How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

I don’t think anyone should regard full time caring as being ‘an excuse to avoid a paid job’ any more than a paid job is an excuse to avoid caring. Motivations are complex in all families but I do think people’s choices around caring should be respected if at all possible. After all, Trevor Phillips thinks we should all be doing it.

In my opinion, when someone needs help several times a day just to meet their basic needs and keep them safe outside help should be seen as a necessity, not an optional extra. If family and friends are willing to take this on that's very generous of them but it's unreasonable for one family member to veto using paid carers and expect others to take on caring duties without a say in the matter. My brother/mum have done this, despite the fact that Mum can't/won't spend a night in her home alone so needs someone to be with her from at least 8pm-7am every single day, and I am cast as the bad daughter for refusing to do 'my share'.

OP- what do you think is behind your DB's refusal to consider paid care or to discuss you DM's declining health? Is it emotional-not wanting to accept that she's coming to the end of her life and not wanting to upset her by encouraging her to try carers? Or is it more about his lifestyle. Has he perhaps got used to having to financial responsibilities in exchange for caring duties that (currently) give him a lot of free time in the day? Is he perhaps anxious about what he would do if he was no longer her carer? Understanding the reasons might perhaps help you find a way to persuade him to discuss this.

You should be paying for someone to come in if you refuse to help. After all your brother is carrying the burden and babysitting for you as well.

Her mother can pay for her own care. The OP is already paying for her brother holiday. Plus herself and her own children

It sounds like the brother is living rent-free with the DM and she is paying for all his food and other living expenses as he views caring for her as his 'job' so doesn't work. They refuse to discuss paid care options. The OP is working to support herself and her children and already does quite a lot to help including dealing with medical appointments at least once a week (which I can tell you from experience will be time consuming) as well as looking after her children. Why should she feel obliged to pay for carers?

Tbf I agree, that's quite possible...

Ref your DB

Carers allowance is £345 per month
National Insurance contributions are also paid
He can work if he wishes to, but there is an earnings cap

This is very little money live on

Many people are carers & live in poverty

So far as my mum was concerned, I recall that we were given something like 4 15 minute slots a day - possibly one was increased to 30 minutes at one point.

We did use her Attendance Allowance and also her savings to add extra.

I had more support for respite care when Mum was still living in her own (rented) home - she had a very sympathetic social worker, but when Mum moved in with me there was a change of area and - therefore - social worker.

When DH came out of hospital 4 months after his ischaemic stroke, we were told that he'd get 4 visits a day from the interim team.

The person in charge of the team took one look at me and cut the visits to one a day. After a couple of weeks they were cut to zero.

At the beginning, when I told her that I didn't know how I was going to cope with looking after two disabled people whilst also working full-time, she scoffed "You're no different from me - I have two children!"

If she ever has to deal with moving and handling two adults, she might change her mind. I acknowledge that dressing a young child can sometimes be difficult. Perhaps she should try dressing an adult male with hemiparesis.