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Elderly parents
Original poster

Discharge Managers - just need to vent

38 replies

TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 12:08

I know they have to be hard-faced cows to do their job properly but ye gods, the combination of aggressive hassling and the complete lack of a formal process we are experiencing with arranging Mum's discharge - aaaargh.

Two weeks ago, a minuted "family meeting" where they told us some bits about Mum's (extensive) needs (nothing we hadn't observed already and said they would need to do an assessment and then they'd report back to us.

Last week Tuesday I talk to therapists as I happened to see them while visiting (so I informally I thought, totally unminuted obviously) who suggested her needs remained high, so I started to look into where nursing homes had spaces but not even decided which daughter to live near.

Wednesday, medics tell us 'another two weeks probably' , so we think good, time to look at a few options and start visiting.

Thursday the discharge manager starts hassling us (by phone) to come in for a meeting. My sister is unwell and I live f*ing 100 miles away.

Monday I make the journey and she starts out with 'if mum goes home xyz' and I say 'how will that work??' (it would be bed bound in nappies with 4 visits per day - for someone newly half-blind and with drastically progressed dementia) She goes off to check (more than once) and its oh yes she needs a nursing home, yet at the same meeting 'you've had two meeting already we need a decision and for you to progress this. We start tonarrow down search.

Rings again Tuesday and then again today "Its fFriday tomorrow we really need to progress this".

Jesus my sister is having cancer followup investigations (which I told her). I live 100 miles away (which she knows). She has my email address, yet persistently phones and texts. So tempted to block her number tbh.

And breathe.

I know she's just doing her job, but the way she combines a saccharine head tilty 'ah bless' when I tell her about my sister's medical appointment then whips out the cudgel.. aaaauuuurrrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

I don't mind admitting I went to the bottom of the garden and just had a good cry.

Are they all like this? They just grab you and give you a completely unminuted hassle session? No-one has actually formally told us the assessment has been done or what it revealed. Nothing in writing. Just 'fuck off and sign up to a £2000/week care home in the space of four days'. Grrrr

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 16/10/2026 04:48

I made a Pals complaint about the discharge manager dealing with my mum. The way she spoke to my elderly parents was appalling and she terrified my mum in hospital. She clearly hadn’t done her job early enough in the process as she suddenly appeared got really pushy, threatening them with having to pay for care if they said no to a transfer somewhere 100 miles away the next morning. Then it became obvious she wasn’t medically fit for discharge and she stayed another 6/8 weeks until ultimately moving to a nursing home under section 117.

Fiftyandme · 15/10/2026 21:20

TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 16:28

I was told this wasn't a matter for the hospital social worker when i asked at the first meeting.

Honestly the communication has been shite

Show quote history

Utter bunch of bollocks.

NHS do not do care act assessments, that’s the job of adults social care.

Call up your local authority now, ask to speak to duty and tell them that your elderly parent is being discharged without a Care Act Assessment and you are requesting one as you believe she has social care needs and that there are safeguarding concerns due to advanced dementia and being bed bound.

Everyone is entitled to Care Act assessments and the local authority has a duty to actively identify those with care and support needs.

Every local authority has hospital discharge teams.

Evety single one.

What kind of hospital is your mum being discharged from?

If it’s a mental health ward was she sectioned under section 3 of the mental health act? If she was she will be entitled to s117 after care funding if her needs relate to her mental health (and dementia counts) and this include care home fees being paid for not matter what your mums assets are.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/10/2026 16:43

Yep, she was practically threatening me with the idea that DM would get an infection if stayed another day. DM didn't help - lying through her teeth that she could do stuff - but from the day she came home for the next two years my life was no longer my own.

Original poster
TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 16:32

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/10/2026 16:04

I'm not being flippant when I say I was traumatised by the discharge nurse when my DM was in hospital in 2019. I asked if she could take herself to the toilet and back and was assured she could. They told DM she was ready to go home even though I had been assured that she would not be discharged until there had been a full assessment. There was no assessment. I refused to take her home without an reablement package so we were granted a few days grace although everything was done in a mad rush because we had been assured that her home situation (a mobile home in our garden) would be assessed.

