When to go along with things that aren’t true

It's so difficult. My parents had a very good marriage, they worshipped each other. So when my mother started telling anyone who listened that Dad was attacking her with a knife when no one was around, I couldn't help correcting her because it killed my poor Dad every time.

Yes I agree, the OP is obviously right and her DH wrong but there's no need to put the worst possible spin on it. It's really upsetting and confusing seeing this happen, and it's not that easy to know what to do when you're not an expert. For instance it may seem obvious from the detachment of a computer screen to not tell someone their relative has died, but when they're in this middling stage where they are sometimes confused and sometimes quite with it, there is that temptation to 'bring them back' or correct them. For instance my relative with dementia went through a very sad phase of thinking any young-ish man who visited her was her (long dead) husband and any middle aged man was her father (obviously even longer dead). Especially for the youngsters it was awkward and embarrassing and of course tempting to say I'm not your husband, which would inevitably lead to upset and questions about where he was then and when would he visit. No-one wanted to frighten or upset her but you have to acknowledge how difficult and upsetting that is to have your grandma think you're her husband and start quizzing you on where you've been and where you're up to.

What we did was a variant of joining her in her world, we didn't necessarily either agree or play along with the roles she'd assigned us but nor did we argue, we'd just try and distract rather than making things up (as also alarmingly every so often she'd have a sudden burst of lucidity and work out she was being lied to and get very upset). So if it was '[DH], you've finally come to visit me!' to her grandson, he'd say 'Hi, how are you, shall we go for a walk' or if it was 'Hello Daddy, have you come to take me home?' we'd say 'not yet, we have to wait a while, would you like to look at these photos' - photos or newspapers or other artifacts were particularly helpful seemingly at gently bringing her back to present day without upsetting her...

the thing is she may never mention Albert ever again. its obviously a treasured memory has crossed her mind so its lovely to let her be there.
my late fil used to go back to work in his mind. we explained to the staff that when he would shout out the same name this was the man who he worked with, that used to help him top up tanks. all a part of his job. for him he was back in the factory and this man was there with him. if you think about it a lot of his life was spent at work so not that odd that he went back there

My parent is constantly flip flopping from one reality to another. So if they talk about seeing a (long departed) relative or pet recently, I just go along with it. However, a few minutes later they say 'oh they aren't with us any more are they'. So then I feel caught out! I was only trying to be kind by going along with things! 😩

Much as I hated Margaret Thatcher, it was reported that she experienced fresh, harsh grief, during her dementia, everytime she was told Dennis had died years before. That's no way to live, and if you can avoid that, which you can't, always, I think that is the most humane thing to do.
It's not as if she is going to retain the information that Albert has, actually died?
By telling her, everytime, you are actively causing her distress. Why would you do that?
I agree with your stance, OP

Bear in mind also that it’s always easier if it’s an in-law or similar. For you/others, it’s a choice to enter their world, validate their reality, etc. For your DH, there’s a much stronger emotional hit to come to terms with - he’s losing his mum in a slow drawn out way. No one automatically knows how to deal with this, so it’s a learning process for him.

If you think about the physical strain of hearing really upsetting news, just what it does to your body in that moment, and imagine going through that several times a day, I think it’s much much kinder to not put them through that. I would absolutely go along with them, no point and actually unkind to be correcting then

Just agree it won"t get any better, you might find she "visits" her mother or talk about how she was in town earlier , i go with my mum to visit her sibling, in their care home, and the conversations are heartbreaking really,but you just have to go along with it,

.

It's so sad isn't it.
As most PP have said, your approach is right. It's about trying to keep their distress and confusion to a minimum.
My FIL really struggled with this with his wife - constantly correcting her and getting frustrated with her. It was so uncomfortable to watch. My young teenage son was able to just sit with her and answer what he did for Christmas time and time and time again. We weren't living with it day to day as FIL was and I guess it's easier to dig in to your stores of patience when it's just for a couple of hours.

I am experiencing similar with my Aunt at the moment. I try and organise to do things together rather than sit and talk.

How horrid. The OP’s dh is suffering too. Of course he’ll come to accept the situation, especially if it goes on for years. But having seen dh getting very upset and trying to stick his head in the sand I can see things from the point of view of a “child” experiencing a parent’s worsening dementia.

