Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

Carers do it everyday so for them it's normal. I'd just respond to them well you couldn't do end of year accounts (or whatever your job is) and I can't do your job.

Perfectly understand OP. In an emergency yes as you wouldn't want somebody to be uncomfortable in case of an accident, but not every time.

I’m absolutely not being a carer for my mum in any capacity . She’s been a shit mother and will have to sort herself out

@bringincrazyback I'm a bit confused by what's happening? Is it that carers are expecting you to do personal care while they are there, or is it that they are expecting you to do it in between their visits?

They shouldn't be making snide comments. If they have concerns that your DM isn't getting enough help with personal care between visits, they should be raising that her care needs seem to have increased and asking if you need more support.

Nobody has to do personal care. I was a nurse so it's not generally a big deal to me, but it is more difficult to provide intimate care to a loved one than someone you don't know.

If carers are available to do your Mum's personal care, there's no reason why you need to. I help my Dad with showering when I'm visiting; when I'm not there, he has a carer helping him. Luckily, he can still manage his other needs. It doesn't bother either of us, but every family is different. I think my DH would feel v. awkward helping his parents with personal care.

Stick to your guns @bringincrazyback, you've arranged carers and your Mum's needs are being met.

I do understand why it is a hard boundary for some people. But as a nurse myself, I wouldn't want anyone else doing that for my mother, husband, children or even my MIL to be honest. I wouldn't want to do it ALL the time, but I geuinely would do it if needed. More than anything I have seen how some carers treat people and I would not want that for someone I love. I also think it is to do with generation and relationship too. My mother will get changed in front of me even now etc

My dad always said he didn't want me wiping his bum. He always looked down on people who wiped other adults bums so I'm not sure how much it was a personal thing on an intellectual snob issue.
I did, but only when he has severe dementia and was in a&e and I was his 1:1. It was easier than I expected but I have also done this professionally so I can make that separation.
He would have been uncomfortable had he known who I was... But I was uncomfortable leaving him without care.

I think this is different. I couldn’t do it for my mum, and wouldn’t want her to do it for me if anything happened to me first.
But I would 100% do it for my husband and I’d let him do it for me.
That’s still dignity, as it’s a choice

I love my mother but I won’t do the personal care.
I will pay for professional carers to do that.
I would though willingly and lovingly do personal care for my partner if he needed it.

It didn't arise but my sister and I both decided we couldn't and wouldn't do personal care for our mother.
We were greeted with, "Oh but when the time comes you'll do it because she's your mum" etc.

We didn't love her and she'd been horrible to us so we didn't owe her anything.

@bringincrazyback , I hear you. I understand you.
After my mum died (and that is an awful saga) my dad who had been operated on for a brain tumour and had lost his ability to walk and function independently came to live with me and my husband. Initially he was minimally independent but he didn’t want what little independence he had. He lent on me very heavily, he was broken both physically and especially emotionally. I feel in the three years he lived with us I lost my place as his daughter and became his carer. I regret that. I do not at all regret looking after him but I wish it could have been in such a way that it didn’t so radically change our dynamic.
I believe it is possible and ideal to care for someone without crossing that line which alters the fundamental principle of your relationship. That’s not possible however without sufficient input from professional carers (in our circumstances). I hope you find a way to remain a daughter. I wish you well x.

Thinking about it, I would contact the care company and make it crystal clear that carers should be carrying out your mum’s personal care on every visit, regardless of whether a family member is present.

They absolutely should not be questioning your boundaries or making you feel guilty. The fact that you’ve had this conversation repeatedly suggests the message isn’t being communicated to staff. A reminder from management might prevent you from having to justify yourself over and over again.

But she doesn’t get to tell you what you will do!

Totally understand OP , we have had a similar situation. It’s difficult, my mother ‘s situation was very clear it she did not want us to do any personal care and preferred help from the carer for the short time until she passed away.

I absolutely do not want my sons ever to get involved with my personal care -or would if they were daughters!
So I won’t with my mother.
Pay professionals.
I would though absolutely do the personal care if needed for my partner.

I think it’s normal to feel like that op.

I had a panic attack in the middle of a demonstration from a nurse brought in to show us how to change my elderly DM’s intimate dressings. Ugh. No way. I left it to my DB who is a bit more pragmatic and willing to (literally) get his hands dirty.

The carers you spoke to clearly haven’t had much experience with reluctant family members. Everyone I’ve spoken to in the elderly parents club has balked at intimate care, even if they rolled up their sleeves and did it, no one I spoke to did it cheerfully.

@IDreamtOfManderley ‘ i just don’t want carers’. So you have to tell her ‘I just don’t want to do this’. End it. What kind of mother insists her daughter HAS to do this??

I would literally leave them to get on with it, then crack of with work, dinner, TV or whatever you are meant to be doing. What are you paying then for otherwise?! Or is it classic sexism that as a female you need to be heavily involved?

Care staff need to ask if unsure when you’re around, and make sure it is in the notes that staff do personal care as scheduled, regardless of which family members are present at the time.

It’s honestly fine to have boundaries. We got on well but my mother would have hated me to have done her personal care.

OP - I totally get it!
Lots of others do too.
That's why you pay carers.
I also hated changing my kids nappies - some of just have other skills I guess! Xx

I suspect that she doesnt want the carers to say anything, rather than implying judgement as they currently are.

I remember phoning one of my brothers in panicky tears after our dad came out of hospital one time- the medical staff had told me he'd need personal care and I just couldn't do it. Fortunately my brother was horrified to hear they'd asked it of me and was on his way to dad's place within an hour of the phone call.

My mother expected it of me, but I drew the line at personal care and limited myself to emptying her commode, helping her undress and so on. And that was bad enough-especially given the general air of expectation.

I would never, ever expect or want my children to do it for me.