Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

Today is D day…(decision day) I gave MIL phone number of hospital admissions and told her she had to phone them and let them know her decision then asked if she would let me know.
We then had the whole conversation loop about why she didn’t want/couldn’t have op.
I told her I wouldn’t discuss it any more and also said I was worried about her memory as she said a few, “ I didn’t know…” things about stuff we’d l
takked about. Immediately she remembered but said she didn’t mean that etc.I honestly don’t know about her cognition, at times she is sharp as a tack, but I think it’s easier for her to avoid stuff Han to admit she doesn’t understand, or even just plain doesn’t like it.
So, I will know one way or another this afternoon (I’m assuming if she doesn’t get through, or doesn’t try they will give the space to someone else anyway. Then she will say but she was going to go ahead…)
@GnomeDePlume , you are doing so amazingly well, keep looking after yourself as much as possible.
@Bweave I second the others, spare yourself the stress and tell her it can’t be done because … internet says no…
@MittensTheKittens , I hope this week is kinder towards you, you sound incredibly resilient!
To everyone here, we are all amazing and here’s to a peaceful week for us all.

My mother doesn't really understand the concept of the internet. She tells me that my brother has found things (on the net) on his phone but she doesn't know if I'll be able to get them with my phone (!).

So if you change device, or have changed recently,, it might be worth suggesting that the new device can't do all that the old one could, hence no shopping.

Thank you so much for the replies. I will tell her that they are not doing online shopping any more. I went away for the afternoon earlier today (Sunday) so that I wouldn't be cornered into shopping online for her. In mentioned to her before I left to make a list. I came home and theres no list. She just took a notion that she wants stuff. If I was to entertain her request it would be a case of just wandering aimlessly around a website/online shop. Whenever I go shopping, I know what I am looking for and I am on a mission. I really think it's an extension of the OCD spell and the increased intensity of the OCD spell.

I feel so bad lying but I think I have to do it.

@Bweave absolutely lie to her.
Tell her the shop no longer has an online presence.
She won't know any better and it'll save your sanity.

@Bweaveit’s totally ok to have boundaries and not engage with these behaviors. You know what she is like. You have a busy job. It’s not reasonable for more and 1 hour a day to be spent on this. Yes I think you lie. It’s to protect her and also you.

If she had a list, she won't give it to me to source because she wants to maintain control and talk me through her list and have me show her online.

Whatever is on her list she would be able to get it locally in the village too but she just wants me to shop online for her.

Can I get some advice please. My mother never learned how to use computers or smartphones or the internet. She did eventually learn that the internet is a big place and there's a thing now called online shopping. Over the years she would request for me to help her with online shopping. She only really started from about 2018 getting me to help her with online shopping. So she would get me to put it on my laptop and I navigate it all and I show her.

These shopping sprees have turned into an absolute nightmare. I remember incidents where it would drag on and on. Where she would want me to explore the offer pages before showing her anything. I can remember an online shopping browse there last for two whole days over the course of a weekend. Another time she settled on a dress out of stock and then wanted me to check it several times a week to see if it was in stock again and it went on for months. She did not care about me, my schedule or my health. She even started building a vision of what she wanted with the out of stock dress and she wanted a matching jacket, shoes and handbag even though it wasn't a co ord.

It's all just been a night mare all in all helping her do on like shopping.

A few years ago I began to become concerned for cognitive decline. It's not just about obsessive shopping stuff online and a lack of empathy for me. It's not that. It's a range of other stuff and executive functioning issues. I do think of dementia as a possibility but it's impossible to get a diagnosis to gain help and support. It seems as if the medical professionals would like to see a medical crisis with her before they intervene and give a dementia diagnosis.

Yesterday out of the blue she said that she would like to do another online shop. This time for an online pound shop. I did a shop a few years ago for her. It went on for hours at the time because she wanted to examine every category and department.

