When to go along with things that aren’t true

In that situation, I would probably tell them that their loved one was coming later.
If the level of their confusion and distress is as such, then a brief "I think they're coming later" will hopefully reduce their distress. Then move onto something else. I find reading aloud soothing for both parties.

Yes, you should go along with it. This doesn't need to mean getting involved in elaborate lies- just "how nice" and move on if that feels more comfortable, or respond with something related but not building on the falsity eg "Albert visited yesterday" "How nice, were you two close as children?"

Correcting someone does nothing to slow the progress of the disease (and even if it did, to what end?) I wonder whether there may be a bit of denial on your husband's part as obviously it is hard for him to see his mother like this.

DF was devastated when his brother was killed in a plane crash at 21. In his last months he thought that my grandson was his brother and he was so happy and excited to see him. It gave us all joy and there's no way we would have burst his bubble of happiness.

I find “lying” to my mum incredibly difficult but I know the advice is to join them in their world if you can, because they can no longer be with you in the real world. It’s very hard though, I feel for your husband. Maybe he could be non committal and say things like gosh, I haven’t seen him in such a long time, and move the conversation on?

I don’t have experience, but I would guess the only time you’d tell them a person has died is if they’re repeatedly asking and getting distressed about someone they expect to be visiting them.

I go along with it too. My dad has dementia and cancer and is convinced that he's going to get better soon. I just nod along and sound encouraging.

I’ve always gone along with it unless it’s unkind and worrying. So ‘my brother Albert came in today and hit me with a stick’ I would not go along with - I’d try and ascertain if anything concerning had happened.

But the ‘I’m going to the Maldives tomorrow on my private yacht with Brad Pitt’ I just say things like ‘that sounds wonderful. I bet a lot of people would be very envious’

Of course the OP is right, but I feel some posters have been very unsympathetic to the dh (and it is his dm) or quite pompous: “expert advice is…”

We all know best practice in all manner of situations, but when you’re actually in the thick of it those pesky things called emotions can throw a spanner in the works.

All correcting does is cause pain and distress in someone with alzheimers/dementia.

Everything I've ever read is to agree and redirect.

"Oh did he, how lovely, shall we have a cup of tea mum?"

Your approach is the right one.

I am guessing your DH thinks he can slow down the deterioration by correcting his mum, but I’m not sure that’s the right approach. My mum was absolutely grief stricken when my DF reminded her that her own mother was dead (50 years previously!) he never did it again.

Teepa Snow is an American specialist in dealing with dementia sufferers, and has a brilliant YouTube channel with some fantastic advice, which we found incredibly useful when we were dealing with this.

It so hard and you feel dishonest, but not disagreeing and changing the subject is considered best practice nowadays

The only time I did not go along with my Dad's flights of fancy was when he was really, really angry with my mam for not visiting him, said she was probably off with her 'fancy man'.
My mam had died 5 years ago, and they were totally devoted to each other.
In that case, I decided that telling him gently that mam had died, and talking about him caring for her right until the end was kinder, even though it did upset him.

Otherwise, I just agreed with everything he said😁

Some of DM's flights of fancy can be quite entertaining. A trip to A&E became a trip to France on eurotunnel. Obviously had enjoyed the experience overall. DD had gone with her in the ambulance then DD and I sat with her and chatted through the long hours.

I told DCs not to visit DM once it became clear she was more likely to be distressed than soothed by their visits.

This is the cruelty of dementia. You grieve in reverse as you lose the memories before you lose the person.

The reason why adult children/partners sometimes find it difficult ‘go along’ with their parents/spouses in the throes of cognitive decline, is that they are desperate for their loved one to maintain a grip on reality, rather than them being deliberately cruel. It’s not the right approach, but understandable. It’s frightening when you start to realise that someone you love inhabits a completely different and seemingly bizarre world to that which you recognise.

Deep in this with DM (late stage vascular dementia). She now lives in a world populated by ghosts and imaginary people.

When I go into see her I always say my name to her. Sometimes it roots her for a little while but mostly it doesnt. We are now familiar strangers to each other.

I will talk about what her DGCs and DGGCs are up to but she doesnt recognise the names any more. I never asks if she remembers as I know she doesnt.

DB wanted to 'stem the tide' of dementia which only resulted in frustration for him and distress for her. Unfortunately he sees dementia as a weakness resulting from not trying hard enough.

I used to correct my mother, but mostly stopped when I realised that the same errors kept coming up. It wasn't to do with people being alive who had died, more the timing of dates and events (e.g. she would say that her mother only lived to 70, but in fact she was 90). It doesn't help them to tell them they are wrong, and they don't retain it anyway.

Dementia practitioners will tell you that it’s always best to go along with it, rather than reminding them (again and again) that someone has died. Like you say, you’re not going out of your way to say ‘Albert is coming to visit’, you’re just acknowledging what she’s said and then changing the subject. The reality is she might have seen someone who really did remind her of Albert and that might have brought up some lovely memories for her. Let her have those moments. ❤️

I’m really heartened by this thread and that it’s much more commonly understood that we should “enter into their world” I work with older people, many who have a dementia diagnosis, and see how much families struggle. You have relatives who are frustrated that their mum, dad etc is lying about things when in fact they are just talking about how things are in their world (or confabulating as they can’t remember the details). Recognising the emotion and responding to it is so important, as is making the person feel safe and secure.
Families really worry about going along with a “delusion” but that’s not what it is. To that person, it’s real. And how comforting at 85 to think your mum will be back from the shops soon to make your tea, or your favourite brother will be home soon from his holiday with a stick of rock?
I love that Cadbury advert with the father and daughter. Captures it perfectly.

There is a woman on the socials in her 20’s who cares for her grandmother who has dementia. She films their interactions. Her own Mother has died and the grandmother talks about her often. It’s lovely and heartwarming to watch how they interact and talk about her. I will try and find her as I can’t remember what she’s called.

You’re correct. Repeatedly telling her she’s wrong will only add to her confusion. There are plenty of YouTube videos available that address this very concern - maybe your DH would benefit from looking at a few?

Just say that’s lovely and move on. Don’t add to the delusion but don’t challenge it.

The trouble with this is, sometimes the person doesn't actually have any memories of the visit from the dead relative to tell (of course, because it didn't happen) and this in itself is upsetting and confusing for them when they try and recall - depends on the stage of the disease and the person's personality, they may just move on to telling you about something completely different or they may give you a detailed fantasy account rather than getting upset but personally unless she's clearly keen to tell me details I wouldn't go along with it to that extent, more do a mm hmm that's nice, what did you have for your dinner/watch on TV/shall we look at something else type of thing. I definitely wouldn't call out that the relative is dead and so couldn't have visited though, to be clear...

I'd say "Did he, (I'd loved to have seen him), tell me all about it"

Would it help to ask staff at the care home to have a discreet conversation with your FIL and your DH as they arrive for their visits but before they see MIL?

I'm sure they are well used to having to explain what is happening to visiting relatives. Some people at first do seem to feel the need to try and correct the patient's account of things at first, and may need it explained that doing so achieves nothing other than perhaps pointlessly distressing them (the patient).

Some people (maybe your DH and your FIL) do seem to be under the misapprehension that correcting the person will somehow slow down the progress of the disease. It won't of course, but that can need gentle but firm explanation from the professionals involved.