How do others manage elderly parents who rarely check their mobiles?

Bizarre! I am early 60s and all my friends on their 60s and 70s have phones, social media, use WhatsApp and AI.

God this is my parents, but the difference is mine are only mid-60s!

Both have iPhones (my old ones) and know how to use whatsapp, phone, text but not necessarily use other apps. They got rid of their landline a couple of years ago and its impossible to get hold of them now. They keep their phones in a cupboard on charge, so they don't hear if it rings. Dad basically never takes it out with him. Mum does take it with her (in case she breaks down on the way to work) but rarely answers it, or looks at it - she will look at it when she wants to contact someone, but otherwise ignores any noises it makes and assumes it must be someone else's phone constantly ringing!

Very lucky that parents help with childcare, but their inability to answer text/calls causes issues! Sometimes I need to quickly let them know DC are somewhere else/have a playdate afterschool etc. and just cannot get hold of them!

Grandmother is still alive and frail (90s) and has called parents when she's had a fall etc. or needs urgent help, only to have it ring out and parents not answer! Ambulance called instead! Thought it'd be a bit of a wake up call for my parents, but nope!

I think it’s a shame that people poo poo the usefulness of a mobile phone as a way of keeping in touch. They are a very useful tool. Ok, we managed without them before but that doesn’t mean that they don’t enhance our lives in any way. We are now able to call for help or answer a call for help immediately, without scrabbling around to find a phone box. A text can be answered when convenient so if you don’t perceive it to be urgent, you can deal with it later.

We have finally managed to get my DH’s elderly parents to keep their phones on and this has been invaluable when MiL has got lost a few times (probable dementia) and when one of them had a fall

You can't force them to use a phone for messages, or to check it regularly, so just call them, it's not difficult.

You are creating a problem where there isn't one

Does this only apply to people in their 80s, mid 60s but I don’t carry my mobile everywhere and certainly don’t check constantly for messages. I’ve told my kids and DW for that matter, that if you want me for something, try ringing rather than a message, I might actually respond to that, providing I hear it of course. Interestingly, what may seem urgent to some, often isn’t to others, notably the recepients

OK, maybe I exaggerated somewhat; but say if it were a pet or something: most cat owners would be greatly relieved for a neighbour to be able to say "Yes, Tiddles was in the garden when the fire broke out, and I'm now looking after her", rather than getting back to a plot of smouldering stubble and not having a clue whether your pet was burnt alive or is safe.

If their house is attached to yours, they may well not be very happy for you to remain blissfully unaware on holiday - especially if the fire began in your house, maybe owing to a faulty boiler or appliance, before spreading to theirs.

Apologies for any offence caused, but my comment was in response to what I initially read as referring to needy and fussy parents, rather than those with dementia and serious cognitive issues.

We'd already had numerous grumbles about parents being stubborn and causing irritations with their refusal to embrace tech in this thread; I didn't realise that this had taken a turn towards the challenges of actually caring for and having great concerns about their actual needs and health decline, rather than just being cantankerous and obstinate.

No, my parents died very long before an age where dementia might have been a likely possibility; my my FIL did have dementia.

Sorry if I caused any offence; I do sympathise greatly in cases like yours, where dementia or other serious cognitive decline is a completely different scenario from when older family members are just a bit needy and fuss about nothing.

Apologies for misconstruing what you wrote - and I'm so sorry it's been (and is) so very tough for you.

I think I was probably in a mindset of the numerous posters on MN who seem to despise their parents - and in-laws even more so - and resent them wanting any help or attention at all. Obviously your situation is completely different from that

Yes we had this with my parents and the in laws. I made sure that we knew the address and landline number of the hotel where they were staying, just in case of such a scenario as OP describes. They’re not likely to be wild camping at their age….

Have you actually asked them to -for eg - just check their phones at an agreed time,once a day? Explain why it would help you while they're away. If they don't want to,that's their decision, but do have the conversation.

A contact number for where they're staying,for emergencies only, is sensible for anyone of any age.

Oh can you imagine, Dave can you just run in and grab <thing> for me thanks love !

The whole point of a holiday is being uncontactable for a while. I love finding out WiFi and mobile signal is non existent where I'm staying.

