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Elderly parents
Original poster

Assets but no cash to pay for care - experiences and handhold

120 replies

Throwaway380 · 13/10/2026 19:07

Can already think of a billion ways I could have made this easier with hindsight, so please be gentle.

My Mum has got a very complex degenerative neurological disease. Has been cared for at home but my Dad can no longer cope and is in an absolute mess.

We applied for CHC but were deemed ineligible even though every care home I’ve spoken to is astounded at this. We will appeal or reapply but that obviously takes time.

My Mum had about 30k in savings but other than that her one asset is a buy-to-let house she and my Dad co own. Obviously selling this will take a while as need to give notice to current tenants etc.

Was told by the social worker that we could get a Deferred Payment Application on the buy to let, but then told by the council’s finance team they would not do this.

We had a specialist care home place lined up for Thursday but as we don’t now how the proof of financing it they have cancelled this, I’d already arranged for her current drop in carers to stop as of 10am Thursday so currently in a worse position than we were before. Am hoping her current care company can come back.

We have told by multiple nursing homes she is too complex and they can’t meet her needs and her current care company specially train people so if we get a random other company they’re not going to be able to provide that same level of care immediately whatever.

Feel like I’ve utterly messed up and we’re going to have to look at equity release. But equally we will need to sell and my Dad is not going to have that much to live on once the income from the letting goes, and don’t want to go into negative equity on that property and seems to not be advised to do it for short term (whilst we end the tenancy and market the house) in any case.

Have seriously been told by two different people at the council to just call an ambulance or go to A&E if it’s ‘an emergency’. She does not need to be in hospital, and it would really distress her (she’s totally cogent although extremely physically limited).

I honestly can’t believe they can leave people like this, literally nothing on the deferred payment form about it not being suitable for second properties, wasted hours filling it in.

Restarting the search for a nursing home tomorrow but going to face same issues of how complex the needs are. And we’re going to be in a mess with the money in 10 weeks or so anyway, and that’s if we spend her last penny.

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Crikeyalmighty · Yesterday 18:34

Throwaway380 · 23/10/2026 06:36

Mum is going in today. Still haven’t really sorted the financials, though have a couple of leads on remortgaging.

Thankfully half term doesn’t start til Monday for us, but still got to get through my DD’s birthday party on Monday.

Also hitting me how much Mum is going to hate it (nothing we can do about it sadly, and I’m not being overly negative, but it’s true). No where is going to compare to home or having a constant stream of people giving her 1-2-1 care. Sadly that was totally unsustainable and we’d all crumble so there’s no option. But I have a lot of grief about it all, which was being hidden by the stress of the previous situation.

But she is in somewhere she’ll be safe and cared for - and that’s the main thing.

There’s always compromise to be made - and the safe and cared for has to come first lovely x

nocoolnamesleft · 23/10/2026 13:02

Well done for managing that. I know you must have all sorts of mixed feelings, but there really wasn’t a choice. Hugs.

Lastknownaddress · 23/10/2026 07:59

Throwaway380 · 23/10/2026 06:36

Mum is going in today. Still haven’t really sorted the financials, though have a couple of leads on remortgaging.

Thankfully half term doesn’t start til Monday for us, but still got to get through my DD’s birthday party on Monday.

Also hitting me how much Mum is going to hate it (nothing we can do about it sadly, and I’m not being overly negative, but it’s true). No where is going to compare to home or having a constant stream of people giving her 1-2-1 care. Sadly that was totally unsustainable and we’d all crumble so there’s no option. But I have a lot of grief about it all, which was being hidden by the stress of the previous situation.

But she is in somewhere she’ll be safe and cared for - and that’s the main thing.

Thinking of you.

PermanentTemporary · 23/10/2026 07:27

That’s a big day. Hoping it goes well for you all 🤞

Original poster
Throwaway380 · 23/10/2026 06:36

Mum is going in today. Still haven’t really sorted the financials, though have a couple of leads on remortgaging.

Thankfully half term doesn’t start til Monday for us, but still got to get through my DD’s birthday party on Monday.

