Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

That happened to me and Dmum with the cognitive test. Scored 27/30 which left me gobsmacked. But 6 months later (last week) and she is down to 17/30 and when she protested the GP kindly explained that he had talked her through the next steps 3 times in the last 10 mins . At last I feel believed but it is sad.

Thank you all so much, honestly it makes more of a difference than I could have imagined to be backed up by people who really get it!

@Exhaustedpickle You’re right, of course - it would be nice not to have guilt or resentment but I think that ship has sailed.

@roundaboutthehillsareshiningthanks for the practical info, all really useful points. The trouble is if I start to help, when they can’t have what they want when they want it I fear it will be my fault!

@EclipsingI think they might be, or at least expecting to be driven around and to be helped with things. They’ve just been absent for so long, even when the DC were small and we would have loved even an afternoon off they never offered to help. I know it shouldn’t be transactional, but….

@rookiemereI hadn’t even thought of that, but from what they were saying and the irrational entitlement they were showing, that could quite easily have been the result. I think they’re set on coming, but I don’t have to expedite the process.

@KirschcherriesThat’s good advice, I think renting will be a hard sell but I’d rather a landlord has to deal with their bitterness and entitlement than me.

PS I'm also sending 💐💐💐 to you all. Dealing with these elderly relatives is harder than anything else I've done.

Hello, I'm new to this thread - please can I order a decaf cappuccino?
I've been on MN for ages and have long known the wisdom and compassions of these threads without having to be part of them as yet.

We are just trying to work out and navigate life with two sets of elderly parents for me and DH - MIL has frontal lobe damage and so has behavioural changes that are really tricky - paired with high blood pressure.

My own DM is caring for DF who has been suffering with urology problems for 3 years now - has an indwelling catheter which keeps having issues. DM doesn't eat enough and DF doesn't drink enough which causes probs with his waterworks.

We live about 1.5 hours from my parents and 2.5 hours from PIL - there are siblings but we are definitely prime support for my PIL and we are looking at moving closer to them - about 20 min drive away which puts me closer to my parents too. This would involve moving teens out of school (but not exam years) but because it's a cheaper place to live would mean we could have a bigger house and have more cash in hand to do other things than we currently can (as well as not worrying about having to do a 3 hour round trip to take someone to a hospital appt for e.g)

I am really humming and ahhing about what to do.

@NeedMoreTinfoil I think sometimes the message only lands when coming from certain people/professionals. And pain is so debilitating - I definitely see a cognitive effect with my df when he is in pain but he too is reluctant to take anything for it.

@UnnecessaryComplications so if I have understood correctly, your parents are not buying your ex-rental?

If that is the case then that is probably a good thing. By the sounds of it you could have been stuck with them complaining and expecting you to sort everything out. They have only remembered you are family now because it suits them.

GP appt done. Lots of tests show heart/kidneys etc ok. Which is all good news.
DM told to take painkillers for osteo arthritis - exactly the same advice she was given 5 whole months ago at the hospital but has stubbornly ignored so far. GP has prescribed the drugs though so she may be more inclined to take them rather than refuse to buy them over the counter.
She also aced her cognitive test. Then asked me twice while we were waiting to pick up her prescription why we were there....🙃

Solidarity to all.

Another day, another medication cock-up (from the clearly labelled dosette box). I fear as fast we are trying to put support in place, the more he is needing or going to need. Just 1 constant worry after another

@UnnecessaryComplications I agree selling them the house has disaster written all over it. Separating your own financial and wellbeing from ER’s is the best way to proceed.

Given their health issues and the potential to sadly deteriorate it makes sense for them to rent rather than buy. Renting gives the options and flexibility whether they choose to stay abroad or come back to the UK.

@UnnecessaryComplications , that sounds horrendously difficult for all concerned.

Are your ERs hoping that you will care for them if they move back to the UK?

I feel extremely lucky in many ways. Though I'm struggling with ER, my own mum became disabled in her 50's, when I was fairly young. That forced to move to a flat, have a wet room installed, grab bars, etc when my parents were definitely still young enough to navigate those choices relatively easily.

Now they're in a building that works for them being older. They don't need to move because everything is set up for someone with reduced mobility, they're in the centre of town with great public transport, supermarket, etc. And my mum is used to engaging with medical professionals, so that isn't a battle - she's still with the team who support people with her disability, she isn't "fobbed off", and she's willing to listen and get help as she needs it.

It's funny because as a young person, having a disabled mum was so hard sometimes......

Sending 💐💐💐 and healing thoughts to everyone dancing attendance on an elderly relative while ill. We spent all day with ILs this weekend and now I’ve come down with something and hope I haven’t given it to them. They’re due their covid jabs next week and we’re planning to travel down to drive them to the appointment so fingers crossed.

MiL is almost housebound (she doesn’t leave home more than a couple of times a month and never on her own) so I don’t understand why they’re required to travel for this appointment. FiL is really not up to getting her from the car to the village hall, which has no appropriate parking and is on a steep hill. We need to look at helping them adjust their expectations around these kinds of errands, to start asking about adjustments for MiL’s mobility issues.

