Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

Same here.

My mother would absolutely loathe me or my sister doing that. She doesnt really like my father doing it to be honest. If it was a choice between me and a carer, she would choose the carer every day of the week.

And I would hate it purely because I would hate it! Doesnt mean I wouldnt do it.

I think of being a carer, especially personal care, is something you can either do or not. There should be no judgement from those who are happy to do it on those who are not.

I think people are so weird about personal care.

What do you want the carers to say??

Sorry, just a guess on my part - trying really hard to understand the logic of this. Ultimately, I don't have to understand. If you feel it's right for you and you have reasons, that's your business.

Sexism? In what part of my post do you see sexism?

Mhmm.. is that.. sexism?? What on earth is that about?!

I won’t do it either though my sister and I feel like we’ve had to bleach our eyeballs (not literally) with the things we’ve seen with our parents when they’ve been in hospital etc. Never in a million years would they have expected we’d be like this and they don’t expect it under regular circumstances. I was in a&e with my mum recently and she had to remove her bra for a scan and the porter asked if I could help and just from the look on my face he fetched a nurse. It wasn’t a big deal and I’m sorry OP that you get that reaction. It’s just not something I'm prepared to do.

I will not do personal care for my mother. Just no. 100% not. It’s non negotiable . You are not strange or mean ; just normal!

I thought it was only me who felt like this. I cannot tell you how much better this makes me feel.Thank you for your post and for all who have shared their views.

Nobody should be made to do person care if they don't want to do it

I say that as someone that has done it myself out of choice

Sure most people would in a one of emergency situation just crack on with it but outside of that it needs to be your own choice

I would absolutely not want to do regular personal care for a family member (same as you, emergencies only) and I am an HCP.

I also strongly believe that family shold avoid providing care wherever possible.

You're all good darling and I'm sure you provide for your mum in other ways.

Yup likewise, but I am 'only' 64.

Oh and for what it's worth my munhsd her own mother live with her for her final years and she felt exactly the same. The carers did most but inevitably there was the odd time my mum stepped in, in an emergency. Both of them hated it!

Are you certain it is a look of incomprehension from the carer? Since they are involved with personal care day in day out, they probably don't fully appreciate the problem (although of course they should be trained to be sensitive about it).

Just try not to take it personally from the carer towards you. Re-assert your boundaries in a brisk and pleasant manner. 99.5% of the population would and do understand your pov.

I sympathise. I cannot imagine for one moment doing personal care for my mum.. And she has explicitly told me she would absolutely hate me to. She's not at that point yet and I get in some situations needs must. But you are not wrong to feel how you do. And yes no man would be expected to do it.. How does your mother feel about it all?

It's snobbery. You think you're above wiping someone's bum. Plain and simple.

WTAF @Awkwardisfunny ?

I've needed to wipe the bums/change the nappies of disabled children up to 13 years old throughout my career. And as above, I dealt with my late husband's toileting.

I would never have been able to wipe my mum's.

I’m with you 100% Op. I do my DMS shopping , washing, life admin and taxi service. I am not doing personal care. As I don’t want to and I’d be terrible at it anyway

Definitely not unreasonable. I'm a TA and do toileting with a couple of my students in wheelchairs but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing personal care for my parents.

I did some of my late husband personal care when he was in his last months (but he had a stoma, which made things much easier, as changing a bag doesn't involve the more awkward and undignified element of toileting) and bless them, my DDs, in their very early twenties, did likewise.

But no way could I have done any element of my mum's personal care. Fortunately she went straight into a care home after her disabling stroke. Had she needed care at home, neither my brother nor I could have done it.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. And massive respect to you for being so hands on generally with care for your loved ones. It’s a huge personal sacrifice on your part and one that many people in this modern world struggle with the concept of or can possibly understand.

The carer is a judging you?

I really feel for you. I thought you were going to say something else. When my mum was very ill, I had three people in my life who did a lot of personal care for parents - 2 of them men by the way, who were doing it on the way to work on the way back from work and then ultimately had their parents live with them.

They all just did not get it. And they really family friends so the fact that their mum’s friends made it harder. One of them had his mum she was 103!

Some of us just aren’t cut out for it. I don’t think that should make either of us feel like a bad person.

Now I’m wondering what agenda the carer has. The agency do seem to be overwhelmed with work, which can sometimes be an issue for us because mum’s health is up and down. When it’s up, you can see them wondering why they’re there.

are these carers provided by the state by any chance? Because I can imagine they’re desperate to get someone off their list.

mum has a cleaner now who absolutely judges me. She doesn’t understand why I don’t live there. I just have to ignore it. She thinks as I’m single and childfree, I should live there. She finds it ridiculous that mum lives in a house and I live in a tiny flat.

Funnily enough, I bumped into her this week and she kept asking me how I like living where I live. It’s very nice. It’s a new development, people are lovely and it is so much better for me to be living here than with someone in their late 80s. I mean, even my mum knows that!

I hear you OP, I loved the bones of my husband but I did as little personal care for him as I could. Yes, in an emergency I did but I also knew it was something he hated me having to do for him, he was much more comfortable with the carers doing it. It has nothing to do with being too much of a 'snob' to do personal care, I have done it for lots of adults when I worked in care but I didn't have the same relationship or level of intimacy with those adults as I had with him.

How about just not doing it?

I would assist my husband, but that it’s it!

100% with you, no way could I do it for my parents.
I can and would do it for mu husband.

I’ve been a nurse for 19 years and assisting people with personal care is part and parcel of my day to day work.
I couldn’t imagine assisting my parents with personal care! For their own privacy and dignity. I would never expect a family member to do this!
Ive assisted my grandmother to the loo at the end of her life and assisted with a shower to wash her back and feet. But private areas were her ‘job’.
I remember a nurse being surprised I wouldn’t assist my grandad with using a urine bottle. I took her aside and explained that until the day prior he was able to go to the toilet himself and he would be mortified if I had seen his genitals and that’s not the kind of a relationship I have as a grandchild! She swiftly went in to assist!