Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

Oh yesterday’s visit to MIL did not go well. I ended up being very short with her several times.
It was the pre op for her pessary removal op. She was v cross at having to wait 30 mins to be seen, convinced they had forgotten about her. She was v cross at all the “nosy” medical question, v cross they couldn’t tell her exactly what op entails, v cross they couldn’t tell her why dr apparently hadn’t given her a hysterectomy 20 years ago, v cross the pessary had been put in “ without her knowledge “ two years ago. Is that possible? She was in hospital for the prolapse, surely she would have had to sign consent? I didn’t, but didn’t have POA then, and there was no one else. She says now she would never have let them do it, but I’m not sure, she’s been fine with the pessary and it’s helped her loads. If she’d only looked at the hospital letters telling her to attend follow ups…
We then had to phone consultant’s secretary to find out about op. They said she would have to heal before they could stabilise the prolapse again.
That was it, not going will just live with it, too much hassle, am incontinent anyway(?) just want left alone…
I do get it, she’s scared, and tired. But an unresolved pessary can cause all sorts of really serious problems. The Drs aren’t going to these lengths to remove it for shits and giggles. Somehow the whole thing is my fault, or to do with me somehow and it is causing resentment.
Plus she won’t stop criticising her carers. She will only allow two 15 minute visits a day to administer eye drops. They also take her rubbish to the bin, then ‘play on their phones’. But they won’t do a hands turn for her, do nothing etc,etc…because she won’t let them! She would never even let them make her a cup of tea, wipe a dish or anything. So now they know, so they don’t offer. And that is their fault, they’re just lazy, she says to anyone who’ll listen. Then gets cross with me when I point out she won’t let them.
Now I’ve got to wait on hold for operation date. And just pray she tells me!
If she refuses the operation though, I’m going to seriously struggle though, I’ll have to distance myself for a bit,which feels very cruel, but I cannot keep trying to persuade her. She needs to come to the decision on her own I think.
oh, sorry for yet another rant!
( plus I went on Wednesday, planning an afternoon out prior to going to house of doom, but my train was cancelled 3 times, twice when sitting on it then delayed so when I arrived I only had time for a quick meal before I had to go to her house not the relaxing museum trip I’d hoped for, and then had to face her mood because I arrived an hour after I said I would! Now I know, train is not better than plane for this journey, it’s all a 6-7 hour trip to get there whatever way I go.)

I think I find it hard as she wants to go to the doctors straight away and shows me something like a rash and I will ask how long she has had it and it will be something like 1-2 days but then rushes to the doctors and I have learnt not to say ‘well wait a week to see if it just goes’ as that isn’t the right answer but don’t feel like I have the level of empathy as my emotional limit is exhausted with just keeping on top of admin for two houses.

And then I feel awful as she is a great MIL and is kind but I feel exhausted myself and just cannot give anything else on top of the practical support I already give.

@JugglingMyNuts it's tricky because you don't KNOW, when you get ill, if it's going to polish you off or "just", say, leave you blind or immobile.
I take it the problem is she can't deal with her medical affairs by herself any more?
Sympathies.

Hi everyone, still watching this thread to give me a moral boost. Not at the level some of you are dealing with but finding it hard with MIL cognitive decline and anxiety. Every little ache has to be treated as an emergency yet she also says she doesn’t want excessive treatment to prolong her life. My late DM died a lot younger than MIL with cancer and was a lot more pragmatic so am finding it hard when MIL wants to run to the doctors straight away with a rash on her arm in case ‘it’s the big C’ as she puts it or the dentist when her teeth feel funny. I know it’s just anxiety with her age but finding it hard to know how much emotional support to give her especially when we handle all her financial and practical admin which takes a toll on DH and I (we split it evenly). Has anyone been through similar?

This was a threat aimed at DB (founder member of the difficult sibling club)

Oh Gnome this made me laugh.

@ElderlyDilemmas You can't win can you. I have pointed out that Mum is paying hugely over the odds for a basic TV and broadband package (about 4 x what I pay for more, and at least 3 x what the same supplier is advertising for new customers) and suggested we cancel whilst she is not actually living in the house, switch to another supplier or at least renegotiate. Mum and Brother don't want me to cancel (my suggestion, since no one is using it) because they want to have the TV etc for the odd day when they go to her house, don't want me to renegotiate with the current supplier because Brother says there are better deals out there, and don't want me to switch the supplier because apparently brother knows all about it and knows how to find the best deals. This has been going on for months and she has spent thousands on broadband etc that no one has even been using. I am the bad daughter for not somehow managing to force the existing supplier to charge less without signing up to a new fixed term, to give Brother time to 'look in to it all'. Brother apparently is something of a technology wizard and knows about special ways of doing things and one-off deals that I couldn't possibly work out. Meanwhile Brother is also complaining that the price of his own (SIM only) mobile contract keeps going up but he can't change it because he doesn't want to have the headache of changing his number. I have tried to explain that you can transfer your number to a new supplier but he's the expert so won't listen.