We had a lovely (though long) day having lunch at their favourite restaurant. They were both on excellent form, memory, mood and mobility all relatively okay. They do always manage to corner DH on his own to complain about each other. They’ve always done this to a degree but now it feels like the stakes are higher.

Raising a glass to you all 🥃

When my DM was in hospital recently she'd ask me to pick up a couple of items from her flat which was a 1hr+ detour. So I'd do that, bring the things to her in hospital and then the first words out of her mouth would be "The next time you're at my flat could you...?" And that's when I'd get a stress headache.

@funnelfan I completely agree. I don't think it's ever to early to have conversations about plans for old age, and any active steps to help make old age more pleasant really need to be take a long time before they become a necessity. I think one problem is that many people don't want to feel they make changes too early, so end up not doing anything until there's a crisis when choices tend to be limited and the elderly person is feeling unwell/vulnerable and not looking at the bigger picture.

My DM didn't do any significant caring for elderly relatives. She and DF had siblings who lived closer to her parents/PIL and relied on them a lot when they were younger so she took the view that it was perfectly reasonable to leave day to day help to the other siblings. She had an elderly aunt that she helped sometimes and she often said how much better she handled old age than her father did. Aunt moved in to sheltered accommodation as soon as it became clear her mobility was declining, took part in loads of activities etc and was always very cheerful about how much she could still do (rather than focussing on what she couldn't do), Her father insisted that he should be cared for his family, only wanted to talk about his medication regime and complained that no one was ever doing enough for him. Guess which one DM is more like?

Sending many good wishes to everyone in the thick of it. The changing seasons always seem to precipitate declines or crises.

Just a point on foreseeing issues and heads in the sand - my mum did actually go through all this herself with her own mother. However, she took no steps at all to avoid being in the same situation herself, very frustratingly making the same mistakes (eg leaving it far too late to downsize). It ended up being me that learned from mums experiences as with each new “unlearning” as mum declined, I remembered a similar situation with grandma and mum complaining about it. So in some ways it was quite reassuring, but also worrying that it’s a glimpse of my own decline!

My own conclusion is that any planning and active steps for ageing have to be done now and not put off any conversations for 20+ years. It is not too early in your 50s as I keep arguing with DH. But I think it’s human nature to put it off, and you’re in a minority if well organised for old age.

@UnnecessaryComplications You (they) might find the Age UK advice leaflet on moving back to the UK helpful - https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/returning-to-the-uk-after-living-abroad-heading/. They need to consider the implications for benefits, tax, bank accounts, etc,especially if they are trying to purchase your house or find housing for themselves. Unfortunately they might need help navigating the legal issues around moving back - it's a big upheaval especially if they have social care needs. I think you'll need to be quite clear on how much you can support them in navigating the legal side, if nothing else.

It is absolutely okay to just hold your distance. If you feel there is something practical you could do to help that won't put additional pressure on you then maybe consider it, but it is also okay to pull back and live the life you created for yourself while they live the life they chose.

I've seen it often mentioned on here that you have to choose between resentment and guilt in these situations and I have somehow ended up with both but I do think guilt is the better choice!

Hi all, long term reader here as I knew some kind of crisis was coming for me, but I think it may have arrived. Sorry in advance for venting.

My elderly parents have lived abroad for over 30 years in a series of large, gracefully decaying homes with a lot of land which they have been less and less able to maintain as they age. We have always known that this was not sustainable long-term and tried to have conversations with them about their exit strategy, but were assured that their country’s government would take care of them much better than in the UK so they’d be staying put.

In the last year or so, DF’s health has deteriorated with a series of strokes and falls and he is current incapacitated with a broken hip. DM has been in less steep decline for a number of years with some
mobility issues and a cancer scare. She is however, a quite tricky character who always wants to blame other people and has is quite jealous and bitter. She has used being ‘old’ as an excuse to do very little for as long as I can remember). They both also drink to excess.

Because of their health issues they have now decided they want to return to the UK and have managed to sell their house abroad. The trouble is they don’t really have a plan about how they can actually make this happen since neither of them can really physically move at the moment (DM also managed to fall over this week) and how to manage things when they get here.

We own an ex-rental house near us which we are trying to sell, which they had previously viewed but rejected, as a potential place to live on their return. We had an offer on the house a few weeks ago (we are desperate to sell due to a recent change in financial circumstances) and on hearing of this, DM decided they did want to move there after all and made a slightly higher offer.

They have been quite inconsistent on how they see this purchase working, timescales, availability of funds etc and every time it was discussed, they seemed to have changed their mind and feel they were being in pushed into something they weren’t ready to commit to. However, as we needed the commitment to be confident enough to reject the other offer, I set out clearly to them in an email what we discussed and expected timescales – obviously not legally binding but clear cut and emotion-free way.

