Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

That sounds like a very normal and sensible coping mechanism to me

@GnomeDePlumejust a thought re the diabetes treatment- dependent on what type of diabetes, you might want to reconsider, as you really don’t want to go into diabetic ketoacidosis, it’s awful. Just something to consider x

I think it's fine to ask. They likely have a default one for residents without family support or if eg family are abroad and a resident dies unexpectedly. I asked at DDad''s home and they said they are happy to make a note of a family preference. My parents booked slots at an eco burial ground a few years ago, I called them up and asked which ones they worked with regularly and then gave three of them a ring for a chat (this was when Dad had a bad turn and lost three siblings/ILs in a month which focussed my mind, he's ok again at the moment). I then made a note of which one I preferred. I also went to the burial ground to have a look at their options for holding service/wake there, it is in the middle of nowhere of course and logistics on the day could be complicated especially in winter. It's all I can do for now but I feel better for having some plans ready.

Before, I kept getting sucked into anxiety spirals by text, me trying to explain things and reassure was just making mum worse and worse and inevitably the discussions got heated. Now I try not to respond for a couple of hours in the hopes that she puts her phone down and does something else and it does seem to help. But not every time, sometimes I find a whole string of more and more frantic texts. Problem is mine is still at home, alone, so I might miss a genuine emergency, she's the boy that cried wolf.

What @Eclipsing said re morphine. My dad and FIL both suffered severe hallucinations on morphine. Luckily for dad he could tolerate low doses but FIL couldn't at all. And with bone metastases you need whatever pain relief works.

A word of warning - I wouldn't put "no pain relief other than morphine" into an AD. Morphine may not be available; it may not be suitable; you might get s/effects worse than the pain, etc etc.

It might be better to put in something like "appropriate pain relief as required", then you would still get something (which might even be morphine). Otherwise you could even find yourself in a position of not receiving analgesia because someone decrees that morphine isn't appropriate, and you have in advance refused all other forms of analgesia.

Thanks @ElderlyDilemmas my DSis gets lots of calls too, amazingly, my DB not so much!

I think slowing the flow is a good idea, I'm probably too quick to respond.

Basically yes, I also have the option of deflecting to DB sometimes depending what it's about. Leaving several hours to reply to texts slows down the flow, as does declining calls sometimes. Oh and I have her texts muted and check them in my own time
rather than being pinged. If I answer I sometimes tell a white lie (I'm working, I'm out somewhere) to escape otherwise I can be on the phone for an hour (she's forgetful and deaf so a lot of repetition).

Morning fellow café patrons. For those of you with DP who don't have dementia, what do you do to maintain your boundaries and how do you stop them repeatedly being crossed?

I'm thinking of things like what time of day it's reasonable to call someone, how many times etc.

Is it just a case of reiterating ad nauseum and/or ignoring some of the calls?

If dementia is likely to be my fate I want out as quickly as possible. I am working on the wording for my Advanced Directive. If I no longer have capacity I do not want to be given any medical treatment other than morphine for pain.

This means that all my 'management' treatments for my various conditions should stop (warfarin, diabetes treatment, thyroxin). No ABs. No flu/covid jabs.

I have talked about this with DH and DCs. They are on board with it.

Wills are done, next stop is LPAs then AD.

Yes, I think it’s more realistic to put some thought into what type of care home, than a refusal to acknowledge that one might be necessary at some point.
One of my elderlies recognised this and chose the home they wanted to go into. Did all the research and sorted out the details, just requiring help with the moving and house sale. That made it a lot easier. And that was an amazing care home. But then they didn’t have children so couldn’t make the assumption that a daughter would deal with everything whilst they stuck their head in the sand!

I’m highly likely to end up in one as well, I think. I don’t want my DC running around after me and I definitely don’t want to be isolated at home with a few carers coming in during the day to microwave freezer meals and someone having to take responsibility for running the house.

We have wills and POAs in place. I've told the boys that my I want to be cremated and funeral should be the cheapest that they feel comfortable but if they have a proper service I want "galloping home" as one of the music peices. I've told them that I don't want them sacrificing their lives to care for me and that if the need arises I want a care home with nice grounds where I can look at trees and plants not a bare concrete patio but if I'm stuck in a room I want pot plants and one of those bird feeders you can stick on the window. I'd find a life without nature intolerable.

Re the list of things to be clear about with loved ones when you are well, in preparation for when you are not. I think views on care, including care homes/other forms of care/what stage you would like that care etc are definitely useful. But I think if you have a strong view about not going in to a care home at any stage you really need to provide plans for (and prepare funds for) an alternative eg. live in carers if he time comes when you can't manage independently.

