Friend reported me to Social Services

Ogs, so dramatic!
Or to be fair could actually be a one off?!

The ones who are on good drugs - or never done it!

Only you know went on OP. And your mum of course. I think your friend felt he had to report. I understand that. However if I was you I think my immediate reaction would be that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

What is more likely to happen is that OP's father will be shunted off to a care home or hospital, depending on the current nursing needs, and live out his final days on a noisy NHS ward, OP's mother will have to soldier on alone and OP will be out of the picture entirely. If her so called friend felt that OP was at breaking point it would have been more useful and constructive to have simply helped her to arrange extra care cover so that she could have some respite from the caring burden. I know from personal experience that it never pays to have any involvement from SS who will simply do whatever is easiest and cheapest rather than what's best. This could all go to shit very quickly now.

I would hate to have friends like this.

Not even a stern: ‘This really isn't ok, this is something I’d report, you need to get help because I’m starting to feel conflicted’, if they were genuinely concerned.

Throwing stuff ‘around’ isn't great but even shouting can be considered abusive. Has anyone here never shouted? Proportionality and tact exists!

Not sure who you're aiming that at, as you won't quote anyone, but I'm in the category you describe. I had my "meltdowns" in private. Never ever in front of my mum. With her dementia it would have terrified her. She literally turned into a child, mentally.

Feeling something, and acting it out in front of a very vulnerable person, are two very different things.

I still support the op as I know how horrific it is to care for ill parents.

Two parents in their nineties, a terminal diagnosis for one of them , she’s been a carer for years , I hope the social services can offer your parents more support , no wonder you snapped maybe your friend thought he would be helping you in a very difficult situation , let’s hope you all get some extra support to enable you to be a loving daughter to your dad and not solely his carer in the time he has left . 🩷

If it is just normal extreme stress of dealing with eldery and very ill parents - the HCP will have seen it before and may offer additional support.

Though I agree eldery parents board is a really good place to post and vent when needed.

I can see why OP is upset though - I vented to some friends after a bad week with young kids of extranous stuff - illness wider family being shit and event being organised by me - and got some good advice but a children center staff member who'd just been on course and was apparenly listening in decide it meant I wasn't coping and then had HV doing unannouned drop in at terrible time for me and kids - but said we had to see her there and then or it would go to SS - no help just questions. I was very careful was was said and where after that.

It can be seen as abusive. Both having dealt with two parents, with dementia, etc, it’s not easy.

What's he lied about?

Being with someone who is angry and throwing things could be very frightening. It is abusive behaviour - even worse when the other people are vulnerable eg elderly(90's!!) ill or a child.

You're presuming she threw anything at her mum and judging her on something that you don't know happened.

I just didn't think she described an assault. Is throwing something but not at a person assault? If it is then they should report it but I just didn't think it was.

I can’t believe some of the sanctimonious replies on here. Caring for a dying person is awful - both you and your mother are under huge stress. As far as I understand the current state of play an army of carers isn’t suddenly going to step out of the wings. Take care of yourself and bin the ‘friend’.

but in this case, the op presented it as a one off explosive row.

which to be fair is exactly how instances of chronically unsafe caregiving will usually appear at first.

Who are all these saints who have looked after much loved dying parents, coping with all the horrors of terminal illness and the general inadequacy of the support available (non-existent in many cases) and never once had a small melt down?

Except no-one is piling onto the OP.

Some think it was the right call and others think it wasn't.

Literally there is no pile on, most posters are saying no big deal, sack the mate off, some think the mate did the right thing. A mix of opinions.

I'm genuinely shocked by the number of posters who believe that reporting concerns about abuse is "grassing" or that potential abuse should be ignored if the person is under enough stress.

Yes, it's understandable the op was under stress. People do things that aren't ideal sometimes. It almost certainly won't be taken forwards.

But none of that means it shouldn't have been reported.

I honestly think anyone who wouldn't report potential abuse if it was from a friend lacks integrity.

Everyone needs to stop piling on to the op.

She has stated this was a one off incident. It’s obvious from the replies that many posting on here have zero idea the strain caring for elderly and unwell parents places on a carer’s wellbeing. Paid carers get training, a weekly wage, holiday leave, sick pay etc. Caring for a parent is non-stop stress, there is little to no support for family carers and sometimes….just sometimes we crack. That’s not an excuse for any kind of abuse but it’s fairly obvious from the op that she is not abusing her parents.

Op, you may find more helpful replies if you have this moved over to the elderly parents board.

If i was in your situation , i would NOT forgive them and block them . He must know that you were under tremendous stress and at your wit's end! Maybe if he mentioned if you carry on with your attitude he would report you to authorities!! i could accept but to "grass you in " is UNFORGIVABLE creating MORE stress & conflict with your mum HOPE you relationship with your mum get's strong and face the future WITHOUT friends like him!!!

I’m sorry you have been let down by a friend, but it might have a sliver lining of getting you more help with your Mum and Dad. If you’ve had a big row once it could happen again, the pressure can be a lot. I understand why your friend made the referral, your Dad is really the vulnerable one and needs a calm, stable environment. It hurts when a friend betrays a confidence, its a tough one if he has seen things go from bad to worse in his job though, he has probably seen terrible situations arise from what seemed normal at first and has a different perspective.

The only one who remotely sounds dangerous is op throwing things around in anger. This is not what people normally do especially not around children or the elderly. This could have felt very threatening to OP's parents.

I cared for my mother when she simultaneously had cancer and dementia. I still shudder when I think back to that time in my life. My siblings helped, but both had other things going on (recent childbirth / working abroad). I'd also just been made redundant so I was very low.

I decided I was never going to lose my rag or punish my mum (even in my own head) at any point, as the old/lucid her would have been horrified at what happened to her. She always joked we were to push her off a cliff if she ever lost her marbles, as she put it.

It's a shame, op, that you threw things around as it must have been so scary for your parents but I do understand the stress and depression that caring causes.

I'm sorry your friend didn't feel able to approach you first and just went straight to the authorities, causing everyone a lot more aggro.

Your friend is a complete do-gooder, an attention starved and irrelevant jerk, a lying manipulator and a narc. Friends are for trusting, not tattling.