Even now, seven years on, I can barely think about it without feeling panicky and tearful.

Oh my God, I don't think you are being flippant at all, it's absolutely horrendous isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 16:31

mrsm43s · 15/10/2026 14:41

Firstly, sympathy as it's a horrible situation to be in, I've been there.

Secondly, you need to understand that your Mum is bed blocking and needs to be moved asap - that's in days to maybe a week or so, not in weeks or months time. So if you are the one who is choosing the care home, yes, you need to do it right now, not over the next few weeks and months.

Thirdly, you don't have to do it at all. You can hand the responsibility over to Social Services to do on your Mum's behalf. But remember if you do this, then they choose the home, not you, and you might not be in agreement with their choices.

It's a shit situation all round, but you can't expect your Mum to sit in hospital blocking a bed for weeks or months while you decide what to do, you need to make a decision straight away, or opt out and leave it to SS to sort.

I found the last year or so of my Mum's life the worst and most stressful I've ever known. Take care of yourself.

Edited

I know this and am equally keen for mum to move , but it swerved from 2 weeks to four days with no warning. It's just an impossible ask and at the same meeting she told me " asap" she also didn't even know rhe details of mums assessment. It's so crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 16:28

Fiftyandme · 15/10/2026 14:44

Where is the social worker from the hospital discharge team? It is them who need to do Care Act Assessments first based on hospital asssessments and meeting with you and your mum.

I was told this wasn't a matter for the hospital social worker when i asked at the first meeting.

Honestly the communication has been shite

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/10/2026 16:04

I'm not being flippant when I say I was traumatised by the discharge nurse when my DM was in hospital in 2019. I asked if she could take herself to the toilet and back and was assured she could. They told DM she was ready to go home even though I had been assured that she would not be discharged until there had been a full assessment. There was no assessment. I refused to take her home without an reablement package so we were granted a few days grace although everything was done in a mad rush because we had been assured that her home situation (a mobile home in our garden) would be assessed.

Even now, seven years on, I can barely think about it without feeling panicky and tearful.

Fiftyandme · 15/10/2026 14:44

Where is the social worker from the hospital discharge team? It is them who need to do Care Act Assessments first based on hospital asssessments and meeting with you and your mum.

mrsm43s · 15/10/2026 14:41

Firstly, sympathy as it's a horrible situation to be in, I've been there.

Secondly, you need to understand that your Mum is bed blocking and needs to be moved asap - that's in days to maybe a week or so, not in weeks or months time. So if you are the one who is choosing the care home, yes, you need to do it right now, not over the next few weeks and months.

Thirdly, you don't have to do it at all. You can hand the responsibility over to Social Services to do on your Mum's behalf. But remember if you do this, then they choose the home, not you, and you might not be in agreement with their choices.

It's a shit situation all round, but you can't expect your Mum to sit in hospital blocking a bed for weeks or months while you decide what to do, you need to make a decision straight away, or opt out and leave it to SS to sort.

I found the last year or so of my Mum's life the worst and most stressful I've ever known. Take care of yourself.

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2026 13:12

It’s unclear what the full situation is. Will your DM be self funding? If so, then it’s generally up to family to sort out a care home, especially if your DM will be living outside of her usual local authority. If it’s LA funded, then they generally find a suitable home in terms of meeting her immediate needs, within her usual LA. I’m afraid their priority is getting your mum out of hospital as she is bed blocking as soon as medics deem her fit to be discharged, not the needs of her relatives. It’s tough, but the system is broken.

Starzinsky · 15/10/2026 13:06

You can ask for a teams meetings. It doesn't need to be face to face if travel is difficult or you don't live nearby.

This situation is highly usual unfortunately. Definitely does not need to be so disorganised and then a complete sudden rush to discharge. Likely driven by a shortage of beds for patients with higher medical care needs, but very simple considerations in forward planning and communication would make it so much easier for families to prepare for discharge.

Original poster
TiredofMotorways · 15/10/2026 12:16

Forgot to add after being told last weds "another two weeks" on Monday it was "she is ready now". Which we were supposed to have, I don't know, guessed?

OP posts: