Page 6 | Dad wants to live in my brother’s rental house. How realistic is this?

Denimes5 · 2026-09-25T20:54:05+00:00

My father is currently living in my brother’s house, paying him the full government rent a room scheme amount of £625 a month. As expected, after a short time, he’s now decided he wants Dad out in the next few weeks. Dad uses a zimmer, has a full package of care, has a urinary catheter, wears slip pads, often doesn’t get to the toilet in time to open his bowels and so there are faecal accidents. He gets up at night to use the toilet a couple of times and my brother has to help him. He doesn’t seem to have much recent memory at all and yet his recent brain scan didn’t show any dementia. My brother wants to move him into his vacant rental house and charge the full market rental value. There is no downstairs toilet in this house and I, as POA, would be expected to put a stairlift in. My father says my brother has shown him round and he would like to live there. The social worker says it’s actually worth exploring the funding options for this as the council might decide to contribute. Dad would need a live in carer with support overnight. The cost would be extortionate. Then utilities, council tax, a cleaner, food, no doubt. I am taking Dad to see a care home tomorrow as I think it might be more realistic. How likely is it that my Dad’s wish to live in my brother’s rental house will actually be fulfilled? I have my reservations about my brother’s plans but as POA, I have to consider all views and options. I’ve spoken to Dad about how quickly his own funds would run out but he forgets. I’m finding the whole POA situation a stressful place, providing so much support without any support.

DangerousThingsILove · 03/10/2026 08:44

Denimes5 · 03/10/2026 06:14

@caringcarer I agree. I’ve looked at inspection reports and the home I’ve chosen is currently excellent in all areas. Everyone in the family likes it.

I just hope the care home manager thinks Dad is suitable. Dad’s memory is poor but he’s consistently hung on to the idea of this particular home being wonderful. He can’t wait to get there, it’s comical. He’s so enthusiastic about the place.

There are lots of activities and he was told that he can take them or leave them and that is fine. They will get to know and understand his needs.

Good luck. This home sounds ideal for him.

Copperoliverbear · 03/10/2026 08:50

Sending hugs. I think it’s better if you go with the care home, he will have constant care and support.

charliehungerford · 03/10/2026 08:55

clapalongnow · 25/09/2026 22:11

A care home is double the monthly rent per week, not even remotely similar costs.

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It’s not the rent that would be an issue, a one hour a day care package is £350.00 a week, councils often support up to four visits a day, as once you go past that amount the costs are equivalent to a full time residential care home, around £1400 a week. If Dad needs that much support a residential home would be better for him with 24/7 support and supervision.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/10/2026 10:23

charliehungerford · 03/10/2026 08:55

It’s not the rent that would be an issue, a one hour a day care package is £350.00 a week, councils often support up to four visits a day, as once you go past that amount the costs are equivalent to a full time residential care home, around £1400 a week. If Dad needs that much support a residential home would be better for him with 24/7 support and supervision.

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Staying at home is rent, bills, food, council tax, insurance, house maintenance. A carehome fee covers all these costs. You can also put attendance allowance towards the fee.

rookiemere · 03/10/2026 10:48

I don’t think you can claim attendance allowance once in a care home. Certainly in Scotland I had to
notify authorities so it could be stopped but it was replaced with a contribution to the care element of their package.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/10/2026 11:17

rookiemere · 03/10/2026 10:48

I don’t think you can claim attendance allowance once in a care home. Certainly in Scotland I had to
notify authorities so it could be stopped but it was replaced with a contribution to the care element of their package.

You can if you're 100% self funded

GooseCreekandtheRiver · 03/10/2026 11:24

MissMoneyFairy · 03/10/2026 11:17

You can if you're 100% self funded

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While technically true, in Scotland in a care hope you might reasonably expect to be getting PFC (which knocks £260.30 off the bill) and if receiving that you don’t get AA.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2026 11:52

i think an adapted retirement flat sounds appropriate

Original poster

Denimes5 · 03/10/2026 21:48

I’m quite worried that my brother is going to sabotage this plan. He’s just sent me a message painting a really bad picture of how Dad would be at the care home. It’s really not true. Dad lives with my brother and the care home manager will be going there next week to visit Dad. My brother has said he’ll be telling her all about Dad. He’s been with my brother since 2023, trying to move from him and he’s managed to ruin every attempt.

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GooseCreekandtheRiver · 03/10/2026 21:54

Denimes5 · 03/10/2026 21:48

I’m quite worried that my brother is going to sabotage this plan. He’s just sent me a message painting a really bad picture of how Dad would be at the care home. It’s really not true. Dad lives with my brother and the care home manager will be going there next week to visit Dad. My brother has said he’ll be telling her all about Dad. He’s been with my brother since 2023, trying to move from him and he’s managed to ruin every attempt.