Also hitting me how much Mum is going to hate it (nothing we can do about it sadly, and I’m not being overly negative, but it’s true). No where is going to compare to home or having a constant stream of people giving her 1-2-1 care. Sadly that was totally unsustainable and we’d all crumble so there’s no option. But I have a lot of grief about it all, which was being hidden by the stress of the previous situation.

But she is in somewhere she’ll be safe and cared for - and that’s the main thing.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 20/10/2026 10:30

A difficult situation but all you can do is give notice to tenants asap on correct form. Ring estate agents and get them to take photos and market house. They can add earliest completion will be 4 months. Can your Dad downsize to a smaller home too if just him left living there?

AGoodDayToTryHard · 20/10/2026 09:54

Throwaway380 · 18/10/2026 19:44

I don’t want to get too excited but one of the homes I saw yesterday that I thought Mum would resist she is actually OK with. Mainly because it’s nearer to home and is the next market town so she feels like she knows where she is I think.

But I really really liked it, not at all fancy like some homes, but seemed like lovely staff, proper homely feel and really listened and responded and thought of different options for Mum. Also apparently most of the carers and nurses have been there at least a couple of years which feels quite rare with care generally and is, I think, a good sign.

It’s still subject to an assessment and obviously as we learnt last week things can go wrong but I have everything crossed.

That sounds really positive. Got everything crossed for you! It’s such a relief once you’re through the other side, hoping it happens soon for you x

Original poster
Throwaway380 · 18/10/2026 19:44

I don’t want to get too excited but one of the homes I saw yesterday that I thought Mum would resist she is actually OK with. Mainly because it’s nearer to home and is the next market town so she feels like she knows where she is I think.

But I really really liked it, not at all fancy like some homes, but seemed like lovely staff, proper homely feel and really listened and responded and thought of different options for Mum. Also apparently most of the carers and nurses have been there at least a couple of years which feels quite rare with care generally and is, I think, a good sign.

It’s still subject to an assessment and obviously as we learnt last week things can go wrong but I have everything crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway380 · 18/10/2026 19:33

PowderedEggs · 18/10/2026 14:34

It is possible to sell BTL with tenants in situ
via the quick method of sale via property auction.

The owner can set a minimum price for sale.

The Auction House can help with valuations & photos.

You can sell with zero tenants, but this will take longer.

Ooh I had not thought of this - this is worth considering! I actually feel very bad about the tenants as they’ve been there 7 years and it’s not their fault so would love to sell with them still in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway380 · 18/10/2026 19:32

PowderedEggs · 18/10/2026 14:36

Does your DM receive attendance allowance ?
If not apply, it is not means tested

She does thank you! One of her good friends used to work for Citizens Advice so sorted it out for us early on.

OP posts:
ThePelican · 18/10/2026 17:54

While I understand that they can't get to make deferred payments to a nursing home based on their main residence because your father lives there, I do think they could do a conventional equity release on their main home. I completely get that they and you might not WANT to do that, but it would answer the problem of being able to access cash immediately.

PowderedEggs · 18/10/2026 14:36

Does your DM receive attendance allowance ?
If not apply, it is not means tested

PowderedEggs · 18/10/2026 14:34

It is possible to sell BTL with tenants in situ
via the quick method of sale via property auction.

The owner can set a minimum price for sale.

The Auction House can help with valuations & photos.

You can sell with zero tenants, but this will take longer.

Original poster
Throwaway380 · 17/10/2026 21:17

AGoodDayToTryHard · 17/10/2026 15:53

We’ve just sold mums bungalow as she moved into a dementia care home in June. From day of offer to completion was seven weeks! So we were lucky. We completed all the council paperwork for deferred payment as the care home obviously needed paying: they hadn’t approved or declined in the time it’s taken us to sell. It’s unfathomable how useless the council are.

OP our parents also have rentals - two jointly owned even though they’re divorced. Going to cause a lot of headaches as my dad is refusing to sell, but also can’t buy my mum out. He can fight the council when her bungalow money runs out, I’ve had my fill of interactions with them!

