Friend reported me to Social Services

I'd consider that friendship over. Couldn't really trust them after that.

Adult safeguarding services are definitely not obligated to disclose the referrer, in fact they are supposed to keep this information completely confidential. So thats really odd!

It happens, but I’m surprised there are PPs who think throwing things isn’t abusive. It can be very intimidating, especially if you’re vulnerable.

Saying that, I don’t think I could get over a friend reporting me (unless they had very good reasons to do so). I’d probably just stop contact and if they ever reached out I’d say something along the lines of “I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t think I can look past it and I would appreciate if you don’t contact me any longer”.

Exactly.

I wonder what help he has actually offered? Or just wants to judge an incredibly difficult situation from the safety of the side.

If all he has done is report you and not offered help, he is vile

No you can be abusive in rhe moment,

the op hasn’t come back or given details, but I’d also assume she’s not been reported for just throwing a mug , she’s potentially thrown stuff at her parents, the accusation is violence to them,

and yes absolutely even if it’s a one off, it would be abuse, also remember this is unlikely to be a young person posting, the op is potentially herself in her sixties if not older,

You know he was right to report any suspect abuse. Caring can be very difficult and he maybe trying to support you !

Losing one's temper in a fraught situation, as a one off, does not qualify as abuse. Of course it can be frightening and intimidating, I am not debating that. But, it would need to be an on going thing that is used to get one's own way, and to control those around, to be abusiv, in my opinion

how would you find out if it was the latter or former? **no one is going to admit to being regularly intimidating

He did the right thing. You sound overwhelmed. Is it possible to step back and allow professionals to take over some of the caring? At least the more physical things and you can be there more emotionally.

There’s a lot of elder abuse out there and most of it is from partners or children of severely ill elderly people.

yes it’s stressful looking after an elderly ill person.

but loud verbal rows aren’t great and if it did escalate to full on throwing things that’s really not good.

obviously what was thrown and at whom/towards whom matters here, and you don’t say.

but yeah, I’ve been the disabled person taking the brunt of someone else’s anger and knowing I can’t physically run away and it is genuinely terrifying.

i hope your dad wasn’t listening terrified

Just like when someone kills another person/themselves when waiting for help from mental health services, and they're clogged up with someone seeking an ADHD diagnosis on a whim

sorry are you saying there are some people who are seeking an ADHD diagnosis for fake reasons and therefore are in some way responsible for the lack of on the ground social care elsewhere? not the government? not the people who decide how to spend our tax? but the person three streets away who thinks they might be neurodivergent? there must be a personal story behind this leap!

One of the basic rules in safeguarding is that it’s not your job to decide whether or not something wrong took place, it’s just your job to report any concerns and let others decide. That’s what he did. But obviously you can end a friendship if you feel no longer comfortable in their presence and you don’t need a legitimate reason for doing so.

It depends on the outcome, if it results in an increased care package, home or hospice care then that's positive but I would ask the friend why they didn't speak to me first, he's only been home a short while and it's already causing friction which is no good for anyone. It isn't up to the mum if she wants to prosecute or not.

Are there any injuries OP? Is your mum or your dad injured? Were they hit by anything you threw? Talk of prosecution for a shouting match and slinging something (not at anyone) sounds over the top.

Whether or not he was right and obligated to report, the friendship is most definitely over. How could there possibly be any coming back from that?

We have really played with the world "abusive." It seems like everything is in that word now, but it really does not help people, especially those suffering from abuse.

Losing one's temper in a fraught situation, as a one off, does not qualify as abuse. Of course it can be frightening and intimidating, I am not debating that. But, it would need to be an on going thing that is used to get one's own way, and to control those around, to be abusiv, in my opinion.

It’s an indication that OP is under stress and possibly struggling. Social services are not always carrying a big stick. In these circumstances they can help, and it’ll give OP an opportunity to ask for a carers assessment for herself. Better now after an episode of throwing things around in temper, than waiting until further down the line when she’s overwhelmed and stressing herself into illness.

We don't know what happened. We weren't there. And I'd be upset if a friend reported me to authorities

But, I assume he had genuine concerns and felt obliged to report? I can't criticise him for that

Sorry you're going through a hard time

I think the important point you’re missing here is that this man is an ex social worker and a friend. And as a friend, I doubt whether he would report this unless he had serious concerns informed by his professional experience. For that reason I’m on the fence as to whether there is more to this than OP is admitting.

I don’t think this is a waste of social services time at all. Vulnerable elderly folk are involved here - one of whom is so disabled he’s bed bound. Having managed my own elderly mum’s care at home I understand how frustrating and stressful it can be at times, but there is no excuse for losing your temper to the extent that you are throwing things around. It sounds like OP is in need of support and to that end maybe social services involvement is a good thing as they will recognise the stresses involved and it will give OP an opportunity to request a carers assessment for herself, to make sure her needs are taken into account.

An ex professional technically has the position of a private citizen and would be legally allowed to make an anonymous report, or to request anonymity if they do disclose their details - in those circumstances the social worker should/would not have disclosed it voluntarily. For that reason I’m a bit sceptical and I certainly think there’s more to this than OP has disclosed.

It’s far more likely that, as you say, OP has sussed out that the friend is the one who has reported, especially if they were one of only a few people outside the family who knew about it.

I think it’s worth pointing out though, that anonymity can’t always be guaranteed. If whatever has been reported is subsequently deemed to be a criminal offence and it’s deemed critical to the proceedings, a judge has the power to issue a court order forcing the informant’s details to be disclosed.

Hopefully that will be the case

Deep breath

He did what he did, maybe he had to. Professional ethics etc. You may even get more support because of it

Now you and your mum have a new baseline for your arguments. Both of you have had a shock, adding to your anticipatory grief. You both need to learn that lesson and, with the best will in the world, your perspective, that their relationship wasn't always the best, has to be parked now.

Sounds like your mum will continue to plink her retired Professional Head over the tip of her panic and grief. You might have to be the adult for a while

Best of luck ❤️

Yes. It sounds like a difficult and stressful situation all round.

So maybe the friend's report will result in a review of the support they are receiving and actually need.

This is why people in desperate need aren't getting the help they're supposed to-because they're wasting time like this. When you've actually lost someone who was being battered, and social services didn't intervene, it makes it worse knowing they're wasting time like this.
Your mum was probably working when nearly 200 hundred children were removed from their homes because their parents were falsely accused of abuse-the name Higgs probably still resonates with her, and I don't blame her being terrified by this. Obviously you shouldn't have shouted/thrown things, but it's hard to be a saint dealing with elder care in the UK.
Just like when someone kills another person/themselves when waiting for help from mental health services, and they're clogged up with someone seeking an ADHD diagnosis on a whim (yes, I've known people do this, and no, I'm obviously not saying there aren't people genuinely suffering from ADHD who do need treatment for that).

Your friend may have felt obliged to report.

Honestly I would cool things down with him and stop confiding in him for the time being.

That said, I would use this as an opportunity to address what’s been going on and think about a plan going forward to ensure that you don’t end up getting this angry again. It’s horrible looking after elderly relatives, I know from experience, but nothing should ever be so bad that you end up losing your temper this badly and throwing things around. Maybe you need to leave your mum to it and only help when asked/ take a step back? Use this experience as a “near miss”.

If he reported it to social services why did the police get involved, wouldn't ss try and investigate first?