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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you manage?

35 replies

wildfirez · 16/10/2026 08:41

My father has been in hospital, but is going to be discharged very soon. He can’t live by himself anymore, so he needs to go into a care home, which he is resisting. I have two annual leave days left until Christmas. How do you manage to look for care homes and sort everything out for an elderly parent when you work full time, have children, and live 4 hours away? I don’t drive, so I have no car. I have a brother, but he lives in Australia. Thank you.

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Whalespotting · 19/10/2026 19:10

He may be entitled to a rehab period of time in a rehab home. They’re less care home like, people stay for a few weeks, have support from physio and or occupational therapists. It is also worth considering if he is going home does he need any aids to support him. Any equipment or a feels alarm. The rehab homes usually have slightly younger people in, for example after a hip replacement. It may be worth asking about this. It can be easier to accept this as a stop gap and for professionals to assess his needs outside of hospital. There is a process called discharge to assess, depending on why he has been in hospital/his current needs.

PowderedEggs · 18/10/2026 14:43

You could also take "stress related sick leave"

Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:59

Thank you to all of you. You have all given me good advice. I appreciate you all replying to my post, it’s really helped make me feel
less alone, so thank you again.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:57

HappyViewer · 16/10/2026 18:51

Sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

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Thank you.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:55

FinallyHere · 16/10/2026 18:04

Could you present it to your DF as respite care, to build up his strength in order to go home. It’s an approach which has worked in many cases.

That might work, thank you. It’s so hard to think rationally at the moment posting on here has really helped.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:54

Ritaskitchen · 16/10/2026 17:36

I would be wary of doing any of this if your Dad is refusing to go into a care home. If he has capacity he can just refuse and all your work will have been for nothing

That’s what I’m worried about, thank you.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:53

Exhaustedpickle · 16/10/2026 17:26

We were able to view care homes on a Saturday which helped enormously with the time off work thing. We did lots of research online and narrowed it to three which we visited in one day.

That would make it easier for me, thank you.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:52

EmotionalBlackmail · 16/10/2026 16:10

All employees are entitled to
carers’ leave, it’s a legal right.

But it’s like parental leave, which is also a legal right. Both are unpaid and not
everyone can afford to use them.

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Thank you for this.

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HappyViewer · 16/10/2026 18:51

wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:49

I understand I could end up wasting time which I don’t have.

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Sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:51

nuttymut · 16/10/2026 14:31

When my mother was in hospital and due to be discharged. I was contacted by the discharge coordinator at the hospital. Mum needed carers which we needed to pay for . The discharge coordinator gave me a list of care companies and we had to do our own research . The DC then contacted the company we were happy with .
I would speak to someone at hospital re your dad’s care . Are you self funding or funded by SS as that makes a difference.
regarding time off to research , I just took it as AL . Maybe speak to your boss or manager.
I’m so sorry for you . It’s a shit time . We had this with my late fil . He was initially in a home local to his home but we moved him closer to us . He had a SW and was funded by SS .

Thank you for this. He will be self funding to start with.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:49

Suzyloo · 16/10/2026 14:20

If your father is "resisting" the idea of a care home, and still has capacity, you could make all the arrangements and still be met with "no" from him, so all your time would have been wasted.

What would he do if he had no children, or you both lived overseas? Could he do that now, maybe with the help of social services?

I understand I could end up wasting time which I don’t have.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:48

Argostoys · 16/10/2026 13:14

Our local council has a list of home which have spaces. You they would be a good place to start. Also ask for recommendations on a local facebook group. The council also told me which ones they prefered.

You also need to ask a care home what info they need and make sure you get it from his named nurse so you can describe his needs to the care home on the phone. The care home will visit your Dad in hospital to decide if they can meet his needs.

Thank you for this.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:46

HappyViewer · 16/10/2026 13:08

Contact many by email and then visit lots in one weekend. Will he move near you?

Thank you. He doesn’t want to move near me or leave his home.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:45

HoldMyWine · 16/10/2026 12:35

Could he or would he move into a home near you? That’s what we did with my MIL who lived a 3 he drive away.

It would be ideal if he did move to a home near me, but he doesn’t want to move or leave his home. I do understand why this is so difficult for him.

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Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:43

Whalespotting · 16/10/2026 12:31

Visiting the homes in person is the ideal but can be difficult. You could ask in local Facebook groups for the area your dad lives in for people’s experiences. There tends to be less fake reviews and more real life experiences from people.
it’s a really difficult time and I can understand why you would want to visit first.

Thank you for the suggestion about local facebook groups.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildfirez · 16/10/2026 18:42

MittensTheKittens · 16/10/2026 13:05

I get five days of carers leave each year.
It's for any caring duty, spouse, parents, grandparents etc (children are covered in different leave).

Any manager should work with you in this situation, you won't be concentrating while you've got this hanging over you.
Can you WFH/your dad's house? Can you make up some hours 'out of office hours' to give you time to ring around places etc during their office hours?
Can you swap shifts to give you some time etc.

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Thank you. I can WFH, but I can’t stay at my dad’s house as I’m a single mum.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/10/2026 18:04

Could you present it to your DF as respite care, to build up his strength in order to go home. It’s an approach which has worked in many cases.

Ritaskitchen · 16/10/2026 17:36

I would be wary of doing any of this if your Dad is refusing to go into a care home. If he has capacity he can just refuse and all your work will have been for nothing

Exhaustedpickle · 16/10/2026 17:26

We were able to view care homes on a Saturday which helped enormously with the time off work thing. We did lots of research online and narrowed it to three which we visited in one day.

EmotionalBlackmail · 16/10/2026 16:10

Geneticsbunny · 16/10/2026 09:13

You may be able to take some carers leave?

All employees are entitled to
carers’ leave, it’s a legal right.

But it’s like parental leave, which is also a legal right. Both are unpaid and not
everyone can afford to use them.

nuttymut · 16/10/2026 14:31

When my mother was in hospital and due to be discharged. I was contacted by the discharge coordinator at the hospital. Mum needed carers which we needed to pay for . The discharge coordinator gave me a list of care companies and we had to do our own research . The DC then contacted the company we were happy with .
I would speak to someone at hospital re your dad’s care . Are you self funding or funded by SS as that makes a difference.
regarding time off to research , I just took it as AL . Maybe speak to your boss or manager.
I’m so sorry for you . It’s a shit time . We had this with my late fil . He was initially in a home local to his home but we moved him closer to us . He had a SW and was funded by SS .

Suzyloo · 16/10/2026 14:20

If your father is "resisting" the idea of a care home, and still has capacity, you could make all the arrangements and still be met with "no" from him, so all your time would have been wasted.

What would he do if he had no children, or you both lived overseas? Could he do that now, maybe with the help of social services?

Argostoys · 16/10/2026 13:14

Our local council has a list of home which have spaces. You they would be a good place to start. Also ask for recommendations on a local facebook group. The council also told me which ones they prefered.

You also need to ask a care home what info they need and make sure you get it from his named nurse so you can describe his needs to the care home on the phone. The care home will visit your Dad in hospital to decide if they can meet his needs.