Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

I remembered the other day that my Dad said to me (during Covid) "you're Mum is depressed, it's your job to make her happy" and I just thought WTF? How can that be MY job on top of raising two children, working etc. I said I wasn't taking that on and he just laughed but I think they have always seen me as having that role. And the emotional tax is huge, you're so right.

@EmotionalBlackmail My Mum has never had a problem with counselling surprisingly. I signed her up for bereavement counselling (with her permission) and she was okay with it. She doesn't think it works but I think she finds it cathartic to talk to someone professional. If it's any consolation, it doesn't stop her making everyone else miserable!

@rookiemere I'm sorry the GP wouldn't prescribe anything for your Mum. What harm could it do?

@Eclipsing it sounds like you have done everything in your power. Some people just genuinely don't want to be helped. I hope you're okay.

There are so many frustrating stories on here of DP refusing help or saying an ill-equipped member of the family will support them and those with the power to actually do something just take it at face value. Do you think they are knowingly sending people away without support because adult social care is under such strain or do you think they believe the stories they are being told?

@rookiemere That sort of review is exactly the kind of thing I'd love them to do for my ER though. She is still very capable of having wants and aspirations, but her personality disorder prevents her from expressing them or engaging with support to achieve them, and instead pushes her into fight mode all the time.

If only someone would listen to the meaning behind the words, rather than just taking her words at face value! She's not "just" angry, she's sad and frightened and lonely. She desperately wants a different life, but her PD just forces her to sabotage any efforts anyone else makes to help her and she doesn't have the functioning to do it alone. None of us, family or Social Care have the expertise to go "underneath" the personality disorder and access "her" directly, and she won't engage with psych services who might do....

The twist is that I used to be safeguarding lead at work! And now that I'm in the other side, no-one listens or believes me!

Oh god, retyping the horrors of the post heart attack situatio has made me feel quite upset. I've obviously buried it.

And it was a couple of months after that that she banned me from going to the house as my disapproval upset her.

I've had to withdraw for my own sanity.

My sister and I had thought that only a major crisis would allow us to change anything so when the heart attack happened we thought the time had come.

But the hospital admitted her, put a stent in, and she was home 36 hours later! I pleaded with them not to chuck her out but they just said, Well, what help have you organised? NONE! BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN US ANY TIME! She was a frail, wobbly 92 year old with a heart attack but they said there wasn't a single free bed in the whole building to keep her. I even got my brother to come to the ward and rehearsed telling them that he wasn't able to help but no, home she went.

So the emergency SW team got involved (a couple of weeks later) but they explained they were only for crisis intervention. When they withdrew, she got rid of the carers they arranged, announced there was nothing wrong with her heart, she'd just overheated was all, and here we are.

So, tragic though it is, I think that the only way out of this problem is a one-way ticket to the afterlife. That sounds terrible but I can't see any other way.

And she might want my approval but obviously I can't give it.

@rookiemere has the GP actually seen your DM in person?

My DM's GP very, very seldom makes an actual appearance at the CH. Instead there is a weekly phone call from CH to surgery. This isnt always done by the nurse. Messages get diluted hugely.

Even if the GP does make an appearance it is never more than a fleeting visit. Probably so that he can tick a box somewhere.

Well it's all rapidly going to 💩again.... Elderly relative (ER) completely refuses to engage with social workers (to the point the ward staff and hospital security have had to get involved). They want to reassess capacity but can't while she's so aggressive. So now they're saying ER is too complex for the older adults ASC team, but geripsych won't see her as she's not got classic dementia, and adult MH won't see her as she has no diagnosis and refuses to engage. Our last chance is that they're commissioning an independent MCA advocate who might be able to build up a relationship, but it's unlikely.

So round we go again! She'll be discharged from all services because they don't want to deal with her, probably found to have regained capacity so then she'll fire her carers and she'll sit at home drinking until her neighbours call the police again. I don't understand how everyone can wash their hands of someone just for being "complex". I've worked with "complex" in children, and we fight to the bitter end, but clearly not for elderly people......

