Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

Deep sympathy to you, @Exhaustedpickle . It's a good idea to turn the phone off, or to block your mum, if you know that the care home will contact you if necessary. You can always unblock her for an hour or so, morning and afternoon, so that she can sometimes get through, which might minimise accusations that you're avoiding her!

This scenario is, thankfully, one I'm likely to avoid. My DM's eyesight is too poor to see to dial my number. She has my brother dials all calls for her. I've suggested that she needs to be able to call independently if there's an emergency and he's not in. But my suggestions - a giant keypad phone, setting up speed dialling, programming Alexa to access her call list and respond to her instructions for this - have all been ignored. Just like all my other suggestions. What do I know? -- nothing. It's not just inaction from her - I could understand if she can't work out how to institute the necessary changes - but my siblings haven't done anything about it either.

There is truly nowt so queer as family dynamics. But at least I'm not swamped with phone calls!!

Thank you for your kind words @rookiemere I think you are spot on that sod all with be what comes back from the care home but I will ask anyway.

My DM is on medication for depression and anxiety but perhaps they could get her additional support.

I am considering booking a holiday with DH and the DC for October half-term, just so I have an excuse to turn my phone off for a week.

Can I join you please? I'm in need of some tea and sympathy and a nice sit down.

My Mum contacted me 15 times yesterday - from afternoon until 9pm at night. Seven of them were mistakes, voice recordings without any content, but it adds to the feeling of relentlessness.

She's in a care home and very unhappy but she doesn't have dementia so could choose not to do this.

She had a minor upsetting incident and called me in floods of tears (I had missed an earlier call) saying she didn't want to bother family with it so had rung a friend after I didn't pick up. So apparently she DID want to bother the family with it. And she rang me again anyway so why lie about not wanting to bother family with it?! I asked when the incident had happened and she said "just now", despite the first (missed) call being three hours earlier so another alternative fact there.

Urgh. Sorry, I'm probably not making much sense but I just feel so defeated by it all.

Sending tea or gin for those dealing with similar.

Yay, new thread.

Things are relatively okay-ish around here. Mum's dog has managed to escape several times and Mum hardly ever answers her phone (because she won't wear her hearing aids and so doesn't hear it unless it's right beside her) so there was some trouble getting her back home. Mum's lovely neighbour has circulated the dog's photo on the neighbourhood WhatsApp so hopefully she can be returned if she gets found again.

Mum has had a little flurry of signing up to stuff that I or DB have to cancel. She has the executive processing ability to phone and give her credit card for things like holidays but when DB sees the email confirmation he can then cancel. She almost never remembers that she had ordered stuff or booked the holiday so she doesn't really care that it gets canceled.

That’s very kind of you.

I’ve been quite ok, and not really grieving in the same way I did for Dad or even MiL. It been noted that I’m very matter of fact and even on the day of the funeral I only had two brief emotional moments. I really think the support I’ve had here to various bouts of ranting and worry has prepared me - along with the advance grieving that comes with the various forms of dementia and cognitive decline.

I just feel relief - I’m one of the fortunate ones on here in mostly having had a good relationship with my mum and I do miss her, but as she was before Dad died. I don’t miss the very frail and confused version of recent years.

Apart from the paperwork, the one thing I must do is refocus myself and my life. And not drift. I remember the conversations I had with mum after her mum died and asked her what she was going to do with all the time she got back, and reminding her all the things she’d said she wanted to do when she was deep in grandma-wrangling. She did none of it in the end, and didn’t even pick back up her old interests and I don’t think it did her any good in the long term.

@funnelfan always grateful for your support and wisdom on these threads. It’s so useful to hear from those who have trodden the path ahead of us.

Thanks for the new thread, I’ll keep checking in even though I’ve now “graduated”, and hand round the drinks/snacks and plump up the cushions.

DB and I have a plan for probate - I’ll do it online and he can co-sign from abroad as long as he has an internet connection. The only asset of any note is the house and we’re getting a surveyor to do a probate valuation so it should be straightforward (she says). Then when we get probate granted we’ll get a solicitor to do the legalities for him buying me out of the house so that’s all above board.

i was quite chilled until I opened today’s post to find a letter from HMRC demanding income tax from mums estate, some going back to 23/24 tax year. I’m afraid my immediate reaction ended in “off” and the secondary reaction was that they can jolly well show me their working out rather than just send me a bill.

Just marking my spot for the moment, thank you @rookiemere . Another visit to DMum ended up with me trying to leave and her begging me to stay till she'd done this, then done that (none of which I could help with), me getting impatient and saying I needed to go and her screaming at me that she might as well just kill herself, and that I'd be one my own one day and see how awful it is, all this in front of DD. She's not even totally alone, DDad (who is an absolute sweetheart) is in a nearby home. Not sure how much more of this I'm up for.

