped fussing, accepted this is not a craze I am going to get over and has realised my exercise is non-negotiable. He's actually started to take some interest in it now. I think it's only out of politeness so I don't bang on about it, but it's progress.