I now know not to reason with her because she's like a toddler and I can't tell her no and the reason is the shopping browsing can go on for hours and I don't have the time.

I considered setting an alarm for an hour but I suspect that might not go down well and she will only just argue when the time is up.

I live with her so I can't escape her.

I can't do this. I asked her to make a list but she won't make a list. She became snarly at me saying she doesn't know what they have. She already said she wants a particular item and I checked on my phone and they don't have it and she will only just argue with me and make me search for it anyways in front of her because she will want to see it.

If I owned a car, I could take her shopping but I can't afford a car.

My job can be demanding sometimes even working for 2 or 3 weeks solid before getting a day off so days off are rare and taking her shopping isn't a great either due to my energy levels being so depleted. I did take her shopping a few weeks ago and it was migraine stuff.

The fact that she can't even give me a list tells me it's not too urgent.

I am considering lying to her and saying they stopped online shopping. She likely won't know. However I feel so guilty. If there is anything on her list, I can get it with Tesco more than likely.

She has been engaged with increased OCD over the past week. She never experienced OCD before. My understanding of OCD is that OCD is a need to do something because of a feeling something isn't right. It's more anxiety based. My mother OCD is something else. It's more of a intensive loop to clean and do something and it's so hard to redirect her. Anyways there is intense cleaning spells and ocd and I think the online shopping stuff is cleaning stuff or loo block stuff or things to satisfy some cleaning or whatever. I don't know.

I also observed over the past few months as well that I can't really provide her with too much options any more or she doesn't tolerate too much. So online shopping, she will just become overwhelmed.

Do I lie to her? Do I tell her the shop isn't doing online or home delivery any more. It's unlikely she will be able to get into a physical shop any time soon. Or will I like and blame my bank card as an issue and I need to go to the bank to sort that out.

I feel so guilty.

Another Sunday and another pointless afternoon spent with DM. I think it was @rookiemere who said it was time spent just marking the decline. This is very much how I feel.

I didnt visit last week and I wont be there next week. DGCs are a much stronger pull. DB doesnt approve as to him DM is the priority. However he knows that he cant say anything.

DB2 is conspicuous only by his absence. Cant say I blame him, DB1 has spent his life being spiteful towards him and turning DM against him. Why should DB2 bother with DM now?

Been to visit, she's much less confused.
Still not convinced she knows where she is and why.
But, maybe a 7/10 which is an improvement on 10/10 yesterday.

The less confused old ladies were going to start a riot for cake at one point this afternoon. They're quite good fun, but one has been sent to another ward and one was going home. 😁

Does anywhere sell petite pajamas?

Stay strong @MysterOfwomanY

Hoorah for MysterofwomanY. Grab yourself a rosette and a cocktail. Absolutely the right response.

Had a phone call from the hospital today where they told me in detail all that I'd seen with my own eyes when I visited yesterday.

Apparently she'd said "to ring me" about arranging care when she's discharged.

I was civil but flatly refused to start a game of Chinese Whispers between the discharge team and her care company.
The discharge team are professionals in assessing care needs and she is right there in front of them.
The care company are professionals and know her well.
She has capacity, more money than she could ever spend, and can pay for whatever she needs or wants.

Like ... And I said this to the ?nurse? ... I think she is engaging in magical thinking where if someone else who is not a medical or care professional and lives two counties away is looped in, they can somehow "make it all better".

So I was polite, but given she didn't explain why it would actually make sense...held at a No. Discharge team and care company confer, sort it out, she pays, happy days.

Oh no @MittensTheKittens! Sending get well wishes and a large cranberry based virtual cocktail…

@MysterOfwomanY
Sorry! I didn't manage to set off an involuntary eye twitch amongst the group.

Lol @MittensTheKittens I think you've just triggered the whole thread [cue thousand yard stare]

Fluids and IV antibiotics and a ward full of old ladies who've been picked up by the paramedics.

