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Elderly parents
Original poster

My DF85 and my DD13 - don’t know what to do

30 replies

WhenIsaywhoaimeanwhoa · 06/09/2026 07:42

I was with DPs staying over for the first few days of last week. I had to go to work so my DD13 was with them during the day. On my way back from work, she called crying. Said that she had been sitting next to my DF(85-worsening Alzheimer’s) and he touched her legs and tried to kiss her on the lips. She left to go upstairs and I stayed with her on the phone until I got to their house.
this is the first time anything like this has ever happened wirh my DF. He has always been a gentleman, wirh a very respectful ans kind nature. I do believe it’s the Alzheimer’s worsening.
we went back home as soon as I arrived. I have talked to DD in great depth and we have a very open relationship where she knows she can talk to me whenever she needs to. However, Im now in a position where it upsets me to look at DF, and I dont know how to navigate this going forward. She understandably doesn’t want to go there again. It’s breaking my heart that her long lasting memory of her GF (who she has loved for years) will now be of this incident.
i dont know how to feel, don’t know whether im making a big deal out of this, or too much of a small deal (given that it’s likely his Alzheimer’s). My head is all over the place. I haven’t been able to tell DM yet, as I know this will affect her greatly (she has cancer) or my brother. DPs need my support, and I go regularly to help them usually. They have been excellent parents to me and excellent GPs to their grandchildren.

OP posts:
Zapx · 06/09/2026 08:05

Oh wow what a dreadful situation.

Firstly - not uncommon. Secondly - you must tell your family, they might need to think about protecting themselves when with him.

Don’t want to alarm you but my DM had to sleep with the door locked to her bedroom as my DF with Alzheimer’s would try to break in because he wanted sex. We ultimately went down the medication route to help with that behaviour change, but not everyone is comfortable with that so you’ll news to discuss that with your family. If you’re looking at homes you’ll need to tell them about this to help them keep everyone safe.

Original poster
WhenIsaywhoaimeanwhoa · 06/09/2026 08:01

SylvanMoon · 06/09/2026 07:57

Unfortunately increased and inappropriate sexual actions can be part of someone's dementia presentation. The only thing I can suggest is that you explain this to your DD, so that she understands it's not really how her GF is but is the disease driving him. But in the same way, she probably doesn't ever want to be around him alone again. Your DM quite possibly has seen this side of him anyway in his relationship with her (not that she'd necessarily talk about it).

Yes we have talked a lot about this and how the disease affects the brain, the things that can happen.

OP posts:
SylvanMoon · 06/09/2026 07:57

Unfortunately increased and inappropriate sexual actions can be part of someone's dementia presentation. The only thing I can suggest is that you explain this to your DD, so that she understands it's not really how her GF is but is the disease driving him. But in the same way, she probably doesn't ever want to be around him alone again. Your DM quite possibly has seen this side of him anyway in his relationship with her (not that she'd necessarily talk about it).

DoGeeseSeeGod · 06/09/2026 07:55

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. What an awful thing to happen. I don't think you're making too big a deal out of this - it's a traumatic thing to have happened to your DD. You must be terribly conflicted but your main duty as a parent is to keep your DD safe. That means she can't be left alone with your DF now, and yes, perhaps she doesn't come with you to visit him anymore. It does also mean a really hard conversation with your DM explaining why.

It's a horrible, desperately sad situation.

BCBird · 06/09/2026 07:51

This is distressing for you all, but your primary concern must be your daughter. Don't make her go back, not even with you. If she wants to see grandma then arrange for this to happen elsewhere. Is there any support re Alzheimers society on whar to do/how to navigate this? There might be counselling for yiur daughter. U need to speak to your brother too and potentially other people. Her memory of her grandfather may change as she grows older. Good luck navigating this all OP. I do think if there is some professional advice it may feel easier.