How long can people live like this?

My mother is 93 and she has zero quality of life.
doubly incontinent, pain, immobility getting worse, bad reactions to meds.

She’s in a rest home but we’re heading towards hospital care.

She has a strong Christian faith and I know is praying just to go.

I am terrified of being in this situation- I didn’t know any of my grandparents, my father was out of the picture, and aunts and uncles seemed to live happily up to their late 80s, and then go quickly with a stroke or heart attack. So this is my first experience of someone living, but not living, if you know what I mean. I think her heart is reasonably strong and this could go on for years. I wouldn’t want it for myself. And she definitely doesn’t want it.

I think part of the issue is this is a very recent problem. My Nan’s parents died in their seventies. She went on to nearly 100. In a care home, recovering on numerous occasions where we all thought it was the end but really not enjoying life in the last at least five years or so. She had never experienced this with her own parents. I’ll be really interested to see what my mum’s thoughts are as she gets older, having been in that position herself and seeing and experiencing the awfulness of it. I know she won’t want it. But what is the alternative? It’s such a difficult situation.

I agree quality of life should be the priority, but these poor people hardly chose this. Moreover, there are plenty of other socially unproductive things the country spends lots of money on.

I do wonder where the places are that are 200£ pw less than this..?

We're in rural south west... Costs here are a good 200£ pw more than this.... I know cos I was asking over the summer and contacted many places...

Indifférent places wanted 1650 just for residential...

So sorry about your dad and for you having to bear that.

I completely agree with you.

There is a point beyond which a person should not have to suffer and why we cannot afford humans the same treatment as animals at that point is beyond me.

I agree and have said this numerous times on threads like this. It's not about being callous but realistic. We either need to accept much higher taxes OR allow euthanasia OR see those who can pay receive excellent care while everyone else ends up in a workhouse environment. I get frustrated at the magical thinking people have on this topic. We need adult conversations about the demographic timebomb afflicting Western European countries. Ironically more and more younger people are dying because they can't get the timely medical care they need, largely because the health service is overwhelmed by very elderly people with complex medical needs.

I understand the dilemma where the elderly are being made to live past their natural lives, for whatever reason, but I don't understand the dilemma where this is not the case.

Anyway, I wish you the best and thanks for taking the time to respond diplomatically. 💝

I’ve seen some very elderly people survive for years on a few spoonfuls at meals, and half a dozen cups of tea daily. No meaningful exercise or intellectual stimulation.

It is baffling. They must be genetic amazons.

Well said. You are not making this about what you want and what you feel. It’s the very elderly people who are suffering.

Couldn't agree more @HoppityBun and I have said before that I don't understand why people are kept alive for over a decade longer than they should be, often in care homes.

There certainly is a lot of money to be made from keeping very old people alive, no matter how poor their quality of life, or the fact they can't feed themselves, shower themselves, have advanced dementia, and cannot go to the toilet themselves, and need carers to change their nappies. Some care homes are making a FORTUNE.

Even as little as 25 years ago this simply didn't happen. Most people would get some kind of illness or disease in their 60s, or 70s, or 80s, and would die a couple of years later.

People languishing in care homes with ZERO quality of life, often with advanced dementia, unable to feed themselves, needing nappies, barely able to talk or hear anything, and being unable to shower themselves - for 10-15 years - or even longer - NEVER used to happen.

You may find this thread very interesting

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5525221-care-homes-make-me-think-people-never-die?page=1

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I was my Gran’s carer/lived with her in her last few years. She hated hospitals and was very much ‘I’ve got to 90, happy with my lot, I don’t want to die in a hospital’.

She was in hospital and after pinning down what the plan was/chances/best case scenario as she was fading fast they said doing nothing was only a 10% chance of survival but they wanted to try a feeding tube but as she had spent so long in a hospital bed she was expected to be bed bound for good.

It was quite the fight to get her out and back home. Like it was really going against the grain. I remember making sure that I had understood properly ‘you’re saying best case scenario she’ll be totally bed bound and she won’t even be able to enjoy her food/a cuppa?’

We went home, she didn’t survive but she enjoyed a Bailey’s the night before she went.

If she didn’t have me advocating for what she actually wanted I’m fairly certain she would have died in that place or lived a pretty bleak extra couple of months. Family members thought I should have refused her home to ensure she had her ‘treatment’ and couldn’t believe we were giving up.

Also people without these 'burdens' are very keen to tell those of us completely burnt out what we 'should' be doing, while our lives are seeping away quicker than the elderly person.... They are always folk who either swerved looking after their olds or through cirsumstance....

One of my parents elderly pals when I told her how utterly burnt out I was working 16/17 hour days with no time off for 170 days...so no time for pals /social visits/nornal work .. Anything.. I should be grateful for this opportunity to care for my (bloody awkward /borderline abusive) parent...

Her sole contribution when her parents were elderly... Taking them out to lunch twice a year when she flew in from Europe...