@MotherOfCatBoy too late for us to use it but I recently found a local extreme cleaner on Facebook who is ex-military and takes on the kind of cleaning we needed (would not be phased by the rotting broccoli/compost obsession - which I recognise!) I hope you can find someone like that even if it’s to get to a baseline which a regular cleaner can manage 🤞

Welcome to those joining us in the cafe 🥂

Champagne by and chips - fantastic! Welcome @Notagainagaindd

Visited DPs yesterday. The lady from the Telecare company was waiting for me so she got the base unit installed and talked to Dad about wearing the pendant, and tested it. He’s fallen several times in the last fortnight and struggles to get up. Neighbours are mostly elderly and I’m an hour away. The call centre don’t send a team but can talk to the person and call an ambulance if necessary. Dad baulked at this bit - he doesn’t want to go to hospital so there was much explaining that as long as he wasn’t badly hurt, they’d get him upright and go away again. Of course I worry that he might get badly hurt. And he said “your mother wouldn’t like it, she’d die of shame.” Which just shows how abusive and selfish she’s been to him all these years, she’s got him well trained. Better to die to shame than pneumonia, I told him. I actually wonder whether he’ll hear the base unit anyway, even though it’s loud he’s now very deaf. His hearing has got a lot worse in the last year.

(Though in my innermost heart I do wonder whether a fall, hospital and pneumonia might not be the best thing now; at 98, he’s very frail and starting to lose it cognitively. It’s only downhill from here.)

He’s also told his GP about it so the Falls Team delivered another walking frame yesterday (one upstairs, one down), but no one has been to the house to do an assessment. I don’t think he’s safe at home anymore but as we all know, only a serious fall will prove that.

DM as mad as ever, had another argument with me yesterday about rotten broccoli. Desperate to keep it so it can go in the compost, which would be fine but what she actually does is leave it near the back steps where it goes rotten - she wants to obsessively cut it up into small pieces but forgets and leaves it so it rots.

Will approach cleaners again next week and see if they’ll come despite the state of the house. Not sure anyone wants that kind of work but it’s that or do it myself and im not doing that.

Hello, can I join in and get a round in? I’m thinking magical ice cold vintage champagne that won’t get you drunk! As I think you/ we, all need a jolt good boost and a treat. I cannot imagine how you all handle this stuff with such patience and grace.
💐to everyone.
and thank you for all the practical tips . It’s mad, you can talk freely about the kinkiest stuff yet death or getting old is sooo taboo.
cheers. Another bottle coming up, and some chips x

@rookiemere thank you for the new post. Any gin on that tea trolley?? 🤞🤞
@bigdogpaws I'm sorry your family is forcing you out. It must be horrendous for you.
Sending hugs 💐🙏💕

@Eclipsing there was a lot of psyching up for me as I never knew quite what I would find (in the house or with our Dad) - so solidarité and well done for that result on the call and for a manageable visit. I know there will be more courage needed for the actual visit but I know you’ll feel glad you made the effort, however it turns out 🍸
I look back and think how glad I am for efforts I made, even though some were extremely hard at the time.

The wheels of the probate office are turning very slowly here but with property sold a few years ago to pay for care, it seemed straightforward to apply ourselves. I do worry there’s something wrong with the application but I don’t think they’ve even looked at it yet and it’s just in a backlog.

Well, I plucked out great bucketloads of courage, rang my mother and after 10 minutes of chat, suggested to her that we (OH and I) might visit and take her out for lunch or a coffee etc. I specifically said that we would not go to the house, as I reminded her that she had made her feelings very clear on that and I felt that she knew my feelings too.

(resume - She has previously banned me from visiting as she my "disapproval of how she chooses to live" makes her so anxious and depressed (allegedly). I would prefer not to visit, not because I disapprove but because the state of the place distresses me).

I had been trying to prepare for the eventuality that she would refuse - but she said that would be lovely! So I'll be seeing her again for the first time in about 10 months.

Whatever else you can say about the situation, I just find it very sad that I have to psyche myself up to even suggest it, and psyche myself up a lot more to actually get there and see her.

Wise words @bigdogpaws

I would say, it's better to make one of the main beneficiaries an executor with the proviso that they are welcome to pay a solicitor to do the bits they're not up to, than make a solicitor the executor, because then it will take AGES and the beneficiaries will be in the dark. IME.

I outright refuse to be co-executor with any solicitor after seeing what happened in a relative's case. YMMV of course but it's no skin of a solicitor's nose if it drags on, but if the executor has engaged them they can sack them too, if they slack off.

Anyway VERY wise words!

...

Have just been down to see my rellie. Rather worryingly, she was sat in her chair barely responding at first. I called 111 and they promised a GP callback. By the time we'd got to this stage, she'd perked up quite a bit and said she hadn't slept well last night. So the fact there has been no callback as yet, weeellll meh. And where was the lunchtime carer I wonder (they're normally fine fwiw).

We (me and DH, who was fielding texts while I was away for a couple of weeks) are a bit worried still, mind.

But I fed and medicated her and she just seems very sleepy (and maybe a mild infection) so we'll see. DH said he wouldn't be surprised if it all goes bad, and she ends up in hospital next week, and I do know what he means... but with the frail over 80s it can go either way.

I actually have nothing against a care home for myself, provided it's a good one. There is one on my road and I drove past during the summer and they had an ice-cream van parked out front and they were walking the residents out to choose their own ice-creams, so on that very slim evidence alone I'm assuming that to be a good one that takes some effort to offer enrichment. Also I've heard that it's in the region of €100k per year so it bloody ought to be good. The worry that I have about a care home is that they might keep me alive when I should be let die. I'll have an advanced care directive, but the tendency is to over treat because no-one ever gets sued or prosecuted for keeping someone alive.