@Eclipsing That must be so frustrating for you and sounds like there's nothing more you could sensibly do.

I can completely sympathise. We are in a situation where it's clear that DM really needs some sort of residential care (one or 2 HCP who have got to know the situation better have said as much, so it's not just me) but whilst DM and Brother say she's fine and the answer to every question is 'my son does that for me' no one is going to force the issue.

@bigdogpaws , I'm sure you're right, but stuff like this has been mentioned and received a flat refusal.

If she does get to see a GP or HCP (which she can't always avoid) she blithely tells them that everything's fine, and she doesn't need any help as her adult son lives with her. The latter is factually true - but his ND means that he can't see what needs doing, can't initiate action, has no social contacts to enable him to understand "normality" -- she cares for him as much as vice versa

He's learned how to do the dishwasher as she couldn't operate the new one. He can't use the washing machine, use a tin opener, change a lightbulb. He doesn't seem to see the dirt, the faeces, the rodents, the mould any better than she does.

I've alerted the GP surgery to the situation but my brother is registered with a different surgery so facts aren't joined up! And yes, I've said he should change GPs but what do I know? Ha!

I agree, I don't think she's able now to learn how to set up Alexa etc, even with help (I tried). But if she'd accepted the idea of a large button phone +/- speed dial a little while ago, she'd know how to use it by now! And it worries me that she could come to grief whilst my brother is out (he goes out regularly to walk the dogs - yes, there are two small trip hazards/infection risks aka terriers to add to the fun).

The last couple of years have brought some significant falls and a major heart attack so it would be sensible if she had the means to call for help independently. But (to continue the theme) what do I know? Ha!

@Eclipsing Sounds like that will be a tough weekend. Hopefully you and your OH can factor in something nice for the evening so it's not all stressful.

Apologies if you've already covered this, but do you think anyone in your family could persuade your DM to have a 'general check up' (ref cognitive ability) with her GP? Lots of things you've said remind me of things my Mum (with dementia) does. I've managed to keep Mum's living room looking tidy but every other room in her house is messy and dirty (not something she would previously have allowed). I think part of it is definitely that she just can't see it properly, but she is also hoarding 'stuff'. She's now also started complaining about her appearance and that people will think she's 'funny' or say nasty things about/to her etc. I think partly it's an excuse to avoid going anywhere (she told a HCP the other week that she couldn't go to a day care centre because she has nothing to wear and everyone will laugh because her hair is grey and she's gone skinny) but also a symptom of the dementia that she imagines scenarios where even people she knows well are being unpleasant to her. I've suggested taking her to the hairdressers/buying new clothes etc and she absolutely refuses so I don't think it's that she logically and genuinely is unhappy with her hair/clothes etc. I know you've also mentioned before about your DM not being able to use the phone but not being interested in finding better options. My DM also has very poor vision but actually it's her cognitive decline that prevents her from being able to manage the phone. She and my brother blame any issues on her vision but actually she just can't manage even the simplest phone other than to call a few speed dial numbers.

I recognise that the family dynamics may be such that you don't feel able to broach this even if you think it could be worth looking in to

Well I will be doing the long drive to the childhood hometown this weekend. My OH is coming, we're staying in a budget hotel in a slightly scabby part of town as nicer options cost a fortune.

Speaking to my mother it seems clear that we're expected to take my brother out for lunch with her, and I don't want to (for a lot of different reasons) but can't really say no!

She also said that she had planned to write to me to warn me of a few things; it's already been agreed that I won't be going into the house (her refusal to acknowledge the squalor having caused considerable distress and some huge rows previously) but also she says she is now very skinny and has lost a lot of hair so doesn't feel she looks like herself, plus she's v ashamed of her garden as the previous gardener went AWOL and she hasn't got a good replacement.

I have suddenly realised this morning that my "approval" seems to mean a lot to her, and I'm struggling with this idea. How long has she felt like this? And why? Given that I've needed plenty of external help over the years to overcome the fact that my childhood was blighted by seeking and usually failing to get her approval - why the volte face?

To be fair, @rookiemere , I think any sane normal person would be of low mood if they were in your mother's position. It might be impossible for a tablet to help with that, and if her life expectancy is very short it may well be that no tablet would have time to take any effect before nature runs its course. There would also be the possibilities of the tablets causing increased agitation or sedation.

But Congoing around the cafe made me smile wryly!

That would be how the rest of her family see it but for some reason DM absorbed some 70s pop culture ideas like therapy and sharing your feelings. She read all the self help books on the bestseller lists at the time.

I’m in two minds about it, I suspect it has encouraged some bad habits and yes some self indulgence! And I don’t think she usually grapples with big feelings/issues, I think she likes to win therapy by being charming and having a nice chat.

Where your DMs willing to go to counselling? Mine (80s) doesn’t believe in it and thinks it’s very self-indulgent.

Whereas obviously it’s fine to make everyone around her miserable.

Yes it’s a good plan if she’ll engage, at the very least it’ll mean that for that period of time someone else is listening and giving you a break from hearing it.

I keep trying to redirect my mum back to her counsellor. It’s like intimate care, it’s not good for your relationship to be expected to do all the heavy lifting, it’s so emotionally taxing.

She will have the counselling and then say it was useless because they didn't give her a magic pill to solve all her problems. I am still going to push it though because I feel that a medical professional needs to be aware of her MH and there is the slimmest of chances that DM might benefit from it.

Sorry to hear you've walked straight into another crisis. Hopefully your FIL will realise he needs additional help soon.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn it's like pouring yourself into a black hole, so sorry.

Went to another funeral today, a long time friend of the family. It was a lovely service full of people who wanted to step up and say a few words because he’d impacted so many people in a long and happy life. I quietly blubbed my way through it, which I can only put down to a delayed reaction as I was fine 3 weeks ago for mums funeral. Had to apologise to the family as I was in a worse state than them but they understood and were lovely about it.

I was given mission impossible by DM as an ‘all I want for my birthday, it’s not too much to ask…’

Well I couldn’t achieve it as it involved other people. I did however book a restaurant and plan to meet with other family members.

Today she tells me that it’s not a good place and she wants to go somewhere else. Oh, and I’m not staying long enough, and as I chose the day that’s my fault- nothing to do with my work hours, or her other plans, or the plans of the others involved of course.

So rude. And unappreciative. Nothing is ever enough, and everything is served with a good dose of martyrdom. 😖

Sorry to hear that, it’s so hard. Will she be receptive to help?

MiL talks about waiting to die, not exactly the same thing but similar bleak outlook.

I saw this and thought of everyone on here with a goldenballs brother

This really resonates- everyone else’s family (or rather daughters), who are so much better. Years ago I did used to go on holiday with “D”M whilst I was still single. It was soul-destroying as it was always exactly what she wanted to do. I felt like one of those unwanted ladies’ companions in an historical novel! I’d always return to work feeling exhausted and resentful and like I needed a holiday to recover.

She hasn’t realised that the friends who do go on holiday with their elderly parents have had years of reciprocal care, taking it in turns with childcare, cooking in a self-catering place, everybody mucking in. Whereas I’d be expected to do all of it.

Thank you for the new thread.

It‘ll come as no surprise to anyone here that no sooner had I returned from staying with my mother that an in-law crisis was looming. Oh and I had an expensive two hour dental procedure last week so nothing but uninterrupted fun here.

MiL is barely able to walk more than a few steps even with her mobility aids and FiL is doing absolutely everything, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening etc and now we know that she needs personal care, which he is also providing. They are not interested in moving or having help at home, I have no idea how they’ll manage. We’re the nearest family, 2-3 hours away and we see them every 2-3 weeks.

Absolutely. Resonates!