Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I refuse to do it either unless an emergency and even then I just make my mum get straight in the shower, i cant do all the wiping and stuff I just cant do it i would be physically sick. My mums carers are great though she lives in an extra care housing scheme a bit like sheltered housing but only has 3 care calls per day.

I have no advice @bringincrazyback but I just wanted to send understanding and a hug. x

Incidently, when my MIL was getting frail she and some other family members expected my DH to step up and give some personal care. I fought his corner for him over this, as he didn’t want to as it didn’t feel right for him.

This thread is going to get algorithmically linked with that 'One Shitty Job Until Christmas' thread, isn't it...

Well said.

It is not lacking compassion. Specifically for the 92 year old mother. No one wants to end up wiping their mums arse. But I stand by my point that it isn’t about what OP likes or dislikes at this point, no matter how embarrassing or disgusting she finds it. It should be a compromise between the mother’s needs and OP’s.

I’ve made several posts on this thread acknowledging the hardships and anguish the OP shares with many, many people. I have also posted some views different to OP, which, while supporting her right to make her own decisions, I believe are equally valid,

Interesting that you’re saying she should feel compassion when your post is spectacularly lacking in it.

This is a specific thread regarding people who feel this way though. People that might have felt there’s nowhere else to admit it. There are some posters commenting who have found their lives taken over by having to do it anyway and may be getting some solace and support here after feeling quite alone.

There’s a whole world out there of people who don’t feel this way, but it’s not wrong that some people do.

It’s not snobbery or a lack of compassion but I would say your post is judging people and displaying both.

For me, I think it goes back to my childhood and not feeling cared for, therefore a lack of physical closeness in that way. I could do it for my children, but would hugely struggle for my parents.

I think there are a multitude of reasons for feeling this way, and a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I imagine the vast majority of posters who feel this way would not want family members to provide them with personal care either.

I suppose it's like a lot of things in life, where you don't do it because you want to, rather that the alternative prospect is worse.
Secondly, I found it was no worse really than wiping my own arse, which is not an especially enjoyable experience either.
But while doing so, one usually thinks about other things while doing it, so it is not so bad, and in a way one does that when doing it to someone else.

In this way, reading or talking about this stuff can be actually worse than doing it, because one is forced to mentally confront the idea of it, but when one is doing it, one can put one's mind elsewhere, if that makes sense.

Havent read the thread apart from your OP but totally with you. I do not do personal care for adults, including my family. About to hit a situation where this might be expected. My boundary will need to be as strong as yours. PS I have met some fabulous people in hospital this week who do personal care as part of their job. They are totally professional, but have a tone that my mother will not accept from me.

After reading these posts, I’d be shocked if a relative did anything beyond the barest minimum.

Pish. It sucks. It totally, absolutely, chronically does. No one denies that. I have tonnes of empathy for that. Nevertheless, she is being incredibly self centered and unwilling to compromise in any way because of her own discomfort. I am not unsympathetic, but I am not backing down. I can appreciate her feelings without endorsing her behaviour.

This was YOUR choice... And a friend/partner is completely different for caring for a parent.

You were clever with the medical students - when they are in attendance, less of a chance of a medical cock-up and usually it is consultant-lead, so clever you!

But then the state will help if care is deemed necessary.

This sort of perspective keeps women in a one down position...

Just do the patriarchys job for them..

Some people could do this, some people could not do this.

If the worst came to the worst then of course I’d do it, but I’d prefer not to do it.

I don’t think the OP is the one not showing empathy

And yet they do it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do.

Dignity is a luxury of healthy people.

“Pay professionals” what an exceedingly privileged statement. A whole lot of people simply can’t afford that.

My best friend of over 40 years ended up in the hospital. I visited her often and sometimes stayed overnight so her husband could get a rest. At one point she needed someone to wipe her butt and the staff was not available. She asked if I was okay to do it. Yes, I was, and did. The nursing staff asked if I was her sister. She said, “No, but yes.” I would do it again if she needed it. Her husband too, who is also my dear friend. It’s not ABOUT my comfort. It’s about taking care of people I love when they need it.

I could not be more saddened and disappointed than I am by the selfish, heartless people posting on this site. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t worth while. You should be ashamed.