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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you manage?

35 replies

wildfirez · 16/10/2026 08:41

My father has been in hospital, but is going to be discharged very soon. He can’t live by himself anymore, so he needs to go into a care home, which he is resisting. I have two annual leave days left until Christmas. How do you manage to look for care homes and sort everything out for an elderly parent when you work full time, have children, and live 4 hours away? I don’t drive, so I have no car. I have a brother, but he lives in Australia. Thank you.

OP posts:
HappyViewer · 16/10/2026 13:08

Contact many by email and then visit lots in one weekend. Will he move near you?

MittensTheKittens · 16/10/2026 13:05

wildfirez · 16/10/2026 12:25

Thank you, I will look into it.

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I get five days of carers leave each year.
It's for any caring duty, spouse, parents, grandparents etc (children are covered in different leave).

Any manager should work with you in this situation, you won't be concentrating while you've got this hanging over you.
Can you WFH/your dad's house? Can you make up some hours 'out of office hours' to give you time to ring around places etc during their office hours?
Can you swap shifts to give you some time etc.

HoldMyWine · 16/10/2026 12:35

Could he or would he move into a home near you? That’s what we did with my MIL who lived a 3 he drive away.

Whalespotting · 16/10/2026 12:31

Visiting the homes in person is the ideal but can be difficult. You could ask in local Facebook groups for the area your dad lives in for people’s experiences. There tends to be less fake reviews and more real life experiences from people.
it’s a really difficult time and I can understand why you would want to visit first.

Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 12:28

Justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushould · 16/10/2026 09:23

I'm sorry - this is very difficult for you.
I would start by looking on carehome.co.uk - reviews on here are written by family members and friends of residents. Phone the ones you like the look of, speak to the manager and ask about availability. Then book visits, all to be done in one day. It's critical to look at how the manager and staff are and to talk to them - are they a team, do they seem happy, how do they interact with residents, is there high turnover? See if the residents seem content (can be tricky to judge as older people, especially on dementia and nursing units, can be sleepy all the time.) Ask about food (is it freshly cooked on site?), nutrition (e.g. when appetite is poor) and hydration. Find out who the GP is, how often they visit, how illnesses and vaccinations are managed, how end-of-life care is handled. Ask about communication - can you join relatives' meetings virtually?
There's a lot to being a relative/advocate/attorney for a care home resident. I hope you find the right one for your DF.

Thank you! This is very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 12:27

PensionMention · 16/10/2026 09:19

Surely a lot of research can be done online?

Plus ring to see what their vacancies and waiting lists are like.

My friend wants their Mother in a local home as she is 3 hours away. She is top of the waiting list in their preferred home bit who knows when that will happen. My Father needed complex nursing care after discharge from hospital and a hospital social worker dealt with it all but it was 17 years ago so unsure if they offer this service now. The operation he had messed his mobility up so there was that as well.

Thank you, I will be able to do some of this online. I will still need to visit the homes in person.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 12:25

Geneticsbunny · 16/10/2026 09:13

You may be able to take some carers leave?

Thank you, I will look into it.

OP posts:
Justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushould · 16/10/2026 09:23

I'm sorry - this is very difficult for you.
I would start by looking on carehome.co.uk - reviews on here are written by family members and friends of residents. Phone the ones you like the look of, speak to the manager and ask about availability. Then book visits, all to be done in one day. It's critical to look at how the manager and staff are and to talk to them - are they a team, do they seem happy, how do they interact with residents, is there high turnover? See if the residents seem content (can be tricky to judge as older people, especially on dementia and nursing units, can be sleepy all the time.) Ask about food (is it freshly cooked on site?), nutrition (e.g. when appetite is poor) and hydration. Find out who the GP is, how often they visit, how illnesses and vaccinations are managed, how end-of-life care is handled. Ask about communication - can you join relatives' meetings virtually?
There's a lot to being a relative/advocate/attorney for a care home resident. I hope you find the right one for your DF.

PensionMention · 16/10/2026 09:19

Surely a lot of research can be done online?

Plus ring to see what their vacancies and waiting lists are like.

My friend wants their Mother in a local home as she is 3 hours away. She is top of the waiting list in their preferred home bit who knows when that will happen. My Father needed complex nursing care after discharge from hospital and a hospital social worker dealt with it all but it was 17 years ago so unsure if they offer this service now. The operation he had messed his mobility up so there was that as well.

Geneticsbunny · 16/10/2026 09:13

You may be able to take some carers leave?

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