Just give the care home manager a heads up. This will not be the first time she’s encountered the dynamic of a potential beneficiary reluctant to see an inheritance taken up by care.

Is there any chance you could be there when she visits?

If you are concerned that there might be any truth in your brother’s concerns, just remember (and maybe remind him) that it’s not a prison. If it turns out your dad is unhappy there you can look for another placement. At absolute worst he could come back to your brother’s.

GarlicEverything · 03/10/2026 21:56

Crikey, that's sinister. Presumably you can alert the manager about the history and your brother's investment; perhaps arrange to be present at the meeting?

Does your brother believe he has your dad's best interests at heart, or is he cynically manipulating the situation? In my family, like many others, some siblings were unwilling or unable to recognise how much trouble Mum was in. She'd have been better off in the home at least a couple of months sooner.

Original poster

Denimes5 · 03/10/2026 22:38

GooseCreekandtheRiver · 03/10/2026 21:54

Just give the care home manager a heads up. This will not be the first time she’s encountered the dynamic of a potential beneficiary reluctant to see an inheritance taken up by care.

Is there any chance you could be there when she visits?

If you are concerned that there might be any truth in your brother’s concerns, just remember (and maybe remind him) that it’s not a prison. If it turns out your dad is unhappy there you can look for another placement. At absolute worst he could come back to your brother’s.

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I will give the SW and the care home manager a heads up.

He definitely won’t be going back to my brothers if I can get him out of there though.

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MissMoneyFairy · 03/10/2026 22:53

Dont forget you have poa, not your brother. Your dad lacks capacity and the care home manager can speak to the carers. Try and be there if you can. They've heard it all before and if your brother tries to paint your dad in a bad light all the more reason he needs a csrehome.

MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 10:36

What us your brother threatening to say about your dad, are you sole poa. Whose decision was it to discharge him back to your brothers house from hospital.

Original poster

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 11:05

MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 10:36

What us your brother threatening to say about your dad, are you sole poa. Whose decision was it to discharge him back to your brothers house from hospital.

He’s saying that someone will always need to go with him to the toilet to make sure that any stool in his slip pad goes in the toilet and not on the floor and then on his shoes and then walked through to other areas. Also that 50% of the time he leaves the bathroom with the catheter valve open.

He tries to clean up any mess himself and the toilet gets blocked.

My argument is that if he was in a care home, he could have regular supervised toileting written in to his care plan. The manager said he could have his bedroom door kept open at night so they could keep an eye on him.

I have bought him a bed and chair alarm so that if he gets up, staff will be alerted.

He is due an appointment with the continence team and they want to look at trying to bring him into a proper bowel routine so that he has a complete evacuation daily, instead of probably lots of incomplete bowel movements.

They want a picture of what he’s eating and drinking and output but my brother has flatly refused to keep a record in the notebook I put in place.

The care company has a system whereby I should be able to see the notes written by the carers. It’s impossible to access though. They said they would email them over instead. I had a days worth and nothing more.

He had to go back to my brother’s house from hospital because the manager of the care home said she would need to see him there in order to do her assessment.

I know for a fact that she can assess people in hospital so I’m not sure why this would be the case for my father.

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MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 11:50

If he needs help going to the toilet then, as you say, the carehome staff are there. They will do acontinrnce assessment and come up with a plan and if he's put on regular laxatives that might help. They will also weigh him and monitor that, ask what foods he likes so that's not an issue. The carehome should have their own alarm system, did they ask you to buy that, maybe the hospital,felt he was safe to be discharged, it's not usual,for someone to stay in just for a carehome assessment if they don't need to be there but it would have been better to assess him there. It's impossible to measure an input if someone opens the catheter and is incontinent so don't worry about that. Call the care agency and the sw, can you be there for the assessment or arrange facetime with the carehome manager. The more help he needs the more he needs a carehome. Your brother is just playing for time, does he have poa with you!

rookiemere · 04/10/2026 12:11

Once faecal incontinence is involved, there’s really no option except care home.

How on earth does your B think your DF would be cleaned up and the bathroom and other rooms sorted out if he was on his own in a rental property- oh and needed a stairlift to reach the bathroom?

What do you think your Bs end game is here ?

MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 12:22

rookiemere · 04/10/2026 12:11

Once faecal incontinence is involved, there’s really no option except care home.

How on earth does your B think your DF would be cleaned up and the bathroom and other rooms sorted out if he was on his own in a rental property- oh and needed a stairlift to reach the bathroom?

What do you think your Bs end game is here ?

