How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

It’s a bit mean not helping them when they help you with child care.

2 weeks respite for your db doesnt seem too much to ask, particularly given you have help with childcare.

Well there are only 52 weeks per year but no actually the OP can say no when her limits are reached same as anyone else. She had a lot of demands on her time and her mother needs some professional care in addition to the care she is getting from family because the care need is very high.

Don't ask for childcare if you won't help out for 2 weeks.

Get a babysitter and ask them to sort carers.

Well there we go - stop paying for his holidays and use that money to pay for your own childcare.

On the DM front sounds like it’s time for professional carers or a care home if she has the funds. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do personal and overnight care for my DPs however as an only DC that meant carers had to do it. Your DMs situation sounds hard for all concerned but particularly your DB and I don’t blame him for wanting regular breaks from it.

Your DB deserves holidays & respite from caring. It is not easy.
He has little freedom

Your DB should check this, because it will affect his state pension & other benefits

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

If he claims carers allowance, his National Insurance will be paid each year he claims CA

So he does 64 weeks of the year and you do 8. Yeah I would keep my gob shut. It’s your brother who has got the shitty end of the stick here, not you.

DB apply here

Only 1 person can claim

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Does your DM ckaim attendance allowance ?

It sounds like she should

It is not means tested

Your BBrother if under state pension age should claim carers allowance if he is not working or working as per the cap. This will pay his National Insurance contributions while he is not working

Use attendance allowance to buy in help

It really does sound like that the whole family situation needs looking at because your mum’s level of need is really quite high. She may not think it is, but it is.

And yes, this is too much for you on your own. Especially when you have your own dc to look after. It is also too much for your brother by the sounds of it. Yes, he lives there full time so naturally will do more if the cooking and cleaning. But the level of personal care is not appropriate IMO.

I say this as someone in a similar position to you. I have had to be very clear with my mum and sibling - carers coming in or care home. No ifs, no buts.

If they won’t agree, you will have to leave them to it and sort out childcare yourself. That will then force the issue.

Edited to add: Often the sibling who doesn’t live at home can see the problems more clearly and so has to be the one to force a care assessment for both the parent and the carer.

💯 agree with this.

What childcare does your brother do?

I presume it’s not your mum providing childcare if she needs help with her own toileting?

Do you mean your brother cares for her most of the year AND does childcare for you?! The poor man must be on his knees.

If you don’t want to help her, then find carers, but you need to sort your own childcare. Paid childcare.

Absolutely this. If your mother needs outside care and it absolutely sounds like she does then they are not appropriate for using for childcare. It is way too much to put on them.

If they do childcare for you it does make things a bit more awkward. But if you can't manage this level of care for your Mum something else needs to be put in place. But you need to be prepared for them not to do any more childcare.

Does your brother work? I do feel if the sexes were reversed in this scenario the comments would be different. YANBU.

Your brother cares for your mum for the whole year, apart from 8 weeks. He deserves that holiday. And he shouldn't be doing childcare for you on top of what he's already doing for your mum. Any solution cannot be at his expense imo, he's already doing enough and should get time away from being a carer.

The first thing is for you to find alternative childcare. That removes this complication. Then you don't feel 'blackmailed' into providing care and can set your boundaries. It's up to you whether you provide care or not, no one can make you do it.

The second thing is to recognise that you're not the only one with choices. Your brother should equally be able to decide to walk away from caring for your mum, and if that's what he wants, the two of you need to discuss how that can happen. Can he move out, can she afford to pay for care, what care would she be entitled to from the local authority?

I'm assuming your solution isn't that your brother stops going away and doesn't get a break from being a carer. Because that's no solution at all.

You don't to ask someone for help but refuse to help them imo. If you want their help, you have to help them.

That said, it's a huge amount of care, but then so is childcare if the kids are young. I won't be providing any care to my elderly parents so I don't judge, but I also don't ask them for a thing and they don't do anything for me.

I really don't think you can be asking your brother who is already caring for your elderly mother to a high degree to look after your kids (TBF- at all) while refusing to help so he can have a break.

You need a carers assessment, in your own right to start with. Then you can tell DM and DB that the advice is have a care needs assessment for your mum so that you can all get support
Contact your local council, they probably have a 'One Stop Shop",/ Single Point of Access for advice.