Friend reported me to Social Services

He did. He’s protected two very vulnerable elderly people, one of whom is dying. The fact that OP has lost it to the point of throwing things around is an indication that she needs support. Social services will organise a carers assessment for her to assess her needs in that role. OP is saving the state a lot of money by acting as a carer for her dad - they will have that in mind so support will be the intention. I have doubts that OP is telling us the entire truth, given that the police are investigating.

Yes. I would consider anyone who had needed a carer for many years, to be vulnerable - even a cantankerous arguementative parent. You don't suddenly stop being vulnerable because you pick a fight. I'm not saying that OP was abusive, but I don't think her friend behaved unreasonably either by raising concerns. Rows happen of course, but OP also said things were thrown, and depending on what these were, maybe that gave cause for concern.

Hmmm, 7 pages in and OP hasn't come back since 11...

OP I think you need to own your part in this. You knew your friend was a retired social worker. Surely you knew there was a limit to what you should sensibly share with him without putting yourselves both in a sticky situation. Tbh I think your friend should have interrupted you to let you know that what you were sharing was bordering on reportable. Maybe it all happened too fast or maybe he reflected only later on the info you shared, or took advice from a third party.

The focus has to now be your poorly dad and I would avoid said friend and remove the possibility of any more disagreement/conflict as you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with it now.

Yes, he did. However he should also have told her before she started to confide that if he was concerned he would have to report it! It’s a standard statement used by anyone who suspects there maybe abuse!

It really depends on- when we are knee deep in horrible circumstances it becomes our normal and a step downwards that gets fixed is seen as a glitch wheras(and I hate saying this), how does he really know that he won’t see a news report of how you lost it and went a step further? The world must be full of people who woke to a news report and thought ‘I could have done something’. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though

In the UK, retired social workers have no more legal duty of care requirement than any other citizen. They may have "run off" responsibility for clients they worked with while they were still practicing. They may still have aspects of duty of care if they have remained on the register and kept up their CPA after ceasing to be employed.

I could not trust this man or consider him a friend.

Retired NHS Occupational Therapist who worked closely with Social Services.

But that's at least partly for the person who's allegedly being assaulted to make that decision isn't it? Were they intimidated or frightened? Did the guy ask them how it made them feel before reporting OP?

Not unless it makes a person feel fear.

"Unless ive missed something OP lost her temper and threw stuff around, not threw stuff at her mum. How is that abusive?"

If a poster says her partner or husband is throwing objects around in a temper people will say if "someone shows who they are believe them" or "it might be you or the kids next"...

Age isn't the whole measure of being vulnerable. From what I can understand the mum has never had an issue in being a strong woman and she was shouting at the OP.

Is she automatically the victim because of her age?

There are some people 😬 but that’s not the topic of this thread!

This would be the sensible approach - and as a social worker, he should have known that you should always tell someone (if possible) if you are going to make a safeguarding referral. Being contacted out of the blue, can often make things worse

He said this, but he wasn't there. The OP's mum was there so presumably will tell SS that she wasn't violent at all. I was in safeguarding training last week and according to definitions, throwing stuff around a room is probably considered violence. The thresholds are lower when a person has increased vulnerability.

Depends if he was angry at you or angry at something else in his life. That can make a difference to how intimidating it feels in the moment. If it’s anger at you, the throwing and banging stuff is you by proxy. That’s what makes it scary. At any point they can switch to you. It’s not fun when it’s anger about something/someone else either but it’s less intense somehow. I speak from experience.

Sorry to hear this, OP. It does sound like you and your mum need support so maybe what this reporting will do is get you that. Throwing stuff around, whilst not at someone, it contributed to a tense/negative environment and can be considered abusive behaviour. It doesn’t make you a bad person but I think it shows you’re under a great deal of stress and you deserve support - you’re going through a very stressful and difficult time. Your mum needs support too. Hugs OP 🤗

Yep. That’s the definition of assault - an act that intentionally or recklessly causes another person to fear immediate, harm or unlawful violence.

Throwing stuff around is abusive behaviour.

Are you in your 90’s ? Was there a vulnerable bed bound terminally ill man in the house at the time ? If not, it’s not the same situation. If this man has involved social services then clearly something in his professional experience has informed that decision. And if social services have involved the police, there is potentially more to this than OP is admitting to. It’s not so much the behaviour that’s the problem, it’s what it signifies - that the person is stressed and in need of support.

I had social services involvement when I was looking after mum at home and things got very difficult. They were empathetic and immensely helpful. Like myself, OP is providing care which keeps her relative out of the already broken care system so they were happy to support to keep it that way.

Sadly a lot of men don't understand stressful and tiring caring duties women have to do completely unpaid as the sandwich generation. In his male mind he didn't understand your stress and fixated on shouting and throwing things rather than understanding you were pushed to your limit in a high stress situation and offering support.

As others said I would remove him from your circle as he clearly hasn't been helpful in said stressful situation and get support from a carers network. It sounds as though you could use help and if social services come back you can show them what you have done to help your situation.

You are very naive if you think the SS will provide any actual help - it's far more likely that they'll make a difficult situation a million times worse!

My partner once threw a remote control across the room, as it wasn't working.

Was that abusive behaviour? I'd like to know because I was in the room and it was done in front of me... I asked him what was up, nothing he said, it was just a pissed-off thing. So I then told him he was a childish chump and don't do it again. Would it only be acceptable if he lost his rag with something when I wasn't in the room?

It's about putting things into balance and stop us all filling in the gaps. This may well be the first time the OP has ever thrown anything and she did so because her mother was shouting at her and it was just the straw that broke the camels back by the sounds of things, momentarily. If the behaviour continues going forward then there is a real problem. IF.

Look at it another way (and I am not for a second suggesting this is the op's situation).

But if a vulnerable person was harmed by an abusive carer, would you feel that someone who knew about the abuse when it was ongoing have done enough by "having a stern word" with the abuser and telling no one? I wouldn't.

It is always right to report a safeguarding concern imo.

If it intimidates or frightens them, it is assault.