Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

I'm fortunate that DM is in a care home. I totally get what you are saying.

My DM has vascular dementia and is doubly incontinent. When her pad needs changing I make myself scarce.

IMO maintaining this distance is important for her and me. My DM was very private about these matters. Before dementia claimed her she would have been mortified by her current situation.

You could say no though?

I wouldn’t want to do it at all. Isn’t that what the carers are meant to do.

Absolutely not unreasonable, my mum knows we’re putting her in the nursing home down the road if she ever reaches that stage!

OP i am totally on your side and everyone else's who feel the same.
I can't describe the horror i feel at the thought of doing personal care for my mother, it makes my skin crawl.
I absolutely dread being the only person there should she need any personal care.
I could (i think ) and would help my adult children, possibly my husband and a couple of close friends but that's it.
I have always been squeamish with this kind of thing, no way would i want to make my children feel like this either, i do not want them ever helping me.
Any one putting pressure on you OP tell them to bugger off.

Absolutely no way would I do personal care for my mum. Makes me feel nauseous just thinking of it. Quite apart from not liking her, I am also squeamish and very very aware of how I would feel if it were me.

Ah yes, you’re right, I misunderstood. Thought it was a strange thing to say! Thanks for setting me straight. 🙂

@bringincrazyback I couldn't clean anyone's bottom tbh so yanbu. Have worked with young children and while it's never pleasant to change diapers it's not awful either whereas I just couldn't do it for an adult without vomiting. And I fully intend to end my life should I ever be in the situation that I would need that kind of help.

Not at all weird @bringincrazyback I wouldnt want to do it and fortunately didn't have to with my parents. As an Early Years teacher I have cleaned up many small children but doing it for your parents is quite different.

If it came to it I would rather have paid carers attend to my personal care than my daughter.

The carers do understand you but they are deliberately misunderstanding you because they are lazy cows or it means they might have to be replaced with carers who can deliver personal care. They will have an agenda and your best interests and those of your parents, will not be coming into it. Don’t let anyone shame you or emotionally blackmail you.

Totally with you OP

Wouldn't in a million years do this for a parent, and wouldn't in a million years have my kids doing this in the future

She has no right to pressure you into doing this and at 92 this is only going to get worse and more demanding of you.
You need to sort this out ,put your foot down and spell it out , either she accepts help from professionals or sits stinking.
Don't let her do this to you , it is very unfair of her .

My mum would absolutely hate me doing this, she'd much prefer a professional carer if it came to that.

I wonder why the carers you employ think these kinds of conversations are appropriate? Are they agency carers? It doesn’t sound like very unprofessional.

I’ve never had a carer who questioned me on my choices for my parents. It’s none of their business.

I could not agree more. Over my dead body would I want my child to care for me. I tell mine find the best home my money can pay for without leaving you with nothing from my estate. Call and visit when you can but do not stop your life for me.

Yes I didn’t want to do and didn’t do any personal care for my dad and wouldn’t for my mum - it’s enough be her support person in other ways

I used to think that but when it's your own or people you care about, it's different.

Your post is confusing. So, you do provide personal care when the carers are not in.. just not when they are. That's part of their job description so that's fine, but why are you saying that's your boundary, when you actually do it anyway when you have to?

Or do you secretly not ever do it and just don't want to be attacked on here for that.

I don't believe people when they say it's because it's a parent and it's too weird / a boundary - I'm not saying they're lying, they may well think that's the reason.. but no one bats an eyelid at changing a baby's nappy or even picking up dog poo. It's snobbery. You think you're above wiping someone's bum. Plain and simple. You're focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on your family member and being able to hold your head high knowing you helped them when they needed it. If they deserve it. I wouldn't do it for just anyone.

This.
I hope I don’t do it to my children. Put me in a home and live your lives.

So what would happen if you, say, "hurt your back" and couldn't do personal care or bathing of your mum. She wouldnt be able to refuse carers then would she?

Im sorry either your mum is very unfeeling and selfish (to expect you to do it and not see why you are uncomfortable with it) or the idea she has capacity is misplaced. I see this in my own partner, going to help his mum all the time, for example, monday gp appt, tue exercise class, wed cleaner coming has to be there, going to make her sunday lunch every week. He has to make up the time with his work at the other end of the day or at the weekend. She thinks she has capacity (she does for some decisions) but in this one, no, she doesnt because she is simply unable to see past her own needs, consider his time, his lost income, his inconvenience, the impact on us as a couple.

Your mum sounds very similar. Her desire for you to step in does not mean you have to do it.

My dad does it all for my mum. They are far from lacking dignity

You can't override her but you can - and should - refuse to do the care instead. please don't ruin your life like this. Tell her you will not be doing it. If she has capacity then she can make and live with the decision. Ask someone to help you stand firm. Your life matters every bit as much as your mother's does.

I have made it very clear to my children that if I need care in the future, I don’t want them to get involved in it. I would hate to see them going through what I’m going through.