Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

Please help! Don’t know what to do… respite care

30 replies

Brummiegirl82 · 10/09/2026 13:02

Bit of advice needed please: Parent with dementia (PWD) has advancing cognitive decline, can now only shuffle, is very frail, can’t easily get out of chairs and needs 24 hour care from Parent carer (PC). PC has been providing complete care, dressing, washing, toileting, for years with no break. PWD now increasingly believes PC is an intruder or is lying or has gone mad and is attacking them, and they become aggressive and violent. Often becoming upset for hours at night time, varying between having fairly normal conversations with visitors then turning on PC when they are alone. Now PC needs a small stay in a hospital and needs to recover, it is a day procedure but PC needs time to recover alone at home afterwards. I don’t think it will be safe for either of them to try to recover while PWD is also at home, so think a respite place would be beneficial for a short time. PC has privately told me they also want this. But PWD has a deep fear of being abandoned and put into care and will refuse all suggestions of this, and become aggressive if this is even mentioned. Added to this, we’d have to go through adult social care as they have no savings. Any kind of needs assessment or people asking about finances would trigger suspicion and anger in the PWD. I don’t know what to do… any ideas?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 10/09/2026 13:15

If there are no savings then yes you will need to go through social care.

if PWD becomes violent then that will recorded.

it’s likely given that the need is (presumably) for a few days social care will suggest that the adult children do it.

dbasf · 10/09/2026 13:12

You could also try your local mental health NHS Trust. They should have an older adults service that will include community and inpatient teams that can asses and support with some of the challenging behaviours and care needs.
Again, you may need to fight, but make it very clear the strain this is having on PC and the potential for harm to both parents if there is no support.

FeelingOldOldOld · 10/09/2026 13:12

My understanding is that there can be quite a long wait for an adult social care assessment, so it may not happen immediately anyway. Obviously this may be area dependant - hopefully someone who knows more will be along soon.

Brummiegirl82 · 10/09/2026 13:09

What? Oh, that is so hard. So social care will just refuse to help? We were hoping just a few days in respite for PWD would help PC to recover, but it looks from your post like you had to step in and do the care yourself?

OP posts:
ElizaSchuyler · 10/09/2026 13:06

You have to contact adult social care. We had a similar situation except Parent Carer was taken in to hospital very suddenly by ambulance. I will warn you, you may have to fight. A neighbour sat with our PWD overnight and then the adult children were pretty much expected to do the care (despite having full time jobs and in the case of my dh, two children with additional needs.

PWD did end up in residential care full time when PC stated that they were going to move out if not as they could no longer cope with the violence.