Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I was a carer and did personal care all the time, and while I did help my mum when she was ill I refuse to clean my step dad, I love him very much and I’m all he has but I DO NOT want to see him naked at any point.

I'm disabled myself and need personal care for certain things and while my eldest son would help if needed in an emergency, my youngest always said absolutely not and I don’t have an issue with that at all.

you’re definitely allowed to say no and don’t let anyone bully into saying otherwise.

This topic resonates with me. Our late mother started to decline, having falls, etc. My brother and I decided to get carers for her (3 x day). Organised through Social Services. After another fall, she was assessed as being unable to look after herself. Social worker asked us both if we could take care of her. Answer was no, we're not medically trained and our homes not suitable. She spent 10 months in a care home. We both found it difficult at first as we were handing her care to people we didn't know.

May seem hardhearted but no way could we have done the personal stuff, although one family member considered we should. We all react differently, sometimes through a sense of duty or being practical. It's difficult but don't jeopardize your own health "doing the right thing" .

I had to do it towards the end of my mother life on a few occasions and it was grim but there was nobody else there at those times. She was a fastidious woman who always looked immaculate and it was tough on us both.

Interesting /sorry off topic but this is what worries me about if I develop dementia and say hurtful things to my own DC.
My OH lost his parents early, when he was 22 and 34. But in some ways I think he was spared seeing them decline. Hehas lovely memories of them.

I can relate to this too. I remember pouring my heart out the to the visiting dementia specialist about how difficult mum had become and how she would try to manipulate me with painful memories from childhood. He told me that dementia magnifies a person’s less attractive traits and brings them to the fore. It was the single most important piece of information I had for her ongoing care. It allowed me to rise above the horrible comments and the lashing out (both physical and mental) she did on a regular basis. I just told myself it wasn’t mum. It was the disease

It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done because your brain tells you that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. The vitriol was coming from the mouth of someone I loved dearly and had always thought of as my mum, who had my best interests at heart. It takes every fibre of your being to realise that the person your mum truly is, is buried by this terrible disease. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.

No. Absolutely not. I was single minded about mums’ care and it was only after she passed away that I had the time to reflect.

OP I was lucky in the fact that when mum started to need care I was retired and and could give my time. I have a disability so I can’t imagine providing even minimal care and having to work too. Mum was a self funder and the LA care did what was necessary but I couldn’t have managed without private care in the mix too. You cannot - CANNOT - set yourself on fire to keep your mum warm. You do the best you can with what you have at the time, and you need to learn to shut out the detractors. Anyone who is not offering help is a hindrance.

I can relate to this. My mum had dementia and by the time she needed my input with her care she wasn’t aware of what was happening. It made it easier somehow - for both of us.

I have some friends in Ireland and even now in their family it is the unmarried daughters living with the widowed mother who are expected to do the care. The sons who live in the same town …no…

I will just add that when I did personal care for my mother and later my dad, neither were quite mentally the same as in their prime, or psychologically either, so the relationship had changed a bit anyway, that made it easier really.

Where I live it used to be the tradition that an unmarried daughter stayed at home and looked after the parents. Then the house was left to the son and she was out on her ear.
Thankfully nonsense like this has now died out.

Giles Fraser, who was I think a COE clergyman with a bit of a media profile, suggested a few years ago that we needed to go back to the old model of family members caring for the elderly and that it shouldn't be outsourced to professionals. Happily, he got his arse handed to him on Twitter and elsewhere. Being cared for by 'family' years ago almost invariably meant an unpaid, silent, uncomplaining married daughter or niece who acted as nursemaid to the family 'invalids' with little life of her own, and certainly no ability to do any paid work.

I had to wash and bathe my mother once or twice. I did it out of love and care, but I couldn’t have done it regularly. I totally understand why you are reluctant. It feels wrong somehow - I think because it’s a reversal of the “natural” order. My mother regressed to childhood but was still an adult and my mother

i totally get it @bringincrazyback

This. Exactly my point.

If any carer had ever challenged me on this I would have told them it was totally inappropriate, and notified the agency so they can give them a talking to.

The conversation shouldn't even be happening with the carer.
If personal care is part of their job, they do it. In any job, you don't turn up to work, see your boss is physically present, so proceed to question them as to why they haven't done the job they are paying you for?
It's absurdly unprofessional.

If the carer does not wish to do personal care then they must arrange with their employer that they do not do so. If it is a non negotiable part of the job then they quit. But once they've agreed to do it and they're at client's home then they have to.

And none of these staffing issues should be visible to the client or person paying.

Exactly. I'd also love to know how much actual familial care that middle of the night poster has actually done to form these opinions though I suspect when challenged they'll come up with a story- because NO ONE who has ever been in this kind of situation would ever have made the unforgiveably judgemental comments that they did- so whatever they come back with I for one will be very disinclined to give it credence.
OP you are navigating an incredibly difficult situation and even the fact you are asking questions and reaching out for possible support shows exactly that you DO care. I can massively empathise.

have only read your posts OP, you should only do what you are comfortable or want to do.

I will absolutely not be doing any personal care for my mum. I changed my babies nappies because they are my babies and that was my job at the time. But if i'd employed a nanny? during the nanny's working hours i wouldn't have changed a nappy either.

We, as women, get a very bad rap for declining to do these things - men get off scott free and even if they do the bare minimum once a year are praised to high heavens (not that i'm bitter that it is how it goes down with me and male sibling in respect of our parent's care)

And also it’s absolutely nothing to do with ‘love’ . It’s a job like any other job, if someone said to you ‘if you don’t fly this plane home from lanzarote, you don’t love me’ that’s insane. I’m not a pilot that is not my job and it’s nothing to do with love at all when I don’t do it for you. I can’t.

There is absolutely no way I would do it for anyone except my children and that would only be in an emergency. Absolutely no way and I don’t know how anyone does that job, there is no way I could do it ever. Ever ever.

I will not be made to feel bad about that either. People are good at different things. I could not do that.

Tell her it's carers or she goes unwashed .

Well said, @LilyBunch25

How DARE you say such things to the OP? You cannot equate this situation to that of caring for a baby chosen to be brought into the world by the parents.
When you and your siblings and your partner and their partners have literally nearly lost jobs, had car accidents due to the sheer exhaustion and demand that was the result of caring for a parent who quite literally, without dementia, only cared about themselves, as we had to cope with, you might know just how difficult these family caring situations can be. And that was with my parent having a significant care package in place. Regardless of your personal views, Florence Nightingale, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to say such things to someone in the way you did in your post. Absolute shame on you.

My priority as a carer is the human being in front of me and that I'm doing for them what they would do for themselves if they could, and I'm trying to make sure they don't feel bad or ashamed about being in a vulnerable position that could happen to any of us.

I really relate to feeling like this with patients i work with (it's inpatient rehab so very different situation than home care i know). I haven't been in the position of needing to provide personal care to my own parents, but despite my job I don't know if I could do it, the whole relationship would be different. So I never feel it's unexpected when people feel that - it's so different to me coming in and working with people then going home when my shift is over. Though I care for that human being who is my patient and want to help and support them, it's very different if it's family and all day every day.