@Bweave you are in the west of Ireland? There will be a public nursing team which can sign post the geriatric services on the HSE. Your GPs receptionist will have the numbers too. In some ways we are luckier not to be dealing with the NHS! There will be a memory clinic and a whole world of well hidden services which may help your Mum. My DM has care visits from the local team, which is free and a great peace of mind.
Also look up the Fair Deal scheme. It funds care homes for when being at home isn't safe.
Edit to add - meals on wheels for while you are away? There will be a service locally and at least some food will arrive every day so she can't throw tomorrows food out.

I am on month 9 of Mum getting hysterical because I switched her gas and electricity suppliers and also boiler service contract (saving in total about £120 a month). Honestly I thought I was helping as she was really worried about copping financially with Dad now having to pay nursing home fees, I wish I hadn't bothered, I am sick of it all. These big companies prey on vulnerable customers who never switch, she's bloody lucky she was able to afford to be ripped off for £85 a month boiler cover for all these years but no, I'm the bad guy here.

I've had a response from the doctor's surgery, I've got a telephone appointment next week with no indication of a time, not even a morning/afternoon.
Which means of course they'll phone while I'm on the train in an area with limited signal 🙄

I have seen my ER in hospital.
She seems ok. No catheter at least 👍

Now imagine my shock when an actual doctor came up to us at her bedside and said, "You asked me to talk to your family..."

Normally I have to play phone tag and stalk my prey through wards and corridors to get to talk to a doctor treating a family member so I was shocked but pleased.

So now we've had a run down from the horse's mouth and been reassured that they have some sort of idea, some sort of treatment plan, and it's being carried out. Hurrah.

Big props again to DH who dropped me off, parked the car several streets away, and did a run past M&S and Costa before joining us at the bedside. My step mum is supportive too but lives nowhere near - it's still good to have someone to talk to though.

PS Dr was young, personable and handsome and has an Insta lol, good for ER ;)

There's an odd relief in knowing that everything's in hand for now.

Quite sobering seeing the lady in the next bed who mainly lay there and made intermittent groans. At least we're not at that stage yet.

@Laughingravy my DM moved from hospital to rehab to CH. There were in fact a couple of returns to hospital in all of that but the trajectory towards CH was becoming increasingly clear.

At the point where DM was being got ready to leave rehab it was made clear to us including to DM (notionally still had capacity) that going to a CH was her only option.

If DB and I didnt arrange it then she would be sent to wherever there was space for assessment. This was a threat aimed at DB (founder member of the difficult sibling club) as he doesnt drive. His convenience wouldnt be a consideration.

I found a suitable CH (DM self funding) within a couple of days, hospital transport was arranged and away she went. The rest is now coming up to 2 years of history.

re poo being where it shouldn't --

The last time I was in my mother's house, I went into the bathroom to find the toilet lid down, and faeces on top of the closed lid. Not a lot of faeces, but in my book, any at all = too much.

This is despite her ranting at me that she can see perfectly well to clean, her house isn't dirty, she's happy with how she lives, she cleans what's necessary and my brother apparently tells her if she misses anything (as he doesn't do any cleaning, perish the thought).

I haven't set foot inside since. I can't bring myself to. TBH there was a sense of relief when she subsequently told me that she didn't want me visiting because my criticism of the state of the place made her so upset and depressed, she wouldn't sleep and it would make her ill.

She told me on a previous visit that the reason the toilet bowl looked so stained was because she'd scrubbed it so hard to prepare for my visit that she'd taken the enamel off.

I don't think I look stupid but maybe she thinks otherwise?

@Dormit re social stuff - my elderly person wasn't very social before she was widowed (the "welcomed COVID as it was an excuse to avoid people" syndrome is familiar to some posters here!).

She got depressed after she lost her husband and got visits from a lady from the elderly mental health team - who did help 👍 - but the list of clubs and activities she could go to were just ignored.
She did have carers coming in 4x day though, so outings regardless, she now gets far more social contact than she did.
I think it would have been a good idea to join a weekly lunch club but (shrug) clearly she wasn't really interested.
My parents were both quite active socializers, so I hope I'll be more like them!

@Eclipsing 'My letter spelled out other issues - the deafness, the falls that she'd not told them off, the loss of vision that was being overlooked, the general appalling conditions in which she lived, the fact that she was so stubborn that I couldn't be sure whether her denial was just her personality or loss of understanding of the situation'.

This is all familiar with Dad. In our case the OT getting involved being the issue. Up until a few months ago he just had a carer once a week who did the cleaning and changed the bed etc. Despite there being more urgent things to be done he always insisted that her first job be to do the ironing. Now registered blind he couldn't see - Apologies if TMI - his poo had got to where it shouldn't be. And he's always worn pale coloured trousers and completely misses they are stained, even after a good soak.
Like yourself it's hard to tell if it's him just being an awkward old bugger or that he doesn't appreciate the situation. I fear it's the latter.

