Friend reported me to Social Services

A lesson to never trust male friends they will throw you under the bus in a second. I don't think throwing something around the room and not at the parent is abusive if it happened one time. It would be different if you were throwing things at them

The social worker mate is probably not keen on Op anymore either.

Were you violent to your parents?

I take your point, but in this case, the op presented it as a one off explosive row. which I could understand under the circumstances.

I was thinking the same.
Maybe op should look a little closer to home.

Frightening people via aggressive behaviour is assault, though. It's part of the definition.

What would you think of an ex-social worker who didn't report an assault on a vulnerable person?

They probably didn't want to be in that situation, but how could they have ignored it?

Cut him out of your life. You lost your temper, you made it up with your mother and we are moving forward together caring for your father. Unless you did something much worse than you outline, I think your ‘friend’ has completely overreacted.

Unlike many on this thread, I have lost my temper, I have apologised and I have moved on. At no point have I assaulted anyone but I have thrown things (not at anyone and involving dirty clothes on a teens floor!!)

Circles of support!
Remember the rules venting an crap can move outwards. But nothing but love and suppprt flows inwsrds.
Your mum as spouse can dump on yoi but you just have yo suck it up and support.shouting and throwing things around a dying man and his 90 year old spouse is not a good look.i am not surprised he reported you!

What a weird thing for him to do. If you literally admitted to assaulting or abusing them then fair enough, but all you did was throw something in frustration!

For those saying the friend shouldn't have reported, or should have tried to intervene and help, or spoken to the OP first, it depends on how worried they were about the level of risk to the parents.
Regardless of how sympathetic one can be to the OP, how hard their position is or what their intentions were, if the friend thought the risk was high they would be failing to safeguard if they delayed reporting to try and fix things themselves. Especially if by the sounds of it, the OP is providing a high level of care (nursing him in bed sounds like it would be multiple times a day?) It would be different if the OP only saw them occasionally and there was more time to consider things.
I'm not suggesting the OP in any way intended to hurt her parents. That doesn't change that they both are extremely vulnerable and could potentially be hurt even if there is no intention from the OP to do so.

Yep, just ducking or trying to move quickly away could injure someone in their 90s

I think it is probably the police that have disclosed the ‘accuser’ as that is a principal right of the accused.

Regarding contacting the friend if they are a witness and if the police are taking things further this shouldn’t happen…speaking to a witness I mean.

I don't think its fair to be angry at your friend. They reported something that truthfully happened. I think I might also feel obligated to report if someone was under an amount of stress that had ended with them "throwing things around" in front of vulnerable people they are caring for.

I'm not saying it isn't understandable to be pushed to the edge, but everyone has a role in safeguarding.

I’m not elderly but I am disabled.

having an able bodied person angry at you and throwing things is genuinely terrifying.

i can’t run out of the way, I can’t easily move, I’m a sitting duck for their anger.

obviously we do not know if the op was throwing things at people or near people but if this is what happened it is scary.

yes, being a carer is hard. But if someone isn’t coping to the point of throwing things then that does need to be looked at.

Omg what you and your mum have been through is horrific and at a time like this, you do not need this parasitic excuse for a friend to interfere.

Instead, they have betrayed you in the most brutal way, leaving you and your family horrified at an extremly vulnerable time.

Be extremly careful what you tell this loser in future, as they lack the judgement to be of any help to you right now.

So, if your husband got angry and started throwing stuff around, that's not domestic abuse?

What OP has done is abusive. Whether there are other things, or whether this was a one off due excessive carer stress is currently undetermined. If the latter, nothing will happen beyond an offer of support.

I'm surprised SS told you who referred it to be honest.

Your friend was in a really tricky position.

I can totally understand why they did it but also why you may feel you cannot continue the friendship.

If they're still a registered social worker (many people keep up their registration when not in work) it's a grey area. But regardless of that, unless the friend specifically asked for anonymity, if the OP asked who referred they would be told.
Most ex professionals are used to dealing with the fall out of referrals so it's quite possible they didn't ask for anonymity, and it isn't something that people are particularly encouraged to do by those taking the referral unless there's concern about the referrers vulnerability.

What's your friend supposed to do? You described a situation which sounded seriously concerning. Is he meant to ignore a potential safeguarding issue just because it's you and not a stranger?

Help?

I'd be giving your mother and the 'friend' a wide berth. Being 90 doesn't excuse her from yelling at you either.

I'd step back. Let her and social services arrange care and visit as a daughter for a while- not as a carer

Feels like this.

Until someone has been caring for others, it's easy to judge. It's tough caring for people @RainbowPeppercorns I'd answer the questions honestly and the same with your mother and very unlikely to go anywhere if not physical harm was done and no history of harm.

Your friend was shit as his job, obviously.

No understanding of human emotion, empathy of dealing with parents in this situation, the very very real stress, sadness of it, and well, frankly it's hell to walk in your shoes.

I think throwing some things around is totally understandable in this situation even if it's not the right thing to do - that's so easy to say when not in the thick of it and typing on a keyboard as far removed as possible.. He was a total knob to report you. A good friend would've seen what stress you were under and offered to help you instead.

It’s abuse because it has an intimidating effect and worrying behaviour for anyone who cares about safeguarding

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong. You told him about an incident where you and your mother were shouting and screaming at each other, and which culminated in you throwing things. That's pretty serious in a household where two people are in their 90s and one is dying. It's not necessarily suggesting that you're abusive, but it does strongly suggest that the current care arrangements are untenable, so Social Services' involvement is appropriate.

Of course your mum is mortified, and if she doesn't think anything's wrong, she can explain all that to Social Services and assuming she has the mental capacity to advocate for herself (which it sounds like she certainly does) they will listen to her.

What's your friend supposed to do? You described a situation which sounded seriously concerning. Is he meant to ignore a potential safeguarding issue just because it's you and not a stranger?

I really, really feel for you op. My elderly mum has Alzheimer’s which is now very advanced and I’ve been helping to care for her over the last 8 years, I have a prickly relationship with my father and there have been times when I have wanted to go absolutely ape at him and the whole horrid situation which seems to have dragged on for an eternity.

The social workers who have come to see us have been nothing but totally understanding and full of empathy, they know just how stressful caring for elderly and unwell parents can be. If your friend has any kind of understanding of what you are going through (and he should have based on his profession), he would have talked to you first before going behind your back…..sorry but imo he is no friend of yours and just adding to the stress he knows you are already under.

This man is not your friend. If he had concerns he should have spoken to you directly first before going to social services.
Looking after someone who is terminally ill at home is very stressful on all involved and it can take a huge toll on family members.
In future, be very careful who you confide in as it would appear you cant trust anybody these days.
He should have got more information from both you and your mother before going to the authorities. He needs to be cut out of your life.