@GnomeDePlume Unfortunately I think you're right about Brother absorbing Mum's assets. In principle it's of no consequence to me if he's prepared to be her carer- my plan would be to sell her house and use all her assets to pay for residential care at the appropriate time and I've never assumed any inheritance anyway. My worry is that either a) it all goes wrong but there's no money left to pay for care and brother refuses to move out and sell the house or b) they manage but they burn through her savings and come looking to me to prop up their funding or take over the carer role. The idea of Mum paying living costs in exchange for care sounds reasonable in theory but for years now the running costs for her (large) home have been more than her income and household expenses will be much higher with a full family living there.

To answer your question re me being portrayed as having abandoned them- I think this will be what Brother tells the few extended family members and very old friends of Mum's that are still in touch, plus HCP, social services and Mum's neighbours. None of it any consequence to me, except that if/when things go wrong I suspect some of them will be in touch to tell me it's my turn to 'step up'.
I've also withdrawn a lot since it's become apparent that Brother is in control. I've had to for my own sanity. When the series of crises that led us here first starter I dropped everything to be with Mum and there were months when I, DH or both were with her pretty much 24/7. When it became obvious that she actually had long-term care needs I told her and Brother that I could only continue doing this whilst we got a proper care plan in place. That didn't go down well at all

@rookiemere I totally get you on visits being a chore to be got through.

At least for me they are now less stressful. DM is now unable to leave her bed and lives in a mostly pleasant dream world. Better than when I would find her in tears or furious about some imagined slight.

@bigdogpaws yes, my DB sees himself as the 'DM whisperer'. Anything which differs from his rules on how DM should be cared for is deemed 'harsh' or 'uncaring'.

I suspect your DB is planning to do what my DAunt did to my DGM. Slowly absorb all her assets. No malice intended of course.

To whom will you be portrayed as having abandoned your DM?

I'm afraid as DB got more and more control over DM, I mattered less and less to her. Looking back I slowly withdrew.

@GnomeDePlume Glad to hear you've had a nice weekend with DD/DGD. Here's to many more!

I wonder if it's common for difficult family dynamics to come to a head when elderly parents need help? For all our adult lives my Brother has been competing for the title of 'person who knows and represents our parents best'. He can be very charming with people who seem to back this up but is incredibly rude to/about everyone else. I don't think anyone else is aware of the competition but I'm sure it has put people off spending time with them and now the only people in Mum's life are me, B and a had full of friends and family who back up B's narrative. He views me as having an easy life, and always having everything handed to me on a plate (of course, this is not at all true). B has decided, and promised Mum, that she will never have paid carers or residential care. Since I disagree, and won't commit myself to sharing full time caring indefinitely I am badged as the Bad Daughter (I have offered to organise carers or residential care which apparently makes me even worse) and B is gradually trying to push me out.

Currently I am useful, as I deal with all Mum's every increasing medical appointments, household admin/finances and general 'mental load' duties. So my occasional presence in Mum's life is being endured. B is now planning to move his family in with Mum and stop work to look after her (apparently she will pay for all the household running costs so he can afford to do this) and wants LPA so that he can deal with finances etc. I'm becoming increasingly sure that he plans to make it as hard as possible for me to visit. Whilst Mum can use her phone, I will be able to arrange to visit when he is out and/or take her out but she's finding her phone increasingly difficult. I'm having to get my head around the idea that if/when I lose that ability to communicate with Mum without B as 'gatekeeper' I will lose all contact with her. My relationship with my family has been difficult in many ways but it's not easy to get used to the fact that you may be prevented from seeing a parent in their final years, and may not even get to know when they pass. The only alternative to this seems to be to agree to 'share' full time care of DM (moving her in with me for a month at a time, on rotation with B was his initial suggestion) and I'm just not prepared to do that. I suspect it may all go wrong (B seems to have very little idea of what sort of care is likely to be needed as Mum's condition progresses and no interest in finding out) but if that happens I suspect it will be portrayed as my fault for 'abandoning' them.

DB started gatekeeping access to DM after DF died 30+ years ago. It got worse in the last 10 years. Visit DM and DB would turn up (he moved to live round the corner). DB's arrival would then be a signal that I was supposed to leave.

Phone calls had to be arranged around DB's visits. No casual phoning for a chat as DB might turn up.

DB is still gatekeeping access to DM now. Except that there is no connection so he is gatekeeping an attraction we dont particularly want to visit.

Thank you for the new thread @rookiemere

All sympathy for anyone having to live through this stage with an elderly relative.

No visit to DM this week. Instead visiting DD/DSiL and enjoyed lots of cuddles with 6w DGD. I'm afraid I didnt feel guilty.

DB was going to try to get other DB to visit in my stead but I dont think that happened. DB is paying the price for excluding other DB and me from DM's life for the last 30 years. DM knew he was doing it but didnt want to do anything about it for fear of DB's reaction.

Family dynamics keep being replayed but the cast of characters is reducing. DB has gone through his life feeling smugly superior. Thinking he has made 'better' choices. Now there are fewer people to feel superior to, just other DB and me. Except we arent really interested.

I'll have the same, with marshmallows on the top, please.

And a whole packet of magic calorie-free chocolate biscuits.

Thanks for the new thread @rookiemere .

Well I have booked a cheap hotel in DMs home town for the end of this month.

I spoke with her on the phone before doing so; it appears she's walking a mile or more most days (I have no reason to disbelieve this) so should be able to get out to meet us or to be taken somewhere for lunch.

I haven't yet told her I'm visiting and asked if she actually wants to meet up. I'm banned from visiting her at home but I hope that doesn't extend to local cafes etc. I'm actually quite anxious about telling her - I don't think she'll say that she doesn't want to see me but I can't be sure about that. Since she's got a gold medal in passive aggression, I don't think she'd say so out loud, she'd just make the visit very miserable for me!!

I plan to ring her at the end of the week and ask her if she'd like to see me. Wish me luck. Isn't it crazy, and sad, that we should have to be anxious about rejection from our parents even when we are ourselves of pensionable age?!

Mum's decline continues at pace. I didn't see her for 3 days this week as away and she was noticeably thinner and "not in the room". She's eating hardly anything but was drinking last thing I heard but I suspect that has dwindled too. Will get an update tomorrow but she seems to be actively dying, if that's a thing. It's so sad and ghastly. DSis and I are due to go away for a week in 2 weeks. I'm not sure we'll feel we can go if mum is still here. We were both there when dad died and would like to do the same for mum. I've a feeling she'll go in her sleep anyway though so we wouldn't get the call.

Siddling in for a seat on the bad DIL’s bench and a cup of fortifying tea. The long off ramp (as I think someone called it) is continuing,
MiL is now on “respite” in a nice care home… we’re waiting on a vacancy in one that is just as nice but also does nursing care, as that’s where things are headed. The house is slowly being cleared, mammoth job and very sad - very seasonal/topical I guess!

She’s now moved on from the more amusing hallucinations to some that are quite sinister and heeby-geeby inducing - a woman in black, just standing outside her window all day… She’s only fairly lucid midday now, but is eating well, so at least she’s getting enjoyment from that. Still “packing her bags” and getting ready to go home though…

Passing metaphorical , and courage around…

@Choconuttolata that sounds like a nightmare x

@MotherOfCatBoy it definitely is a symptom of cognitive decline in his case too, memory clinic appointment finally this month after waiting since February.

DF has hard floors, but manages to miss the commode and then you can't see it on the floor so it is a falls risk too. Also be careful with stepping down stairs onto hard floors if they have vision problems, DF found it hard to see the difference in floor surface between the bottom step and hallway floor so we had to put something on the floor near the edges so he could see the difference. The other alternative is a different colour floor to the stairs.

@EmotionalBlackmail I need to figure out how to do the do not disturb setting properly because last time I tried that his call still got through and woke me up at midnight when I had to be up for work at 6am the next day 🤦

<Hands round Cadbury Twirls to use as straws for hot chocolate 🫕 🍫 ☕> NB just bite the top and bottom off 😋

I put hard flooring in DMs bedroom last year. No regrets. It’s pretty nonslip - this was one of the criteria. The other thing to be wary of is the transitional area in doorways - going from hard floor to carpet for example. Someone on here pointed out that hospitals and care homes in general have washable floors.

I’d love a rich belgian hot choc with double cream please @EmotionalBlackmail ☕️🍫🍪

Oh god MIL has had dementia for around 7 years from first real symptoms. She’s been in a home this last year as it got too much for DIL to cope with even with carers.
It’s so depressing. She has a lit of visitors, but going out and about is too stressful for her to manage lately… this is a woman who has traveled the world in retirement… I hate the place and I know she would objectively. She was a huge larger than life character and I miss her. Just keep wondering how long this living prison will likely continue….

Sending hugs to everyone dealing with elderly parents at the latter stages. It’s fucking grim 💔