I suspect it's money, it's always about money, he wants their dad to pay full market rent to live in his house (pay off his mortgage), protect his inheritance.

Original poster

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 13:26

MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 11:50

If he needs help going to the toilet then, as you say, the carehome staff are there. They will do acontinrnce assessment and come up with a plan and if he's put on regular laxatives that might help. They will also weigh him and monitor that, ask what foods he likes so that's not an issue. The carehome should have their own alarm system, did they ask you to buy that, maybe the hospital,felt he was safe to be discharged, it's not usual,for someone to stay in just for a carehome assessment if they don't need to be there but it would have been better to assess him there. It's impossible to measure an input if someone opens the catheter and is incontinent so don't worry about that. Call the care agency and the sw, can you be there for the assessment or arrange facetime with the carehome manager. The more help he needs the more he needs a carehome. Your brother is just playing for time, does he have poa with you!

Thanks, I’ll call the care home and arrange to be there when she visits Dad.

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Original poster

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 13:31

MissMoneyFairy · 04/10/2026 11:50

If he needs help going to the toilet then, as you say, the carehome staff are there. They will do acontinrnce assessment and come up with a plan and if he's put on regular laxatives that might help. They will also weigh him and monitor that, ask what foods he likes so that's not an issue. The carehome should have their own alarm system, did they ask you to buy that, maybe the hospital,felt he was safe to be discharged, it's not usual,for someone to stay in just for a carehome assessment if they don't need to be there but it would have been better to assess him there. It's impossible to measure an input if someone opens the catheter and is incontinent so don't worry about that. Call the care agency and the sw, can you be there for the assessment or arrange facetime with the carehome manager. The more help he needs the more he needs a carehome. Your brother is just playing for time, does he have poa with you!

I bought the bed alarm as although my brother is sleeping downstairs with Dad at the moment, it’s been an ineffective arrangement as he doesn’t hear when Dad wakes up to go to the bathroom. Dad doesn’t like to ask him for help. I don’t think he has much faith in him as being carer material.

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Original poster

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 13:40

rookiemere · 04/10/2026 12:11

Once faecal incontinence is involved, there’s really no option except care home.

How on earth does your B think your DF would be cleaned up and the bathroom and other rooms sorted out if he was on his own in a rental property- oh and needed a stairlift to reach the bathroom?

What do you think your Bs end game is here ?

Well, yes, I’m aware of all of these factors. I am well aware of my brother’s end game here, but I’m not sure that anyone’s interested in hearing about my personal views on my brother. It’s just seen as family conflict. In my experience so far with Dad, health and social care professionals have no time for family conflict. They’re not interested.

All I can do is push forward with trying to get the best outcome possible for Dad. No doubt the relevant parties can see for themselves what motivates my brother.

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justasking111 · 04/10/2026 13:50

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 13:40

Well, yes, I’m aware of all of these factors. I am well aware of my brother’s end game here, but I’m not sure that anyone’s interested in hearing about my personal views on my brother. It’s just seen as family conflict. In my experience so far with Dad, health and social care professionals have no time for family conflict. They’re not interested.

All I can do is push forward with trying to get the best outcome possible for Dad. No doubt the relevant parties can see for themselves what motivates my brother.

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I'm sure they do. I've seen it two doors down, fighting tooth and nail to keep her out of a home. After a series of crises with neighbours picking her up, showering her and redressing, calling ambulances regularly she finally died in hospital. One brother got the house as a second home, the other one the money presumably.

Original poster

Denimes5 · 04/10/2026 14:21

justasking111 · 04/10/2026 13:50

I'm sure they do. I've seen it two doors down, fighting tooth and nail to keep her out of a home. After a series of crises with neighbours picking her up, showering her and redressing, calling ambulances regularly she finally died in hospital. One brother got the house as a second home, the other one the money presumably.

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That’s awful, very sad.

I wasn’t expecting anything other than complete havoc and emotional turmoil following on from the best interests meeting.

Hang in there Denimes5, hopefully just a few more days of head fuckery.

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Original poster

Denimes5 · 08/10/2026 00:10

He’s finally in the care home! I can’t quite believe it’s actually gone my way for once! Bit late in the day, unfortunately, because in between my brother going out this morning and me going in to my brother’s house, the district nurses came and went. Dad’s version of events was that he hadn’t seen them for days and so by the time I’d spoken to them to be told they’d been already, it was mid afternoon.

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GarlicEverything · 08/10/2026 00:29

So pleased your father's in a safe and appropriate place, @Denimes5. I'm very unclear on how this happened or where the district nurses come into it, but you must have had a hugely stressful day following a very stressful time. I hope you're getting some rest now