The good news is he's come back round to going into a care home and that most of the HCPs, including his consultant, agree that somewhere with 24/7 staff is the way forward. It was so lucky when I last visited that the consultant was doing her rounds. It does get frustrating having to endlessly repeat ourselves regarding what's happened and how he's living now.

So we are waiting for him to be discharged from hospital to a rehab unit. once there we can get him sorted with a home - it's rather sobering to think it'll likely be the last stop on his journey.

@Bweave there are more issues than just you doing a shop for her.
Can you move stuff like cereal into your room so she is less likely to bin it?

If you really analyse what most people eat week to week, we're all creatures of habit. I'm sure most people eat about 15 meals on rotation depending on weather and speed of cooking.

Thank you. I will do this. I don't know if I was very clear. She's purging my stuff too. Everything and anything us getting fucked into the bins every two weeks - cereals, butter, cooking oils, spreads, soups - everything is going in the bin. I don't want to do a shop and come home thinking there us still stuff at home to eat and it will likely be gone.

Can I get some advice please.

I do online groceries every week because it's so convenient. I don't drive so it also helps so much. My mother makes a list and gives it to me and she adds her shopping in with mine and I pay with my card from my account. She pays me back in cash.

My observations is that every week is different but her groceries and food lists is so limited and small. There's hardly any variety in it. The only fruit she eats is bananas and there's not a lot of vegetables either. Sometimes potatoes and sometimes carrots. Her food shop could be about 30 pounds for the week and it's my shopping that takes up the bulk of the stuff.

I am due to go away next weekend for a few days. My mother is requesting me to do a grocery shop and I am not too sure about this one. This week I would likely only need some stuff for packing sandwiches for the airport. I could nearly buy it all locally one of the mornings for cheaper than a weekly shop. I think a online grocery order would likely only encourage me to buy more than I really need this week. Does that make sense.

But there's more.
If I do an online grocery shop there's potential my mother won't leave the house at all, all weekend. Whereas if I didn't do a shop she could take a walk to the local village for sole social interaction. If I did a shop for her, she would likely just be at home being ocd.

There's more. We have bin collection every two weeks and one of her behaviours is purging everything no matter what. Just purge, purge, purge. If I do a shop, a lot could be dumped by thr time I get back.

I feel guilty thinking about not doing a grocery shop and going away for a week and leaving her to it.

Good luck @MittensTheKittens

Last night I came across the copy of the letter I wrote to DMs GP last year.

Now if what you want is a cure for ageing and dementia then yes, HCPs are useless. It won't happen - as we all know!

So I think the key is to pitch appropriately. GPs can do the initial screening, organise tests and referrals, but I think just as important is that in E+W (prob Scotland too), GP surgeries will act as a referral hub for many other HCPs.

After my mum was chucked way too soon out of hospital post-heart-attack, a GP from the surgery phoned her quite quickly. But they didn't know her and weren't aware that she didn't hear half of what they said on the phone but made polite noises and gave the impression that all was fine.

My letter spelled out other issues - the deafness, the falls that she'd not told them off, the loss of vision that was being overlooked, the general appalling conditions in which she lived, the fact that she was so stubborn that I couldn't be sure whether her denial was just her personality or loss of understanding of the situation.

Within a short space of time she had visits from the crisis SW team who organised cleaners (which she tolerated until learning she had to pay, then she cancelled them!); physios who supplied walking aids and balance exercises; OTs who organised hand rails to go through the front door - lots of little things that I couldn't have done myself, but which made a big difference.

She's still elderly, frail, deaf, stubborn and nearly blind of course! But she has rehab'd from the heart attack pretty well, is having far fewer falls, and is now known to the SW team for when the next crisis hits.

I've bitten the bullet and filled out the form on the GP's website asking for advice.
Let's see what happens next.

@Dormit could her reluctance be that she only wants you to do it and thinks that by refusing to engage with others you'll have to step in?

My Mum tried a befriending service via Age Concern - I think it started off with a phone call or two before they met in person which helped ease my DM into it.

@Dormit it might be worth seeing if her GP has a social prescriber service, my DM's does and as well as making suggestions and openings to social activities they run a monthly coffee meet-up for anyone who just wants a chat. Of course you have to get your mum to agree to talk to the social prescriber.

Lots of good suggestions above, to which I'll add - would your mum consider being referred to a befriending service, if any exist in her area? Local charities and places of worship sometimes do this, and I think Age Concern has too (maybe not now though).

@Dormit was your DM a social person when younger? Was she an introvert or an extrovert?

As she got older my DM became more inward looking. She was always a bit awkward in social settings. Needed social events to be quite structured and to have an 'official' role. Once she couldnt cope with the duties of these roles she would drop out.

Does your DM have any interests or hobbies to occupy her time?