They (although I think mainly DM and DF is incapacitated at the moment) took massive offence at this due to the formality of my tone and belief that I was ‘bullying’ them when they through it could all be done on trust due us being family. In response I received an email full of vitriol, conflating past issues (money they have previously gifted us), ranting about how difficult their situation is, their various health conditions and other attempts at emotional blackmail. We eventually agreed to leave it as too difficult, but they are left feeling aggrieved that they did not get what they want and that I do not understand how difficult it all is for them.

I understand that they are in pain, scared and do not know how to resolve their current situation, but I cannot offer any practical help due to the distance, and cannot help thinking this was an entirely foreseeable outcome. We are not close because of the distance and having had a quite an unhappy childhood due to their personalities, and how insular and self-focussed they have become over the years.

While I feel sympathy for them, I am not willing to move heaven and earth to resolve issues they have created or act as their emotional punching bag because of their feelings around the situation they are now in. Is it OK to just hold my distance? I’ve seen the ‘sympathise but don’t solve’ approach recommended here (Yes, that does sound difficult – what are you going to do? etc.) so have been trying that but it is a hard line to hold. I feel like any help I do offer would be wrong anyway and the situation would be twisted and misremembered to become my fault.

Tbh, I’m not even sure what they think will be different when they get back here. They’ve missed my DC growing up and they have no relationship with them and I have no desire to spent huge (any) amounts of time caring for them or entertaining them because I have a busy life which I have built without them in it. I feel like they only want me now they need help but it’s too late. I have grown beyond them, made my own life, seen them for what they are and am just not interested anymore. But still….. the guilt.

Just dropping in to send "and breathe" vibes to those dealing with more stress than a person should have to handle - which seems to be all of us in here!

I am banning forever more the phrase "oh while you're here can you just ......" !!!

MIL is trying to pick people off she thinks will be sympathetic about the whole hospital bed at home situation, messaging about how her back is so bad and there was nothing wrong with her previous bed etc. and how no one is thinking about her and her needs, just the carers.

The bed was disgusting and beyond unsanitary and not appropriate for her needs and the carers wouldn't be able to do their job.

It's exhausting and manipulative behaviour.

@BlueLegume that is so true, “we are a generation fighting a battle our parents did not fight.”
Like so many, it’s like running two households.

My DPs continue buggering on. DF has improved since the summer when I’m sure the heat and dehydration sent him slightly doolally. No paranoia for a while now. DM still refusing a cleaner but she has started to try to tackle more cleaning herself, except she’s 90, scattered and inept and easily exhausted.

I’ve done a bit here and there but have given up on the battle to get a cleaner in as she won’t have it. So back a step or two, if not to square one. They’ll just have to bugger on til something happens.

DF bought an air fryer last week, so we had a tutorial the other day. Bless him although I get annoyed with him he has always loved a gadget and he does still manage to get the hang of things, just about, which isn’t bad at 98.

I'm dropping in for a very large hot toddy (feeling cold and have a cold). Happy to stand a round or two for everyone else here.

DM's short-term memory and ability to do basic stuff like operate phone/cooker are rapidly declining. Leg issues mean she struggles to walk or leave the house.

I feel like I'm barely clinging on mentally. I'm just so tired of me and DH being the only people responsible for DM. DM does have sporadic and very welcome help from friends but it can't be counted on every week and I feel utterly worn down with jobs in my house and garden stacking up, missing social stuff which clashes with her appointments and my business being neglected.

DM gets some results at GP tomorrow. Probably won't be conclusive but I hope will set her down a path to get a diagnosis, and then onto a proper assessment from adult social services. Right now DM won't listen to me about her obvious need for more support, just expects me to be there to sort everything out so I think getting someone official to tell her she needs grab rails/emergency alarm/more help with domestic stuff and probably personal care etc may wake her up. I will continue to assist with medical appointments, paperwork and finances but cannot do personal care or continue with domestic stuff as it's too gruelling with a 2 hour round trip to her.

@Lzzyisgod It's so frustrating when you keep having to go over the same loop about getting outside help isn't it. And self defeating really since the time you could be spending with them doing something to help their quality of life (even if it's just chatting and having a cup of tea) is spent rushing around trying to make sure the basics of hygiene and medical care are done.

@JeffLebowski I think you've found the right place here. Just having somewhere to express my frustrations etc with people who get it has helped me a lot. I can completely sympathise with you- my DM complains to me constantly about how awful things are for her but whenever there is a situation where we could actually speak to someone and do something about it she pretends everything is fine.

@rookiemere I hope you get over your lurgy soon and can understand your narkedness. I find that since Mum has needed help it feels her friends, family and HCP treat me as though my whole life should revolve around dealing with what she wants and they've forgotten that I am actually a fully functioning human who has other commitments, gets ill sometimes and (dare I say it) occasionally wants to do something just because I enjoy it. I've had a few occasions where I've felt unreasonably irritated by well meaning extended family members badgering me about trivial things to do with Mum.