Good luck, and hope your DD has a good birthday x

Agree about the council, they feel like madly inhumane system. Sorry you had to deal with it too

And I feel for you about your Dad and their rental properties. My Dad is at least happy to sort it out - including selling so that if he needs care we don’t face the same problem. Although the battles I’ve had prior to this, it took them a literal year to sign POA (which thank everything I did force them into). Absolutely leave him to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway380 · 17/10/2026 21:09

CurlyWurlyKitKat · 17/10/2026 09:17

Do you mind me asking what condition it is? My mum had PSP, and it sounds similar.

My mum was fast tracked CHC and then was removed, and put on FNC while she was in a nursing home. Unfortunately she passed away before we had to sort any payment out for the shortfall.

Have you got consultant support, and have you been given a prognosis?

It is indeed PSP. I’m so sorry your Mum had it too, it’s nasty.

We don’t have any timescales and are under two different consultants. I would say the consultants are supportive but only limited in what they can do.

I think average survival is about 7 years, and Mum is on year 11 post the classic initial diagnosis of Parkinson’s later clarified as PSP. Personally I think Mum now seems exceptionally frail, but she has never actually had any pneumonia or anything so not sure it’s just the progress of the illness.

It sounds harsh but I wouldn’t be surprised if she went thoroughly downhill within the month, or will still be with us this time next year, it’s all so uncertain.

OP posts:
mybiggreenfrog · 17/10/2026 15:59

I'd get a solicitor to challenge CHC. Get just rely on the fact you won't. Check parents house insurance, they may well have legal cover included.

AGoodDayToTryHard · 17/10/2026 15:53

We’ve just sold mums bungalow as she moved into a dementia care home in June. From day of offer to completion was seven weeks! So we were lucky. We completed all the council paperwork for deferred payment as the care home obviously needed paying: they hadn’t approved or declined in the time it’s taken us to sell. It’s unfathomable how useless the council are.

OP our parents also have rentals - two jointly owned even though they’re divorced. Going to cause a lot of headaches as my dad is refusing to sell, but also can’t buy my mum out. He can fight the council when her bungalow money runs out, I’ve had my fill of interactions with them!

Good luck, and hope your DD has a good birthday x

CurlyWurlyKitKat · 17/10/2026 09:17

Do you mind me asking what condition it is? My mum had PSP, and it sounds similar.

My mum was fast tracked CHC and then was removed, and put on FNC while she was in a nursing home. Unfortunately she passed away before we had to sort any payment out for the shortfall.

Have you got consultant support, and have you been given a prognosis?

dmboots · 17/10/2026 09:05

I work for adult social services and I’d put money on you being in my area based on what you say. I can even picture which CHC assessor you’d be talking about!

The problem for the social workers is that they make rules up as they go e.g. can’t have a DPA on second property… Also we don’t know what will happen because we are beholden to senior managers who seem to have forgotten their social work training where the person should be at the centre.

I’d keep pushing for CHC. The FNC comes off the back of the CHC assessment and goes directly to the nursing home - and it has to be NURSING not residential to get that. The home will sort that part out when she’s there.

Lastknownaddress · 17/10/2026 08:32

@Throwaway380 if your Mum has additional requirements around feeding etc then this might not be quite a bleak as it feels. (Although awful for you all, the care bit might be better than it feels right now)

The nursing home Mum is in, runs their own assessments and supports families to get CHC funding. They have weekly GP and nursing team reviews for all their residents, and are very good at working out which individuals meet the threshold. Having the assessment via them, was much better than battling on our own, in a standard care home. One of the criteria is around ability to swallow, manage medication etc. So when you do choose a nursing home, ask them what their wider care and support is beyond the staff in the building. A standard care home will largely rely on care staff, and may not be able manage your Mum's needs. But levels of nursing care varies significantly.

