Friend reported me to Social Services

Wow! He is no friend. I would cut him out of your life. It sounds like you’re doing a great job and sometimes things get tense. Caring for elderly, dying parents is incredibly stressful. As a close friend he should know it was a one off and that you’re not being violent to your parents.

He couldn’t cut it as social worker so why is he so compelled now to report it?

“Throwing stuff” around can be lots of things and I think it kind of makes a bit of a difference what exactly you did. My brother used to rage and throw stuff at the wall, smashing it. To me that is a bit abusive because it always scared me and kind of made me feel like he wanted to batter me. If you just threw whatever was in your hands on the ground, I think that’s different.

Whatever the case is, I think you and your mum are at breaking point and perhaps it’s time to bring in a professional carer if at all possible.

She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.
All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.
I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents

Not ideal the shouting but conflicts are normal - HCP were telling is this when Dmum was ill and I dropped everything to do support and was dealing with pain relief and practicalities.

In that case I was one doing the actual support and sibling wanted to be in charge to point he phyically assulted me when I dared disargee with the rubbish he was spouting to HCP there. They said it was common and they'd seen it all before.

Hopefully SS can offer some support - though your parents may need to pay for it and half the argument mums with siblings and HCP prior was not wanting support in house before dad died. Apparently refusing limited support is also very common.

As long as your Dmum agree you were not phyically violent with either of them - but I'd stop having contact with the friend however well meaning they may of not be. At every least he seems to have twisted what you said.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so

I think it is actually the 360 opposite of this, isn't it,

I smell bullshit. My profession meant that I worked frequently with social services and I can tell you with 100% confidence that they won’t disclose the reporter in any circumstance. They rely on confidentiality in reporting from the public, professionals, and family members so that fear of retaliation isn’t a deterrent. They are also bound by public interest protections and data protection regulations such as GDPR which also prevents disclosing personal details about the person who contacted them.

What sort of behaviour have you jumped to conclusions about?

I think your friend probably did what he felt was right in the circumstances, likely thinking he should err on the side of caution and that it was better to be safe than sorry, but I would also understand if you felt you couldn't continue the friendship.

I hope you, your mum and your dad are as ok as can be hoped for.

This could be a good thing. You have been your parents carer for many years, and now hopefully they will get extra support and you will be let off some of your caring responsibilities. It could well be that your friend felt that you needed extra Support. You were at the end of your tether caring for a sick father and a vocal opinionated elderly mother s not Easy. Take all the Support you can get.

But he stated she was violent towards them and that’s not what OP has written. Being frustrated and throwing something down isn’t the threshold for being violent. As I say someone throws towels on the floor and walking being described as violent is completely ott

Of course it's wrong, and horrible for OP to be shouted at when she's trying to help, but it's not 'equally abusive'. OP is carer to two fragile and vulnerable adults, and a social worker or ex social worker who hears of her throwing things around their home in a fit of rage (however provoked) needs to report it.

Yes it is, especially if a person is frail and bed bound and could be caught in 'crossfire'.
Your friend did as what he would have been obliged to do in his former role. The fact that your mum was there to witness this and is "horrified" will most likely mean that the case will be closed. They are obliged to investigate, abuse of the elderly is on the increase.

I disagree. A true friend would say she needs support and encourage her to call SS herself to ask for it and explain she needs help. Or he could have phoned them and said his friend needs support as it’s too much for her and there has to be a needs assessment to help her.

He told them she’s been violent towards them which is not the case from what OP has told us.

You threw things around and walked out, your mum shouts and screams, this is obviously difficult for you both. The "friend" has actually done the right thing, hopefully this will lead to your parents being assessed and your dad getting the care and support he obviously needs.

It sounds like both you and your mum are, understandably, at breaking point. Your friend had a duty of care to ensure your dad’s safety and well being, but also to ensure you and your mum got adequate support. It may be hard to see now, but that friend is a true friend who clearly cares about you and also your mum and dad.

if you walked into a care home and the staff were screaming and shouting and throwing things regardless of what the residents were doing you wouldn’t think it none of your business would you?

if i’m screaming and shouting and throwing things as the person with the most control in a situation i need to have a think.

OP could wash her hands of it all and say she’s not helping anymore as it too much for her and would be well within her right! Give her a break!

she might not be coping. you can mean well and still not be doing the right thing. still if i was concerned i would say something to you unless he is just being spiteful or for some reason feels he is unable to talk to you?

op what help is coming in? it’s not just you and you expecting mum to be able to care too is it?

The OP also says that her DM has screamed and shouted at her, which is equally abusive.

Every time a case of abuse is in the news, people always ask 'why didn't anyone get involved?' 'Why didn't someone say something?'
Even if you didn't hurt either of your parents, it doesn't sound like a particularly nice environment for your father to be spending his last weeks/months. You don't deserve to be prosecuted for your outburst, but maybe you need more help than you're currently receiving.

Members of the public can report anonymously, professionals can't. If the friend was reporting and had shared that they were an ex social worker then it's more likely they'd been considered as a 'professional' in that context. Realistically the friend probably would've known that it's likely the OP would guess it would have been them (because very few people would have the info to report) so wouldn't be likely to ask for it to be anonymous.
I've reported a few things I've seen in my personal life and have always been honest about my profession and given my name to it, the only time I wouldn't would be if there was a genuine and serious worry about repercussions (more than someone 'just' being annoyed with me)

Maybe he spoke to social services because he could see you and your mum were stressed and upset and needed extra help. Perhaps he was doing it from a good place rather than a malicious one.

As usual the OTT responses 🤣🙄

Poor woman is up to her eyes and it’s all getting on top of her so she threw some stuff down (which could be clothes!) in frustration and walked off, yet somehow this has been twisted to she’s chucked a hard object at her mother and it smashed her dad over the head.

I mean honest to christ, give the OP a break. We all get frustrated, we all get pushed to out limits and so she chucked some stuff down and walked off big deal. Her mothers reaction even says she didn’t want it to go further tells me she didn’t feel threatened!

Some people are dicks and he sounds like a massive one for doing it behind your back. OP could wash her hands of it all and say she’s not helping anymore as it too much for her and would be well within her right! Give her a break!

Whatever the reason it's pretty obvious that you're all in a pretty overwhelming stressful time and I don't care if you're Mother Theresa, we all have a limit when caring for people in a pretty full on way. In a way he may have done you a favour as you obviously need more support. Or help to step away as much as possible from caring for your parents.

However you won't be able to trust this person again. He made a call but lost a friend in the process. He'll have considered that before doing it.

Be honest about the stress you're under and ask for someone to take over or share the load.

You've fixed nothing except any possible doubt that you think extremely vulnerable people, should put up with this sort of behaviour in their own home.

And that no-one should check on their welfare.

Stressed wife and daughter of terminally ill man have an argument.
There-fixed it for you.
Heightened emotions do not required a SS referral FFS.
Clearly OP's mother is in agreeance

Don't you think your behaviour was abusive, OP? Losing your temper and throwing things?