When to go along with things that aren’t true

Alzeimers doesnt just make you lose your memory it means you cant create new memories. Correcting her about Albert wont help her remember something, but it will make her experience learning of his death twice. The only mercy is it will be a fleeting pain until next time someone corrects her.

The only boon of this horrific illness is at this stage people can be comforted by present experiences of loved ones they feel they saw yesterday even if in reality it was decades ago. Dont take this from her agree, let her reminisce about her brother. It doesnt matter if he visited yesterday or 20 years ago let her tell the story of her happy day. You were right OP

Totally agree, at that stage it's just easier and kinder to say 'that's nice' or 'how wonderful'!
My late Mum ran a nursing home and obviously some of the residents had dementia and it was exhausting but she found it very rewarding 😘

I’ve looked after so many patients with dementia. Go along with it.

Sound advice.

100% agree with you.

It's what I do with my mum - she is experiencing old age brain deterioration not dementia, so has brain farts.
Stick to your guns @TheLostGardensOfElrond no one wins if your MIL gets upset by being told the truth when her truth is different.

Yes, generally you should go along with them. That's common practice. You will only upset them, and they will forget again, so correcting them does no good at all.

You're definitely right.
The other thing to bear in mind is that she may remember the emotion but not the cause so if you tell her he died, she may remember being sad for days after but have no explanation and it will impact on her behaviour.

When my dad was first diagnosed with dementia I tried to help with his tax return. I needed information sent through to him so I wrote letters for him to sign. I thought he understood.
The next day he turned up being aggressive, threatening me with the police, because he remembered id asked him to sign something so was clearly defrauding him. He was really angry - the kids were only tiny too and witnessed this.
DH calmed him down - dad just wanted to attack me - and explained everything and dad toddled off home happy as anything.
The following day he remembered he was angry at me and came round being aggressive, threatening me with the police...
Emotions are retained better than facts so keeping her happy is definitely the way to go.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/lying-to-someone-with-dementia
Here's an article which you may find helpful.
I really recommend reading "Alzheimer's from the Inside Out" by Richard Taylor if you can find the time. I read it in my late teens to better understand how to care for my Nan when she asked awkward questions and I found it really interesting and useful. I couldn't pinpoint where in the book, but there is a section about navigating similar experiences as you've described.

My uncle did this for weeks and weeks when he went into a new care home, me and my mum had to stop visiting for a while, because it was too distressing for them both. My mum and her brother are only 11 months apart and they were close, and it is really a horrible disease to watch someone suffer but the family watching it is also suffering.

I just told my mum that her two deceased brothers were in nursing homes. (One was until he died, she'd gone to the funeral but forgotten about it.) She was surprised and said 'oh that's terrible, I'll have to go and visit him.' (Also seemingly unaware that she was sitting in a nursing home herself.) Honestly, STM is so poor with dementia that she won't remember either way, but it's unfair to make someone momentarily very distressed. Just maintain a comforting fiction and let them live within it, I'm sure that's what those who work with such people do advise.

For anyone currently living with the reality of dementia in the family, dont forget to look after yourself.

Dementia is a total bastard. Little by little, or sometimes in big steps it is taking your family member away.

You are allowed to grieve.

I would absolutely not have corrected her. I see absolutely no reason to tell someone that someone they love dearly is actually dead repeatedly… That to me seems definitely more cruel…

I believe your approach is correct. I used to correct my mother and inevitably upset. Correcting your mother is pointless. She’s likely to get agitated and by the next time you see her again, she’ll have forgotten. My mother would say things like, “Why hasn’t Mary come to see me?” Mary had been dead for 7 years. I learned to say, “She’s been away, Ma. She’ll come as soon as she can.” My mum would accept that and move on to other things. Your mother will probably have times of being lucid, but don’t make the mistake of believing she’s back to herself. It will absolutely break your heart if you do.

Our DM had Alzheimers and we took same approach as you. Why remind someone of bad news over and over to upset them....better just to go along with it 💐

I was told by a professional to go along with it ,it felt wrong but kept the peace !

That’s is so lovely and a wonderful example of compassionate care.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/difficult-questions-truth-telling

At least she was happy and not distressed. I remember an elderly lady (in the care home) crying to go home to her mother and “waiting at the bus stop”, it was difficult to console or redirect her.

That’s a great update about your DH OP.

I'd very much be in the camp of "that's great... tell me about him"

My nan was very close to her sister J, who died relatively young in her 50s. I don't think she ever got over her death.
She started to confuse her sister with my mum, they had the same name which didn't help, quite early on, but for the last 4 years or so she thought my mum was her sister.
Absolutely no point in 'reminding ' her J was long dead, it would only upset her again and again. Much kinder to let her think J was there with her.

Absolutely go along with it. It serves no purpose to correct her

I think your approach is the correct one, as you say it doesn't do any harm to anyone and saves the ill person from becoming upset. Before I realised this, when my mum asked where her husband was, I gently told her 'Oh, Mum, he died a few years ago.' She looked very scornful, snorted and said, 'No, not that one! The other one!'

You could point out to your husband that a care home near me has a 'bus stop' in the corridor because one of their patients gets ready every day to go shopping and stands waiting at the bus stop to catch the bus. She chats to everyone going past, and agrees to leave because the bus has been 'delayed' and then goes back later on. The care home goes along with the nonsense because it keeps her happy and hurts no one.

My mum had dementia with visual hallucinations. I was advised to just go along with everything that she thought or she thought that she was seeing. This approach is much kinder on all concerned because there is really nothing to be gained by trying to reason with someone who cannot understand and will probably become frustrated and upset. As long as she is not in any danger there is no need to correct her thinking.

There's a book called Contented Dementia, by Oliver James. Published a good few years ago. Available v cheaply on World of Books (worldofbooks.com). I think it's very good and addresses your questions. Well worth getting.

When I worked in elderly care years ago we were taught to bring the service user back to the present day.
One lovely lady had lost her fiancé in the war and every single morning asked where he was.
If we fibbed and said he’d nipped out for a paper she was happy and forgot about him five minutes later. If we said he’d died she was upset all day.
So we just fibbed. And I would do similar again.

I have been a religion teacher rather than the eldest grandchild, and had a happy evening with a relaxed grandmother (and a laughing Aunt, who also went along with it). (A grandmother that I was a very regular visitor for …not daily but more than weekly).