When to go along with things that aren’t true

I worked in care and I found that men have a hard time with this. Some women do too of course but I saw it so much more often in men.

Sorry haven't read all the replies. But I'm speaking from my own experience of having worked with and had family members with Alzheimers here. It is far better to go along with what they're saying. Repeating that someone has died isn't going to ever sink in and even though they won't remember it, you're causing temporary grief all over again each time they're told a loved one has passed away, however long ago. It's much kinder to let them have their moment of belief. There's no harm in that for me. It can also become frustrating and cause resentment in having to remind them that someone has gone.

I did some training through my work to become a ‘Dementia Friend’. I think it was provided by the Alzheimer’s Society.
Two things that really stuck:

1. Don’t keep reminding someone a loved one has died, each time you do it’s upsetting like the first time and
2. While they may not remember what you talked about when you spend time with them, they’ll remember how you made them feel.

@TheLostGardensOfElrond I did a workshop where you became a dementia friend. It was held at my library - have a look locally as councils and memory clinics can also run this type of event.

The key things I remembered were to try and face the person when you are talking to them. We also discussed not challenging the person and going along with their perception. I certainly do what you are doing and just nod along, I certainly haven’t told my Mum when family or friends die. She won’t remember and it will upset her.

My mum has dementia and it’s best to go along with what she says when she’s confused. Otherwise she gets upset and even more confused.

Been through this with my mum and currently going through with father in law. You just join them in dementia land . The only time I ever put them right is if they are really worrying about something.
My mother was convinced strangers had moved into her house. We talked it through but I never said she was talking rubbish. If they think someone who has died is still alive don’t tell them that their dad or husband has died as they will grieve over and over again.

I just went along with it. I was the only living relative but all our relatives (some who had died before I was born) would apparently visit her every week. It brought her comfort to believe that, and telling her they’d passed away wouldn’t have made any long term difference because she’d just forget again. I felt like the reasons for telling her would be my own - weirdness about not correcting her, guilt about lying, sadness about her condition, even a bit of upset that she’d forgotten my DM’s death - not for her own good

It's established advice to go along with it, going against them for you to be correct just causes unnecessary confusion and distress.
Just say oh that's nice , bit rainy today tho etc

Agree with everyone that you can accept their reality without entering into it. Just non committal and move on.

We did have quite a long period though with MIL when she would really upset FIL by talking about his family members who he was still mourning. Asking when they would be coming round. She also used to accuse people of preventing her mum visiting or get distressed because she thought people werre hiding her mum had died ( she was there when it happened but she time travelled so much at that stage she was really confused and distressed)

That was hard but over time she has progressed to really only thinking about her own blood relatives and he has moved forward with learning to deal with it, as you DH and FIL undoubtedly will.

At the stage you are now I used to try and take one for the team by distracting her into a long rambling story and letting them escape. If " oh you were going to tell me about when you all went to Bangor" would get her rambling then she was happy and they didnt have to deal with it for a bit!

I'm glad DH has come around.

For what it's worth, when my mum had dementia and was in a care home, my dad's approach when she said something impossible had happened was not to confirm or deny it, but to ask a friendly question about it. The conversation might go something like this...

Mum - I went shopping in Birmingham yesterday.

Dad - Oh really, what did you buy?

Mum - do you know, I can't really remember, but I had a good time.

Yes, going along with it is the best and kindest approach.
My FiL used to imagine all sorts of things, eg that he was watching the cricket in his hospital ward (there was no tv) and we used to say things along the lines of “is it a good match” to which he might reply, yes or no and then we’d move onto something else; or that his bike leaning against the ward wall (it wasn’t of course), needed its tyre pumping up, so we’d say “does it?”. There was absolutely no point in correcting him by saying there was no tv or bike there, adding to his confusion and causing unnecessary distress.

Please just go along with it, to try and make her see truth will only lead to distress for her, and every time she is told her brother has died she will experience grief again, however briefly. No amount of telling her he has died will ever make her remember, her brain no longer has the capacity. There are certain forms of dementia that may give occasional very brief periods of lucidity, but this is rare.

I can’t find the person I was talking about upthread @TheLostGardensOfElrond. So annoying.

The relationship was so lovely. The young woman’s Mum had died and the Grandmother couldn’t remember. The young woman took her some of her Mum’s old clothes and the grandmother kept asking if she was sure her Mum wouldn’t mind and she just kept saying, no, she’s got so many clothes, she thinks you will look beautiful in them. So sweet but so upsetting.

It's not always for benign reasons like those given, my mother rewrote family history to suit her and there was hell to pay if you didn't go along with it- she was a great mother, always treated us equally and we had an idyllic childhood in which we wanted for nothing etc, etc -the reality was very different.

You can't argue or use logic with someone with dementia. And she may be having hallucinations and to her he really did come see her. It's a common phenomenon in hospice patients as well. Your hubby is wrong. Best to just say Oh really? That's lovely.

My dad used to say really odd stuff: that he’d been on a helicopter ride or he’d met the prime minister. We eventually worked out that he would see something on TV and then think that it had happened to him.

I hope it was things that made him happy thinking he had done them. That's a great life!

I worked in a dementia unit for 10.years . I agreed with everything it made them happy . No point making their life more stressful than it is anyway . We had a very religious member of staff who refused to bend the truth she left a trail of misery in her wake and complained that the residents were difficult and nobody liked her

I don’t think saying “expert advice is…” is pompous at all. It’s meant to reassure that something that does feel really wrong is actually the best and kindest thing to do. It can also help to take a little of the weight of responsibility and guilt off a loved one. They have to do something that feels wrong but do it because “the experts say” they should.

It is hard when your parent no longer recognises you. My DM thinks I am her sister (died a few years ago) or just some friendly random who comes in and sorts her flowers which she thinks she bought for herself.

At this point they live in their own world and you have to join them in it. Doing otherwise just distresses them.

so have a nice chat about their imaginary visitor. Ask open questions so they can say anything they fancy about it.

I Spent years meeting my gran-in-law “for the first time”. Same conversation each visit. It was fine.

Anyone i have ever spoken to who works in this field have always said to go along with it, its cruel not to

When BIL struggled with the idea of lying to FIL one of the the care home staff said to him “How many times a day should he be told that his parents have died? Can you imagine that every day, or multiple times a day? How is that in his best interest?” It really help BiL think about it in terms of an ongoing thing.

Definitely in this kind of situation. MIL had a nice visit from her brother, to all intents and purposes.
It was different with my mum who used to ask in a puzzled way when Dad would be visiting, and we'd say Sorry Mum, he died last year , remember? And sh would say, Oh yes that's right, and then change the subject. For her that was less upsetting than going along with it, because she half knew something didn't make sense.