@MittensTheKittens that’s so scary. Delirium is terrifying because it comes on so suddenly, but it can go just as quick especially when treated quickly.
i hope you can have some food and rest.
Thinking of you.

Looks like delirium from a UTI 😩
I'm exhausted and hungry.

@funnelfan I always use the rule of thumb, "if one of the blokes I" (used to) "work with did this, would I think they were being a dick?" as a sanity check. The expectations for women are higher but men are still, by and large, expected to not let their old ma die in a pool of blood and urine.

@MittensTheKittens BALLS. Sorry.

My ER has been going, "I really thought I was going home today!".
I said, "was this a doctor breezing past going, 'We might send you home tomorrow!', or was it someone from the discharge team asking for the number of your care company?"

As we all know, the doctors words mean little, hospital discharge is a world of madness, and it is either dangled in front of the patient for days, or sprung on them at teatime, or both!

"Maybe they want to talk to you about me having two carers, I said I wanted two carers..."

I pointed out that they don't need me for any of that. She's got a capacity & a mahoosive pile of cash, and tbh if she wants the blooming Chippendales to make her breakfast - she can afford it!

We were there for well over 2 hours. And spent a good quarter of an hour talking with one of the nurses - ER's pain patch was removed but no new one put on, so the nurse did a diligent but dignified hunt about ER's person to check the new one hadn't just gone walkabout then said she'd sort a new one with the doctors.

Not a dicky bird said to us about discharge.

"Could you do a grocery shop..." . Well, we don't know when she is going home; Waitrose deliver next day; she has a good stock of cupboard and freezer staples; and there is an M&S Food by the exit, open until 8pm...so no.

I have however got a new bag of cat food. The lovely neighbours are feeding the cat ♥️.

I have left her with a new box of chocs (on top of the double chocolate cookie we brought up with us).

Fingers crossed no emergencies as we're going away for 4 days next week!

I have left it a day, did not mention it at all on our daily phonecall. Tomorrow I will give her the admissions clerk number and tell her she has to phone them on Monday once she’s made her mind up and then tell me what she has decided. I hope they will be quite brisk with her, and if she dithers about, will just tell her to decide as they need the operation space. I will probably phone them myself as well just to check she’s done it, although quite what I’ll do if she hasnt Im not sure.
My daughter tells me she was upset on the phone to her today about it, saying she’s scared and won’t be able to get up the stairs after or use the toilet etc, but I’m afraid that is a fact of her life I have been trying to persuade her about for quite some time and to get it sorted while she was still able. But I was just being pessimistic and ignored. My DD is much blunter than me and told MIL she was being selfish and should be thinking about the others she was hurting with her refusal to help herself so who knows, maybe tomorrow will see a change of heart…not holding my breath tho.
I must admit loss of capacity is something which has been on my mind for ages, but actually, I think this refusal to see consequences is a lifetime habit, maybe just becoming more pronounced with age.
Thank you all for the solidarity, it helps me more than I can say, it’s quite a lonely road this at times, so cocktails or mocktails for all!

@JeffLebowski my own opinion is that recognising the head v heart conflict is happening, and that the situation is causing you problems, is a massive first step in working out how to deal with it. I hope you have success with your counselling. It helped me enormously, although it didn’t feel like it at the time. It may also have helped that I am now through menopause and IDGAF is a new mantra. I have accepted I’m not able to fix everyone else, and in fact it’s not healthy for me to think I can in the first place.

There are times I do ask myself “am i a complete witch?” at a muted emotional reason to a problem someone else has (eg DH or DB), but I always come to the conclusion I’m fine. It’s not my problem to solve, I can be sympathetic and supportive without launching into action like I used to.

Oh shit.
What's happening?
Solidarity and virtual gin on way.

Perhaps I should be more cynical 🙄😤 re assessment for capacity.
I know as far as mine are concerned that sheer bloody mindedness, blithe lack of self awareness and ability to argue black is white probably do amount to plenty of capacity yet…

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!
A Saturday in A&E.