So a bit of context to answer some of the questions pps have asked. We're self-funding (for now, anyway, not sure how long for though as we are upping the care hours) We have a self-employed carer some of the time, she's by far and away the best one we have, my mum likes her and we're currently looking at increasing her hours, as the rest of the time we have carers from a care company and as well as being bloody expensive it's been very problematic logistically for a ton of reasons I wouldn't want to bore anyone with. The carers themselves are mostly fine, they seem like pleasant people etc, they do what they're briefed to do (mostly) and I have a lot of respect for them. I couldn't do their job and I'm grateful there are people out there who will do it.
But I always seem to find that when a new carer comes in (i.e. a lot, the company seems to be having major staff retention issues atm), they will often seem puzzled as to why we have carers when I'm 'right there in the house' (as it was put to me once). I work, but from home, and we all know how that gets trivialised. I have various health issues (RA and chronic fatigue being the main offenders but not the only ones) which won't be apparent to the carers, but which mean I can't do everything. Even if I didn't feel the way I do about personal care, I'd be physically unable to give it on a daily basis.
Apparently, in addition to the puzzled looks, one or two of the carers have been asking my mum things like where am I (my mum has her own part of the house, and my husband and I live and work in a different part) and why aren't I looking after her/don't I ever look after her. (To be clear, I do everything that's needed between carer visits.) Unfortunately due to my mum's Alzheimer's she can't often remember people's names or exactly when things occurred, so I can't realistically challenge the carers on anything that might have been said, but my mum is still lucid a lot of the time and I believe her. I've also noticed tasks they are supposed to do being left undone by certain carers, and rightly or wrongly I'm getting a vibe of 'she can do it herself, the lazy mare, she's right here in the house.' As I mentioned upthread, I simply cannot imagine these assumptions/expectations being placed on a man.
My mum has always been desperate not to go into a home, and I'm doing my best to see to it she doesn't have to. I've also spent the past ten years caring for one or both parents at different times, I've been in varying degrees of burnout so long I can't even remember when it started any more (I do have some support in place as well as the increased care hours), and day-in-day-out personal care is simply not something I can do on any level. I'm really grateful to those on this thread who have empathised, and tbh I'm pleasantly surprised how many people there are out there who feel the same way about this! I do feel there's a bit of a taboo around not wanting to do certain things for an elderly parent, they brought you into the world, etc etc. What doesn't help is that some people in my life tend to romanticise the fact that I'm caring for my mum at home, which makes me feel like a fraud - I don't personally feel I should get a halo or a Blue Peter badge for it, I'm just doing what's necessary and a lot of the time I'm not very good at it tbh. But I'm doing my best. Thanks again to those who've posted supportively and with understanding.