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Elderly parents
Original poster

How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

108 replies

Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 10:50

My brother cares for my mum. When he is away (for up to 2 weeks at a time), it all falls to me.

I have two young children and it’s simply too much. Everytime I do it I become unwell. I have vocalized this and am being firm
about needing carers to help with future times he’s away.

My mum has turned really nasty. Said I don’t care about her, she’s not asking for much, it doesn’t take much of my time etc. She’s told me how nasty I am and she said i clearly don’t want her around and don’t love her like she thought i did. She said this is the lowest point in her life and im being unfair in daring to say I can’t do the ‘few things’ she needs.

This is quite a high level of care in my opinion - dressing/undressing, ass wiping, commode emptying, shoes and socks on and off, cooking meals, cleaning, helping her shower.

How do I stand firm? I cannot do NC as they help me out too with childcare sometimes and I don’t have anyone else to ask!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 11:23

He lives there so can do things more easily and doesn’t have any other responsibilities e.g. partner or children.

OP posts:
amber763 · 02/09/2026 11:16

Of course you can say no but if my sister wasn't helping me care for my mum and leaving it all to me then wouldn't give me a break for a couple of weeks a year, would I fuck be watching her kids.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2026 11:14

Your brother helps your mum with dressing and undressing, toileting etc? It sounds like a very tough life for him and with added childcare for you too. What about his life? How often does he go away?

If you don't want to do it then you and he need to look at respite care for your mum. I can sort of understand why she feels you don't care though. Your brother is taking the brunt of it.

Ohcrap082024 · 02/09/2026 11:13

You’re absolutely right to hold firm on what you are and aren’t able to do in terms of caring for your mum.

But there are bigger questions in all of this. Why is you brother providing all the care (including personal) for almost every day of the year?

Also, has there been a care assessment for mum and a carer’s assessment for your brother? We are going through this as a family and it is really difficult. The assessment process is exhausting but essential to get support needed longer term. Is your mum open to this?

You will struggle to get carers for mum to support you while your DB is away if that’s not her usual routine. Unless you pay through the nose.

Justbrieme · 02/09/2026 11:13

We had all of this with DH’s mother. We also had a family member abroad who was extremely vocal in backing her up without this having a massive impact on the day to day for them.

We set limits, they were both unhappy, so be it.

DH was extremely good at not falling for the emotional manipulation. I learned a lot from him.

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2026 11:06

Don’t use them for childcare. Speak to your brother about respite care.

Octavia64 · 02/09/2026 11:04

Presumably your mum is not caring for your children, your brother is.

so what your mum thinks doesn’t really matter but if you stop doing care when he is away he’ll presumably stop doing the childcare.

you will need to decide how much you need your brother.

Meadowfinch · 02/09/2026 10:59

YANBU Can you find a reliable alternative babysitter and then make it clear that you will not be providing personal care again? The answer is simply NO. Look for a recommendation of a local care agency.

Your brother certainly needs a break too.

You can still offer to do a weekly shop for her, or drop her at the hair salon but what is being expected of you at the moment is too much.

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