How long can vascular dementia progress in very elderly parents?

My friend is mid eighties and has had dementia for ten years now. He’s been in a dreadful state for about three years where he’s immobile, doubly incontinent, blind, non verbal. Apparently he could carry on like this for many more years. It’s beyond cruel.

I think the decline of religion has drawbacks. People seem to fear death so much, it's as if there is no context to it at all, and no difference between fatal events at the end of life and in youth. My grandmother lived every day of her life in her own house, but when her neighbour found her collapsed in her house at 101 years old, the dispatcher actually called out the air ambulance. All they did was confirm that her heart had stopped and she was dead. That's just nuts.

My DPs are in a care home, they called us yesterday because they thought DM had had a stroke and wondered if they should take her to hospital. I asked what they thought and was told it was entirely my decision. They have to be careful, some relatives will want every medical intervention going, others not. In our case we said no - DM 87 is bed bound, frail and has dementia, and I suspect has already had a series of mini strokes, so I don’t think hospital is the right place for her.

I do now think flu and covid jabs are the wrong thing for the elderly. Both my DPs have lived too long effectively as their minds have failed, but their bodies still keep stubbornly working.

It was a blessing for her when she passed away. Even though she had a DNAR the care home still asked us if we wanted her blue lighted to the hospital. We declined. She was put on a morphine drip and died in her sleep a few hours later which was her wish ❤️

If it’s any consolation DMIL was active until almost the last month. She caught Covid-19 and rapidly declined but until then she had even demonstrating some tap steps in a rare moment of remembering them.

My mum was diagnosed around 2017 with vascular dementia. She also had heart issues which she had declined treatment for and had a DNAR put in place while she still had capacity. She managed with carers coming in, and my brother and I helping out.
It was around mid 2021 that the decline accelerated and she went into a care home. Her heart issues escalated and she passed away peacefully without any medical interventions about 3 months later.
Can you ask for no interventions for your mum, just keep her comfortable until the end comes?

@RantingMenoWoman My fathers was in a nursing home after suffering from a stroke which left him immobile
He had vascular dementia as well as Lewis Dolby ( not sure of the spelling ) and Parkinson’s
He just went downhill , his much younger ( my age !!!!! ) second wife wanted all the interventions to keep him going , until one day a Doctor had to get her to understand it wasn’t fair on him transferring him off to hospital every time he got an infection
He died of a cough , about 3 years after being admitted to the nursing home

I don’t think there’s a timeline to follow , it’s just downhill a bit every time they get a cold , until something simple finishes them off , hopefully at home , in their own bed

It's almost impossible to say, mum had Vascular Dementia that started in her early 70s and she passed away about 5 years after diagnosis, she got pneumonia in the end - but she was very frail at the end. She'd been in a specialist home for 2 years or so by that stage. We tried to keep her at home independently but all the care/admin was falling on my sister (I lived a full day's travel away - involving flight and car hire or a ferry and a long drive). One brother lived the other end of the country the other one half way round the world.

She wasn't safe at home.

it was a huge relief in the end when she passed away - there'd been little to no quality of life for her.

We were told 5 years from diagnosis and it was almost that. DMIl did live a little longer.

i have another relative who is in their 90s and has a palliative condition.

They’ve been told that they can’t be given a life expectancy as “in your 90s anything could take you” which was a little difficult for them to hear.

I do wish we could intervene a bit less in the natural course of life. It's one thing to try and cure cancer but sometimes I wonder what the point of statins are. Just keeps people's bodies alive past the shelf life of their brains. I'm so sad to see the loss of my mother in law's whole personality. It's so humiliating, she was so house proud and fussy and full of generosity, and now she shuffles around the place in her pants demanding her son explain what he's doing in her house.

The thing is, if your body and constitution is tough enough to get to 90plus, you’ve got determined genes and it could be some years yet, but obviously no way of telling…I think the uncertainty is one of the hardest parts, you could still be in this situation in 5yrs time. My relative got to just short of 100.
Having been through this and come out the other side, my advice would be think carefully if medical treatment/antibiotics/vaccines etc are the right path to be taking. I know some people want to take everything offered, but personally having seen the realities of extreme old age, it wouldn’t be what I’d want for myself.
I think the sleeping is pretty normal, but if she’s still capable of trying to clean the floor, I don’t think you are anywhere near the home straight yet, at least physically. My relative lived nearly 2 years completely bed bound, having been sat in a chair nearly all the time the previous 3ish years.

My MIL had vascular and Alzheimers diagnosed at 82 during covid times in 2020. She then progressed through the usual falls (4 or 5 a year... her Alzheimers made her forget she couldnt walk), hospitalizations, 4 care visits a day, for the following 5 years until she became bedbound and the carers (alongside DH) felt she needed a nursing home.

She lived almost a further year in the nursing home, being spoiled and making sure she got her Welsh cakes off the cake trolley. She spent 23 hours asleep out of every 24 in the last month, would not eat more than a mouthful, and died as many do of an infection. (Or just had enough).
It is hard to help from afar, but plan in breaks for the main carer. So they can go away and not think about things for a couple of weeks

Our lives pan out as a result of the choices we make.
If her brother feels cross at the situation, he needs to choose to do differently. I hope my adult children never put themselves in this situation and feel dumped upon because of me.
The needs of those at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

My DF has 94 is the same he’s plodded on for years and suddenly gone down hill. I have cared for Mil before who went on for years. It’s not something you can put a time on.

pre dying state
sleeping all of the time
not eating or drinking
confusion
incontinence

DF has all of these, just had the dementia 6 weeks ago.

I think that’s a bit unfair. OPs job is important to her and for lots of other people. DB and DSIL have set their property up in such a way because presumably they wanted to provide support to DM/DMIL.

I have to say though, I do find the questioning from those trying to decide if they should visit or not ( cousins not siblings in my case) a bit tricky to navigate. I am not a medical expert and there are so many things to discuss on the rare occasions I do see a doctor, that exact life span is not something I want to raise.