Things to discuss with my dad before he dies

I've been doing my family history and I realised there's a huge gap in what I know about my dad's childhood, and I wish I had asked him about it. I remember visiting his DM's cottage when I was small but none of the other relatives know where it was. So my advice would be to talk to him about his childhood, youth etc.

Clear contact details for which friends/acquaintances he wants to be notified...with details of where he knows them from/for how long etc - to work out who to send funeral details to.

This is interesting. Because
I feel It’s a celebration of their life so it should reflect their choices. It’s very interesting as when you talk to them at this stage you find out what you think they would want is not necessarily true . Also many people like my parents refused to talk about what they wanted until the v last week. It’s helpful to have an idea as siblings family may want different things . My brother wanted pure cremation ( buy one get one half price) both my parents religious so I wanted c of e at our fabulous crem .
neither mum or dad understood pure cremation and that people can’t attend your cremation.

but of course horses for courses .

passwords are useful but please be aware legally after your parent has died you cannot access anything of his . So no bank etc etc

gosh. I agree with @SmallDFartyCarNRG! It seems most practical things are pretty much sorted. And if you have access to his house can find out the rest. Why do you need to talk to him about funeral arrangements? Surely if he has not specified you know him well enough if he’d want a religious service or not. Funerals are for those left behind so just decide.
I would talk to him about how much you love him and share some memories. How you’ll take care of your mother (if still alive and they’re together). Talk about how you’ll tell your kids about the adventures you had together. The rest can be figured out afterwards.

With my granddad it was stories. He wanted to talk about his mum and dad, what his childhood was like etc. He lived a fascinating life so it was a pleasure to listen and ask questions.

Make sure you hug him, feel him, touch his hand give it a gentle massage kiss it ,
kiss his forehead.
have a record of his voice .
the human connection the feel of someone and their voice is what I miss the most.

type of service
hymns
readings
As said before personal item bequests ( written in his hand if possible)
start sorting photos if you are going to do a slide show

just been through all this . Both parents died in last 6 months. Remember grief is a roller coaster.

passwords
his life/family (believe me you won’t regret asking, but you will regret not asking.)
hymns/songs
readings
your relationship together
any recipes that are special

So sorry about your Dad. We had to deal with this last year and the most important thing we found was access passwords to any computers or phones/tablets. Emails and apps contain pretty much everything these days.

Ask about pensions, bank accounts, savings, life insurance, house insurance.

Thats about it really. Other than that spend as much time as you can, it goes quickly.

Honestly, all I wanted to speak to my dad after he died was how much I loved him.

Ask about him and his early life, forget the paperwork as you'll know everything with having POA and pensions etc will be in his bank statements.

Where did he go to school, can he remember rationing, did he know his grandparents, who was his bff at school, did he have pets - basically the small stuff that will hopefully remind him of happy times.

I posted up thread but have thought of something else. I would ask for your Dad's passwords to get into his computer. I didn't have access to my Dad's computer and have not been able to access all the photos he had from 2012 onwards when he switched from physical photos to digital ones.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult time.

If it is appropriate to your family, tell him you had a good childhood and / or talk about nice or funny memories of family life.

I think when my time comes, my daughter telling me those things would be very reassuring

My dear friend advised me to apologise to my parents, even if I thought I had nothing to apologise for! We had a normal, friendly, loving upbringing. Anyway - I did it!

And somehow, after they died, little snippets of my selfish teen self, my inconsiderate 20 something self came back from time to time - triggered largely bu my own teen/20 somethings.

I am very glad that I had called attention to the love and generosity my parents had for me by the way of an apology!

It is a difficult time OP.

Try to record some video of him talking, so you have something to remember what he sounds like.
and ask about his childhood and history, all those memories and stories will go with him.

As far as things like the funeral are concerned there may be gentler ways of discussing it, like asking about favourite songs, rather than "what songs would you like at your funeral". Another way would be to talk about your Mum's funeral, and see if he tells you what he would like to be the same or different.

I had once told my Mum that I was not going g to plan another funeral service, that i was just going to use my Dad's again. This started as a fairly frivolous comment, but led her to agreeing that she would like that. When the day came it made things very easy, same hymns, same readings, and we all felt very comfortable with it.

All the practical stuff is important, will, pensions, finances , funeral wishes etc, but possibly even more important and stuff that will be too late afterwards is the opportunity to talk about his life. When DM died, she had taken time over the preceding years to write some of her life history and told us where it was. Not overly long but contained things we would never have known or thought to ask about and some parts helped us with things like the music for her funeral. It’s amazing what you don’t actually know about our parents unless they tell you

It is down to the Executor to inform banks and private companies on death.

Yes, but there's a central form now that covers a lot of them. We used it for my stepdad 2 years ago.

Have not heard of anything other than Tell us once who only cover government departments. It is down to the Executor to inform banks and private companies on death.

If your dad is in possession of an apple iPhone ensure you know the passcode to access it or you are named by him as a legacy contact in Settings.

Tell Us Once does government stuff, there's another similar one that does most banks, pensions and other financial things. Can't remember the name of it but the bereavement department of any of his banks will be able to give you the details. The form is a bit more complex than the Tell Us Once, but it saves a lot of duplication of effort.

I was just going to say this, tell us once only covers government departments.

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through, have been there. I agree with telling him how much you love him, reminisce together and ask questions about his life before you were born. I've so many questions for my Dad, but never got chance to ask them.

A relative of mine used Tell me once - I understood it deals with national and local government services such as HMRC, benefits and state pension, DVLA, council tax, bus passes etc not banks and private pensions? She did all that separately.

I was in a similiar situation. My mum died suddenly several years ago and even now, there’s things I wished I had asked her. My dad is 80 now and not in good health but we have lots of good chats about everything from his childhood through to his hopes and dreams for me. I have asked him, ‘what can I do to make you proud?’ And being the lovely man he is, he said ‘I already AM proud’.

Also, when he’s telling me a great story, with his permission I record it on my phone. This might not be appropriate for you now but I know one day I’ll treasure these conversations.

I am aware that so many people aren’t fortunate to have good relationships with their dads so I feel grateful for mine.

I love the idea of the 4 phrases in ho'oponopono. Sums everything up at the end.

Ask him what his favourite memories are, his earliest memories and what was the last thing that made him laugh the mist

will you be selling the home? Or is it rented? If the former think about keeping the Gardner for a while to keep it tidy

also ask your dad is there anything he wants you to know, give him an easy opener in case he wants to tell you something dear to his heart

Tell him you love him (assuming you have a decent relationship)