Have you thought about respite care in the short term? A good home will provide this and work with you to get the assessments sorted while your Mum is in there. It is worth asking. They will know the system and can navigate it on your behalf.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 16/10/2026 23:25

@Throwaway380 That’s exactly what it is. Every step of the way. My dm was living at home until she was 99 and SS never did one assessment to look at her needs. Not one. They are meant to and even when she came out of hospital they didn’t even get in touch. Nothing. We eventually found a care company after 20 failed attempts. Twice a week for 1 hour was all they could manage. No one has any staff. Then if you pay for a home, the hospital subcontractor suggested places with spaces. Otherwise it’s a limited number of state spaces at homes you might not like and your DM has very specific needs, so it’s even more of a challenge.

The unpalatable truth is your parents have money but didn’t plan for their care. The money isn’t available. They can take out a loan but that’s unpalatable too. They could have given the rental property to you (years ago) and you could now raise a mortgage on it. But that’s not now possible. They could have liquidised the asset themselves and invested the proceeds, but they didn’t. It’s not entirely unreasonable that the state now doesn’t give them a loan or mortgage. Why did they not plan for such fees?

Original poster
Throwaway380 · 16/10/2026 23:08

I am amazed there is not some kind of emergency pathway we could access if we had a gap before. I’m not even trying to get out of paying for the care, everyone will get their money eventually. It’s the lack of immediate help that feels so awful.

I talked to the more senior social care person today I don’t think they did any of the proper assessments they should have done a month and half ago when we first started talking to social services, and when I flagged with the social worker I was seriously concerned about Dad’s welfare . And now the council assessments are a bit moot as we’re basically on a ticking clock.

I have felt that basically because we’re self funding they’re like ‘you sort it out’ and clearly that has gone terribly as they gave me completely the wrong financial advice (admitted by them).

I’m going to bypass the council as the homes all want to assess Mum individually anyway, and the main thing I don’t want is for somewhere to say they’ll take her without a clear understanding of her needs, as she’ll just end up in hospital, and in hospital I have no idea how you’d access the extra help she would need to feed herself say, or if they’d leave the family to do it. It’s all around nutrition, that is the big sticking point for everyone, as Mum is incredibly slow, at risk of choking and also cannot be hurried as due to the nature of her disease she just sort of shuts down when that happens. She’s not safe portioning food herself, it’s like she gets stuck and forces too much food in, then chokes, and as she’s blind and quite immobile has to be spoon fed. Not many nursing homes have a member of staff just at a loose end ready to support that, and a few have said they’d have to up ratios which we’d then be paying for.

Mum is just really distressed by everything at this point, it’s awful, she’s already visibly shrunk from getting worked up about moving and then it not happening, it’s a very big deal for her. So I really don’t want to put her through loads of assessments that I can’t see would achieve anything. We’ll just do the ones from any individual homes.

I wouldn’t wish this situation on my worst enemy as we’re stuck in a weird bubble of needing to do quite complicated financial arrangements to secure Mum’s future, actually finding a home, and arguing with the CHC people. Depending on the quotes for care we get (no one has got to that point yet) we’ll have a clearer idea of how long before her money runs out.

I am so incredibly angry still we lost 2-3 weeks over just sheer bad communication from the local authority. I’m literally now calling back homes I spoke to last month and meanwhile Dad’s just getting more and more run down. I’m going to stay overnight on Sunday hopefully to give him a break. The placement we had would still be far the best thing for Mum’s health and wellbeing so I did act for the best there, it just blew up in my face.

OP posts:
MeetMeOnTheCorner · 16/10/2026 21:17

@Throwaway380 You are going to have to get your head around them being for profit organisations. It’s not a crime to provide services.

My council gave up running homes decades ago. Their homes became part of a trust. The other, vast number, of homes would not exist if it was not for the private sector. So decide what you want. Nowhere near enough homes or a sector that embraces private homes because they are vital. Plus its utter pie in the sky to think they will be privatized! That would be a clear signal for other private companies to back out from assisting the state. If you want no services, that’s the way to go! And who then pays? I’d get your head around the politics and be grateful firms are actually providing services you cannot.

The self-funding pay for those who rely on council funding. They pay over the odds. If you have no money, the council pays under the odds and the better off subsidise these places. So it’s win for some who haven’t saved, and lose for those who have.