We always went along with it but never indulged. Nobody wants to be told someone has died over and over again but I wouldn’t ask questions either just a quick ‘oh did he’ when she talks about her brother visiting. We also just gave generic answers when asked ‘when’s mum coming back’ we’d reply ‘not sure’ or ‘soon’ rather than have it take up lots of time. It’s an awful disease, wishing you luck with everything.

A photo book including all the key family members and their names might be helpful for her.

Your approach is right. Go along with it but don’t encourage it. So, if she says that Albert visited, say that’s nice - as you did - and then move on with the conversation. Don’t start asking questions about what Albert said or did as it may cause just as much confusion as telling her Albert didn’t visit. It can be very hard to deal with which might be why your husband is finding it difficult. If he’s had to come terms with the loss of his uncle Albert then it might well be traumatic for him to have to “pretend” that his uncle still alive.

My dad used to say really odd stuff: that he’d been on a helicopter ride or he’d met the prime minister. We eventually worked out that he would see something on TV and then think that it had happened to him.

My Mum with advanced dementia in a care home used to say she was “ going home on Tuesday” or say she didn’t know what her DH was watching as she had the telly. My Dad had been dead years.
I just went along with what she said or she’d have been distressed.
My brother used to correct her. Just torture being told every day that you aren’t going home or your husband is dead.

Towards the end she used to say her Mum had her tea ready or was waiting for her. My Grandma had been dead over 30 years but it gave her comfort.

Sounds like you are being kind and considerate.

Obviously he doesn't want to frighten or hurt her! He's probably uncomfortable with being dishonest, and worried about adding to her confusion further by agreeing with things that aren't true.

Absolutely you are approaching this correctly OP. This is the recommended advice, to enter into their reality.

You don't go and fabricate a big story, but just like you did, you just non-committally go along with what they're saying, then see if you can change the subject.

There are books about this.

I cared for my parent with alzheimers at home until they died. We entered their reality. So if they spoke about their (long-dead) mum we never said ‘she’s dead’, we’d say things like ‘oh your mum liked tea? Shall we have a cup?’ Etc. I also never, ever showed how much it hurt that they didn’t know me.

Obviously this was before the final non-verbal years.

I follow the same approach with patients. Nothing is gained, absolutely nothing, by forcing the truth on them. It only hurts them.

I think your approach is right; why cause unnecessary upset time and time again?

Alzheimer’s website says-
As dementia progresses, a person loses more of their
memories. This can change how they experience
what’s going on around them and can cause confusion.
For example, someone might talk about wanting to see
a family member who died a long time ago, or they may
think they need to go to work.
Instead of trying to correct the person, think about their
needs or feelings. For example, if they are talking about
needing to ‘go home’, they may be feeling uncomfortable
or distressed. Reassure them that they are safe, and try to
work out what would help them feel more comfortable.

Alzheimer’s .org.uk website-
They have loads of guides, you’d have to browse a bit. You’d be looking for ones on memory and communication. Each leaflet contains links to others so it’s fairly easy to find useful information.

No point correcting her. It could cause distress, confusion or embarrassment for her and wont make a difference anyway because she won’t remember being corrected. I know it’s hard going along with confabulations and making conversation with someone who suffers with dementia though. It’s a shitty situation for everyone concerned

I'm pretty sure the recommended approach is to validate their reality not argue with it. Feelings matter more than facts.
If you insist on telling her Albert is dead you'll have to break the bad news every time you speak to her.

I have learned to go along with things my Dad says relating to people. It is nice to know he is remembering people and naming them as couples etc even though most of them are long dead. If anything it gives him control of the conversation as he says things like ‘ I went to see Bob and Mary on Tuesday’ ( both dead) so I then say ‘oh how lovely Dad how are they and how did you get there’. He then usually says something like ’oh they are ok and I got the number 19 bus from X’ . For me it means he is thinking about nice times in his head so a relief from the reality of anything unpleasant.

My Dad also talks a lot about work and meetings he has to go to. Even though he has been retired for nearly 30 years. Lots of talk about meeting union reps - which he did.

However you must do what feels right for you.

Early on in my mum's dementia I referred to a relative that had died and my mum reacted with shock as, to her, she was hearing the news for the first time. I felt bad as though I had been cruel to her. From then on when she asked about people who had died I would say something like 'I've not seen them today' which meant I didn't have to lie. That approach sat better with me.