Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I was forced to do this for my parents. It nearly destroyed me. You have every right to feel this way.

YANBU OP.

I’ve been a doctor for 35 years so I’ve seen everything. I’ve been sprayed with wee, poo, blood, vomit, phlegm, and examined people who’ve not washed for weeks. I’ve even had to examine a patient who’d had a stroke and whose body had become covered with maggots. And I’ve taken all that in my stride.

But I would really really struggle to do personal care for my Mum if/when the time comes. I could do it for my partner I think, because seeing him naked is normal for me. But parents are different.

I have made it very clear to my family that I don’t want anyone in the family to give me personal care …it’s called dignity!

@IDreamtOfManderley This sounds incredibly hard. I really feel for you. You must be exhausted. 💐

I’m sorry, but that is so manipulative of your Mum, especially as she has capacity, so knows what she is doing. You must find a way to get your boundaries back in place. Any way you can take a trip away so you aren’t there to be bullied into doing it? I feel really sorry for you. 💐💝

Im a home carer.
I've never asked a relative to help.
Im quite shocked that some would

So if I’m passing on any message to anyone please have stronger boundaries than me and don’t get involved in personal care because once you start, it’s just expected of you

@ArcangelaTarabotti we had a bit of a stand-off where I said I wasn’t happy bathing her so she just wasn’t getting washed or cleaned and then said well I’ll just have to use the shower then. The occupational therapist told her the shower wasn’t safe so she was blackmailing me and I just gave in.
When she is having a flareup of her IBS, she phones me up and says I’m shitting come and clean me up

You absolutely can override that!
Just refuse.
OP I am heartened by your stance and that of others on here. I will not have my mother living with me and I will not do personal care.

I am 67 and because of personal care I feel like I have no quality of life and it is honestly going to be the death of me. I have no help. I have told mum politely how I feel, but she says well I just don’t want carers and that’s the end of the conversation. I could weep.

I think this poster is referring to where the OP says this board is the only place where she hasn't been criticised for it - i.e. whoever is criticising her face to face or on other forums are the ones who won't have any personal experience of it.

sorry, typo mistakes above,she has accidents both bladder and bowel and she phoned me up and I’m expected to clear everything up

My mum refuses carers and because she has capacity I can’t override that so I am involved with personal care. She has incontinence unexpected to clear up her accident. It really upsets me. I also have to go round and bath her once a week which I find so difficult. I don’t want to see my 92 year-old Mother naked . it’s really killing me.

I understand op.

I have ended up doing it for mum (she has dementia and lives with my dad) to give him a break, that was when she had a toilet accident. I did struggle with it and wish I hadn’t had to do it. I can’t really explain why I struggle. I would not do it regularly. I think my dad struggles hugely but unless he pays for carers 24/7, sometimes it’s necessary.

My late DM lived with my brother and had carers visiting to do personal care. We were all round one evening for her birthday and the carers arrived and asked me and my daughter if we wanted to do it. We were horrified and said no and received strange looks from them, After that if we were around when they arrived we immediately left the room even going in the garden sometimes.

I'd hazard a guess not many of those criticising OP have their elderly parents living with them, and that even fewer do personal care.

I’m not sure which thread you’ve been reading, but literally not one person has criticised the op! Most are saying they would/could not do personal care at all, whereas the op makes it clear that she does do it when the carers are not there…

I refused to have DM live with me, let alone do personal care! She is in a care home which i visit regularly. I refused to ruin my life and the life of my DH and DC by being a carer! I didn't give a toss what anyone said, and there were a few disparaging comments! You already do more than enough by having her to live with you!

I'd hazard a guess not many of those criticising OP have their elderly parents living with them, and that even fewer do personal care.

I did some personal care for my mother. My father and my grandmother both hated the idea of me doing personal care for them, so I didn't.

If we were in a country where there were no professional carers, I guess everyone would have to get over their reservations.

But there are carers available, so she's getting all the personal care she needs, to stay healthy; what's more, you're being an unusually devoted daughter by having your mother live with you. Good on you, and how dare they judge you.

I agree with this.

I have helped out with my friends dad.

I can't do my parents.

You are not weird.

I would imagine that the careers aren't thinking about it in the same way as a close relative does. It's just an anonymous dirty bottom to them, which looks similar to the other 15 bottoms they've seen that day. It's impersonal personal care.

As a son, daughter, wife, sister it's the most personal personal care. It's ok to maintain the relationship of parent and adult child without having to muddy the waters into what has remained private for all of that relationship.

To me this seems normal. Why do the carers find it so unusual, I assume that’s what they’re paid for!

What conversations are the carers having with you about this?

If the carers are there to deliver personal care, can’t you just say-‘I’ll leave this with you’ and walk away?

I totally understand !

When carers were present with my DM I didn't want to take part in personal care - that's what they were there for but I found I was expected to take the lead. So I had to be very clear that the carer was fully responsible for initiating and delivering care - EVEN if I was in the house. Didn't happen with all carers (DM had 3 possible carers on a rota) but it certainly happened with 2. I don't know whether it's becasue they were inexperienced or nervous around relatives.

If nothing else - it's what they are paid to do ! If delivering personal care requires 2 people, then 2 carers need to be provided.
Having carers to deliver any type of care is to release family to do what they need to do.

I'd make it clear to the organisation (SS or agency) that you are quite happy for the carer to deliver care by themselves, EVEN if you are there, whilst you get on with other things.

Btw many of the carers were male.

My DH had carers and while I did personal care for a long time, once professional carers were in place they did it. Theres was no expectation that I would be responsible while they were here.