How on earth I didn't tell them to fuck off I don't know.. M

I passionately believe people should be able to do an expression of wish and state that when they reach a certain state they should be euthanised.

like others on this thread, I watched my dad who was a force of nature end up bed bound, doubly incontinent, barely able to swallow and didn’t know where he was. It was unbearable. If I reach that point I want to be killed. I cannot see what the issue is with that.

It's insanely expensive to keep people alive for very little. Perhaps options on the NHS should be limited after say 87.

Crunched. - big hugs from me and as a regular contributor on other threads you don’t get that normally from me!

I have seen the inside of far too many care homes and hospitals. My parents didn’t get diagnosed with dementia but there was a lot of memory loss and just wondering why they were still here.

They were both educated independent people and were shells in the end. Mum was barely 5.5 stone and looked like a concentration camp victim. She just wouldn’t eat and yes they did give those energy type drinks but she just wasn’t interested and left them untouched in the last few weeks.

She didn’t need food where she was going and I know now it was a sign she was about to pass. I wasn’t there when she actually died and although I got there within 1 hour of her dying it didn’t look a peaceful passing. Her face was contorted and her eyes were half open. The carer who was with her said she was begging to die.

And yes it's absolutely for money.

Average Weekly Costs (UK, 2026)

• Residential Care Homes: £1,100 to £1,300 per week
• Nursing Homes (with dedicated nurses): £1,450 to £1,535 per week
• Residential Dementia Care: £1,343 per week
• Nursing Dementia Care: £1,564 to £1,767 per week
• Luxury / All-Inclusive Homes: Start around £1,800+ per week

My DM has self funded for nearly four years now. She spends the day sleeping, crying or screaming. FashionPassion have you seen the devastation that dementia can bring? The self-educated librarian, from the working class background that my DM was, would be truly devastated by the wretched, bedbound, weeping being she has become. A DNR was agreed 10 years ago.
My DM has not deteriorated since she was admitted to the care home after a fall that had no physical consequences. I cannot imagine what will finish her life. She eats nothing, but sips 3 cups of tea a day. Her continued existence is a mystery.
All respect to the carers, one who held my arm today as I was shaking and crying after seeing my DM's pain.
My MIL had completed a RESPECT form but that was over ridden by the ambulance crew in any case. Thankfully she died at home (aged 95) at home eventually.

Ok, I get the point about being artificially kept alive. That, IMO, is wrong because it prolongs suffering for all. But, how are they artificially being kept alive? By machinery? Is feeding them, caring for them etc keeping them alive artificially? The person who was "revived" I can understand would be upsetting, if it was their natural time, but the post doesn't say that this was the case for both.

So, I was trying to understand what the issue is i.e. is it that the other individual wouldn't want to be "revived" or kept alive longer than what would be possible naturally like in the case of the other person? Have they stated that or has the trauma from the other incident caused concern and a shifting perspective.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. My great grandmother suffered greatly in a nursing home and I sometimes wonder if the elderly are kept alive for profit. On the other hand, I worry that the elderly are not kept alive for profit. It's a hard road, either way.

I completely agree with all of this. It is something I have been thinking about too as I am in this phase with elderly relatives. And actually OP, it is in fact partly because they lived these healthy lives - my medical sibling says they're going to start indulging in everything unhealthy once they get to a certain age because if something like that doesn't get you then you end up with this endless, frail existence as you say.

We seem to think that extending life must be the aim above all things, with little understanding of what that really means a lot of the time.

I agree on assisted dying too, it's incredibly cruel that we make people end their days like this and I actually am so angry at the selfishness of those who have made it about non-existent issues or imaginary pressures that might somehow fall on them even though they or their loved ones would never be candidates. Millions upon millions of people denied a dignified end and forced through horrific suffering due to fears about things which were not even within the bill's scope. I hope desperately that this changes in future.

My grandfather spent the last two years of his life either in a chair, or in bed. He had panic attacks if left alone, so my grandmother (or a convenient family member) was also housebound for that time. Before that, he had such a social life that he was barely at home for any occasion other than mealtimes and sleeping! My grandmother was very much the same.

She is now 98 and recently started slowing down. She asked years ago that, rather than let her sit in a care home 'waiting to die' (the one nearest their house was known as 'God's waiting room', judging by the amount of people you saw in the windows for years on end), we put her in a tent up on the moors, so that she could die that way, rather than having a prolonged death.

I know that it upsets some people, but we wouldn't let our pets suffer in that way, so I fail to see why it is considered acceptable to do it to people, particularly if they are of sound, independent mind and say that they wish to die.

I’ve worked in a care home and I’d definitely agree that some people have a poor quality of life. We’re not talking about a gentle decline but of people who are a combination of immobile / incontinent/ non verbal / blind / deaf. I think when life is reduced to just being toiletted, fed and cleaned by strangers then we aren’t being kind keeping folk going on a cocktail of medications.