Friend reported me to Social Services

I have actually made a safeguarding report a few years ago. It was a close relative who hit their children with a wooden spoon to punish often very trivial things. The bankrupt Council had no interest, made every excuse to justify it and close the case. Pillar of the community types and seen as cultural. No interest.

Having said that, I’d not report a friend who confused in me thay they struggled, smacked their child, threw a toy and felt awful etc.

It obviously depends on the exact circumstances but how on earth are people supposed to seek support if they’re terrified of being reported? I can’t fathom not offering help/suggestions (like self-referral) to a friend or family member first, especially if you’re a trained social worker.

Social services might close the case with no or minimal intervention, or you could be dragged through police, courts, separated from children. Things don’t always have to be black and white.

This. MN is full of people who expect perfection. You see it all the time. If I was at rock bottom, I'd certainly never come here for support.

OP - I wouldn't share anything with your friend (or anyone else). You just never know who has your best interests at heart. If anything escalates, your mum and dad won't have you for support at all, and I'm sure that will be more damaging.

Op, are you coming back?

Other posters have actually used tge term “legally obliged”

I am focussed on it because others have said thst he is legally obligated because of previous employment, that basically he “could not have done anything else”

Absolutely and where would social services be then? They'd have to do the caring or organise it. OP I think you should massively scale back your support and be honest with SS about what assistance your parents need, that you can't provide. I run my own support business in Australia and Age Care pays for carers/nurses/cleaners to come into the home and do what you have been doing. You are in carer stress and need some help. England must have age care services in the home? Perhaps SS can do the referrals and sort this out for you.

What did you throw OP? A bit of laundry thrown on sofa different to throwing plates.

Absolutely this. There is something odd going on here

How about morally obligated?

Very few people are legally obligated to report abuse they witness or hear about, but I've always assumed most people still would report it if they saw a kid or a vulnerable person being hurt.

They are you so focused on legal obligation? Just because you can ignore someone being abused, doesn't mean you should.

A safeguarding report does not need evidence, you are reporting that you are concerned.

It's reasonable to be concerned that elderly and vulnerable people might be intimidated by their carer shouting and throwing things, I think.

He could have told op that he will be reporting her.

I really hope the op gets some support..

It is relentless caring for people with terminal illnesses in their 90s, where it sounds as though she's already done it for some years.

This is often characterised by very little sleep, continual being 'on duty', very little time off, and also having all the issues of caring for parents, which is completely different to professionally caring for someone else (when you can go home at the end of a shift).

It IS relentless. Additionally, in the mix, you have a professional woman who is also extremely elderly, who is worried about her husband and, no doubt, about her own health and her child's ability to cope.

Also, family carers are often characterised as being 'at fault', when it is purely the result of normal family relationships within a pressure cooker-like environment.

I hope OP gets some help and also some urgent respite.

Would the mum have had some fear? Or would she have seen someone (her daughter) have an almighty strop?

Without the OP telling us her mum was scared it is unfair to think of this as abuse without fact. Am not keen on filling in the gaps with 'what if's'.

Your 'friend' is an absolute c*nt.

You’re being a pedant. When posters are saying obliged, they don’t necessarily mean the man will get in trouble legally if he does not. “Obliged” could totally apply to his morals too. You have researched the dictionary definition of obliged?

Spidey senses or not, people who say that he is obliged to report it or has s legal obligation to do so are plain wrong. I too have worked in the public sector, Nhs community elderly rehab and care, and have had the training. As I have slready posted, legal obligation ends when employment ends unless you maintain your registration and CPD which is difficult snd expensive once retired.

We probably don’t have all of the information. I sincerely hope that the dying man didn’t witness the throwing episode.

I would have reported you too OP

sure. But just because he may not be in the profession now, it doesn’t mean he’s forgotten his safeguarding training. In public sector roles, you generally get best practice drilled into you, it’s not a hat you immediately take off when leaving. I have worked in a few public sector organisations and there’s certain knowledge that you gather about internal processes, which tends to stay with you. I might not think about the day to day business as usual things anymore, but my spidey senses definitely go off if something doesn’t feel right for more serious things

I reported the horrific treatment of a toddler when I was a HCP. Social services absolutely told them who had reported them and they turned up at my hospital workplace screaming abuse.
Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely, but you do need to think through the consequences.

It’s a stressful situation for you for sure, but I don’t blame him for reporting you. He wasn’t there, he didn’t witness it personally and he is erring on the side of caution to protect vulnerable people. If there were more people like him, it might reduce the amount of abuse towards the sorts of vulnerable people that social workers come into contact with

so I’m not saying you yourself are this awful abuser, I’m just saying that the system working as intended is for the better good of everyone. And although it’s stressful for you, just try to see it as everyone wanting to make sure your parents are ok and that you’re supported

Have not read the full thread as OP hasn't replied so on the slight chance it's real and they are watching

Wouldn't you do the same?

Friendships and safe guarding vulnerable people is not the same thing. They don't have to go hand in hand. You can love someone to your bones but if you think they are doing a bad thing it's okay to speak out.

Would you sit back and watch your friend say how they smacked their child and threw their toys and think, yeah been there I've totally wanted to do that before - or think, yo, we've thought it but we haven't done it? This might not be okay.

They know you better than we do so they either know you've reached a limit, or this is generally your behavior and honestly sometimes even though no one wants to admit it, abusive people do get more and more comfortable in their stories and speaking it out loud. Not saying it's you, but your friend will know better than we do.

You honestly think SS is going to help?!
We've had SS on board with elderly care - it's not helpful bar a few grab bars and bed risers.
And no, I wouldn't fill in the gaps with my imagination over the police.

@RainbowPeppercorns were you violent OP? Your dm said she didn’t want you prosecuted not that you weren’t violent. Your friend seems to think you were.

If you were, and you told your friend, he has a duty to report you.

If you weren’t, ask him why.