I'll have told people where I'm staying for a genuine emergency, but aside from someone very close being very ill, what are they?

Having house maintenance done probably not qualify as an emergency that people need to be alerted to on holiday, being burgled or your house burning down....I probably would want yo know ....but what if something happened to someone in your family....?
I would hope to be contacted straight away. If I was out for the day and returned to a hotel in yhe evening, I might have missed several hours where I could have made plans, to see them, or speak to them depending on situation.

DH is quite ambivalent about his mobile - doesnt have it charged/it was on silent/he didnt hear etc...and thinks i use mine too much (I do)
...but relies on me to know flight details/check in instructions for air bnb/directions to get there/what time a place opens etc etc...all without the inconvenience of keeping his own phone charged or using it!

I'm like this and I'm likely closer to your age.

If you're keeping an eye on my house - that means if it burns down, call the fire brigade. It doesn't mean start interfering in things that you think 'need doing'. I'll deal with that thanks.

I detest phones and the attitude that I should be at the beck and call of someone who thinks every little thing is important and that I should know about it - I don't want to know thanks.

Yes, I'm a churlish antisocial whatsit and I'll probably end up Bridget Jones style dying alone, eaten by dogs (don't have dogs though - might need to get some).

That's okay with me.

Don't presume that your parents need to be 'managed', that is very patronising and you're clear they are independent.

My parents are like this, well my mum, as my dad doesn’t bother with the phone.

I don’t try and manage them. As far as I’m concerned they are adults and if there is an emergency there’ll be a way to get hold of them.

Exactly. It’s insulting that to call it ‘personal preference’ Elderly care once health fails is no joke. Especially when cognitive decline hits. And that hits at some point there it is a journey to dementia or not. Then the relentless calls start and it is really really traumatising. No one I know who has experienced this would say they ‘prefer’ this.

You'd send your neighbour into your burning house? Do you not think that might be a wee bit dangerous? Or that they might be slightly pre-occupied at the time? " Come on Susan, never mind your kids, go look in the fake cabbage in my fridge for my jewellery would you? And grab the nice picture on my dresser of our wedding, whilst youre at it" Bonkers

You don’t need to ‘keep an eye on their house‘ for ‘small maintenance issues’ - just let them deal with it when they get home.

Do you have a parent with dementia? I am starting to get the random, confused phone calls from my elderly DM. Usually wondering where my dad is (died years ago) or demanding why I haven’t been to see her to do the shopping (even though we had been shopping the day before and her fridge is full). Used to get similar phone calls from my dad but that was about his computer breaking (couldn’t remember his password).

Why dont you get your parents to write their "useful" phone contacts in a telephone book, like people used in the past.
Then you can copy the numbers into your phone.

BTW

How landlines work is being changed, due to old technology

All landlines will work via the internet

This will affect customers who have care/fall alarms & no internet.

Customers should speak to their landline provider, they will advise what needs to be changed.

My parents wouldn’t have a clue how to attach to wifi or turn on data on their mobile phones. They only ever use them in the house connected to their home wifi. If the wifi changes for some reason, they don’t know how to reconnect. They can only make audio WhatsApp calls (because it has a phone symbol) and get confused if I try to suggest they do a video call. My dad was an electrical engineer, so you’d think he’d be able to, but no. They wouldn’t dream of making an actual call on the phone. They only use their landline. They would never take the phone out of the house, so it’s not going on a holiday with them.

I understand that. I’ve been a sole carer for a parent for ten years, with zero help, and it’s broken my marriage, my life, my kids life and my own health. There are many people like me who have been traumatised by years of calls relating to trauma. I understand that your situation is different.

Again, it's personal preference; but I'd rather an elderly loved one contact me too much and have to be 'encouraged' about when to call, if possible, than that they could never contact me at all.

It's not even just for emergencies; often older people get lonely or just want the reassurance of hearing a loved one's voice or knowing that they're there. It's easy to forget the vulnerability and growing dependence on others that can come with age.

I appreciate that not everybody will have been privileged enough to have a good, mutually-loving relationship with their parents and other elderly family members; but considering that they happily put up with all of our nonsense and constantly demanding their attention (usually for pointless reasons) when we were little, I don't actually mind being there for them at this stage at all.