Supporting an elderly mum with anxiety without getting overwhelmed ourselves

My mum is 85 and has always had anxiety but it’s worse now she’s bedbound. I’m amazed how well she does considering she’s never had any medication. I suffer as well so I just say what people say to me which is answer her questions then say I’m not talking about it anymore etc. one of her anxieties relates to the bins being collected and my brother who lives with her is a bit of a hoarder which doesn’t help but if I try and solve it all my mental health takes a huge hit.

I do Saturday thats it. You have have your boundaries. I got back from my mams earlier you have nothing done at home then. Back work monday.

I think you're absolutely right. Having been in a similar situation, I think you have to be very careful to establish at an early stage how much of your own life you are willing to give to help her. It's very easy to keep agreeing to just a little bit more help/a few more hours a week etc in the expectation that it will be short term 'just until she's feeling better'.

I totally understand you not wanting your DM to be dependent on you. My DM does not want to be alone ever but also does not want paid carers, social groups or residential care. As my DC are older teens and I work from home there has been a LOT of pressure (from DM and other family members) for me to move her in with me or spend significant amounts of time staying with her- on the basis that I don't have small children or a fixed work place to prevent me being with her 24/7. I think that my DM's choice not to engage with other ways of managing her needs does not over-ride my right to a life of my own.

That is good news about the POA.
Hopefully your mother will be able to continue living independently for quite a while. But it is hard on you and your sister to be expected to 'make things right' when that's mission impossible, because as you say the anxiety never leaves her.

Yes, of course.

During the first year she lost track of how to run her finances, fortunately she had done a POA for me a few years earlier so I could help her. And she always forgot appointments. Apart from that she put on a pretty good show of being independent.

Then things deteriorated further, she could not remember how to prepare food, even the sequencing to heat up a ready meal was beyond her, and she also got lost shopping on a high street where she'd lived for 50 years. And she was anxious about everything. So I arranged for her to have a daily carer who stayed all morning and did the cleaning, took her to appointments, went shopping with her, made her meals (it's called 'companion care'). That worked for about 18 months, but the point came when she was not safe (or happy) alone.

So she moved to a care home near me. She was there for 7 years and died last year, ten years after diagnosis of Alzheimers. I know people hate the idea of care homes but the staff were brilliant and she was happy there.

If your mum hasn't done POA, please strongly encourage it. It needs to be done in advance of needing it. I did mine own when I was in my 50s.

Long weekends are hard she goes into panic mode if other sister away. It is draining long term. I can only do so much. I dont bring her away as she quite negative.. other sister kids young so she steps back from it

Definitely contact her GP. Anti depressants would be a more appropriate treatment

You need boundaries too. Its this drama today something else next week. My friend is worn out from her mams demands)

Unfortunately in someone of that age that type of wide-ranging anxiety can be a sign of cognitive decline. It was for my mother. She was very sociable and had a lot of friends, and was very active, but that made little difference.

My mother's anxiety was fixated mainly although not exclusively on her health. She knew 'something' was wrong (and it was, she had the beginnings of dementia) but couldn't identify exactly what it was, so her anxiety roved around minor symptoms like allergies and reflux, and she was always at the GP or A&E. She was 79 when that started, and she was diagnosed with dementia about a year later.

As for the anxiety, you can't fix it. Once you fix one thing, another will turn up.

If she has capacity I thinknall you can do is say "I know mum, I gave you my advice last week, it hasn't changed. If you aren't going to take it, there's no point in us continuing to talk about it. Always here for you and will see you twice a week as always. There's lots of help if you want to take it, but you have to ask or deal with it. Happy to come to the GP if you want me to, to see if anything else is available. Love you mum".

Rinse and repeat.

I'm surprised that a benzodiazepine has been prescribed for an 84 year old.
That's very unusual - are you in America?

I'd definitely let her GP know your concerns. But I also think you need to try to have a very direct conversation with her (perhaps with your sister too?). My observation from my own older relatives is that expanding their social circle is vital, especially if they are prone to feeling anxious or down when they are alone. She needs to understand that if she doesn't want to join social groups that's up to her but you and your sister can't be her main source of social contact. One exercise class plus a few visits to relatives (who from the sound of it have needs of their own) still leaves a lot of time alone which makes the anxiety worse.
If this is unusual for your DM, I would also keep an eye out for possible signs of cognitive decline. Looking back, I think my DM became anxious and socially withdrawn when she was first becoming aware of her decline. She also spent a lot of time watching daytime TV and became incredibly worried about things she heard about on 'rip off Britain' type sections.

My Gran (95) still lives semi independently, no carers or anything and she gets anxious about EVERYTHING so you really do have my sympathy.

She’s always ran on her nerves but it’s definitely gotten worse with age.

I’ve learned not to try and fix anything or reason with her because she actually doesn’t want that so lots of yes and oh really from me.

I don’t phone her every night anymore and I make it random days as routine just makes her worse if you’re 10 minutes late she’s in a flap because anxiety made her.

Was your mum always a bit anxious?

Op its hard isnt it. Ours is lonely. Everyone is working too.. sister does mid week me Saturday. Its all we can manage. 80s. Not into choirs or clubs either.