How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

The sensible thing here would be to have a heart to heart with your brother. It's too much for you, but it's probably too much for him and almost certainly is without your help. So the two of you need to think about other options and it would be better for your relationship if you discussed it together, rather than framing it in a way that he might perceive as you expecting him to do everything without a break.

What are the options if he drops the rope and stops caring full time for your mother?

Completely agree. Your children are your priority. Please don’t be blackmailed here. If your brother wants to martyr himself then more fool him. Your mother needs to be in a home.

You work from 8-5, so who is doing all this care for her while you're at work? Does DB work or is he with her all day?

Is she really being left for 10ish hours a day unable to toilet herself or get clothes on and off or get food?

I don't see how this can possibly work even if you lived with her if you work 9 hrs a day?

You are naive, if your brother does the majority of the care responsibilities then he has an absolutely awful life and living there does not make it easier. If you really can’t cope then a real hard discussion is required. I’m guessing your brother lives there because he can’t afford anywhere else? If that is the case he must feel very trapped.

This

We don't have your brother's take on this.

Does he want to care for her/keep her at home? Does he do it out of obligation? Is he hoping that this way there'll be some inheritance? Does he resent being her carer?

What does he think about getting either domiciliary carers or investigating care homes? Did she have any money to self-fund care?

I'm not saying that you should do it. I wouldn't want to. I'm criticising the tone that comes across in your posts when you take about your brother going away.

And the post about not going NC because you need them for childcare is pretty grim.

My children are my priority (my mother finds this hard as she feels she should be my first priority as she did everything for me when I was young).

I've come across this view too, from extended family/family friends etc (not just Mum, who I expect not to be rational as she has dementia) and it's deeply unhelpful. We don't owe it to our elderly parents to prioritise them over our own families- they prioritised us when we were small because it's the right thing to do and you now want to do the same for your children. Not to mention the fact caring for an elderly parent is nothing like caring for young children. When my DC were small I decided how best to care for them and could use a nursery whilst I was at work, babysitters if I wanted to go out etc and set their routines to work with the rest of our family. My Mum (and yours by the sounds of it) has decided that she does not want any outsourcing of care, and wants/needs everything to work around her. Plus of course the fact that over time the DC become more independent whereas elderly relatives become less so and the caring becomes more demanding. I have no time for any supposedly rational adult who tries to equate the two, it just shows that they have no idea what is involved in elderly care and/or caring for children.

Personally, I think that having decent paid carers (or residential care if needed) is also better for the elderly person once they get used to the idea. If some or all of the 'caring' is outsourced there's time for family visits to be social and enjoyable instead of always being in a rush trying to juggle everything, which leads to frustration for everyone. Plus if some care is outsourced before it becomes an absolute necessity there's time to think about what works best and perhaps slowly build it up rather than (almost inevitably) having to make rushed arrangements when either the elderly person's health declines or the family caring for them become ill themselves (which is much more likely if they are burning themselves out trying to do everything). Certainly in my experience, Mum's stance that she wants to stay in her own home and not have 'outsiders' caring for her really means that she wants to not need to move somewhere else, or to have carers. They are subtly different things.

Don’t allow your DM to guilt trip you like this. It’s not fair of her. You are already the FT carer for 2 humans. You need to find an alternative source of ad-hoc childcare and tell your DB / DM that you cannot do so much and recommend they get a care assessment for her and get help in. Sounds like it is an unreasonable amount for you DB too! Then stop the majority of what you do and go round once a week for a mainly social visit - and leave if gets nasty!

In my experience of people saying that it is usually because they have no experience with having these demands, young children, a job and an elderly person with high care needs. It is just naivety. Any one who knows, knows @Dottyraindrops

Ignore the people saying you should do it, it’s very easy for them to sit behind a keyboard virtuously imagining that they would selflessly and kindly do x, y and z. They’re not actually in your situation.

Bottom line is your mother has other options, and you can only do the amount that you feel you can do. That’s not something anybody else can judge or contradict as none of us are actually in your shoes.

It sounds to me like you and your DB both do a lot for your Mum. If I've understood correctly you visit daily and take her to appointments at least once a week whilst your DB lives with her and does a lot of personal care for her. I think there's no wonder that when your brother goes away you can't also do everything he usually does for her.

I agree with a pp that the whole family needs to think again at how her care is managed. Who decided that you and your brother would care for her without any paid carers and what were her needs at that time? How does your brother feel about bringing in paid carers?

I think you all need to consider
a) Are you and DB happy to continue doing what you currently do (other than holidays) or is it time for extra regular help?
b) If you are happy to continue, what are the options for paid respite care? Would you mum cope with the changes in her routine if she had paid care just to cover holidays, or would it be better to slowly change her regular regime to include more paid care?
c) How are her needs likely to change in the medium/longer term and how would you manage those increased needs?

I have a similar situation in that my mum and brother have decided that Mum should not have any paid care, despite having quite high needs that will only increase over time. I have had to stand firm about what I can offer to do and unfortunately that has been interpreted as me expecting my brother to everything else and never having a break (when actually what I am saying is that it is too much for both of us and we need outside help so we can both have a break and deal with our other commitments). So I know these discussions are not easy, but need to happen- hopefully your brother will be more realistic.

I wouldn't take your Mum's comments and nastiness to heart. From my own experience and those of friends, it seems quite common for older people who need help to lose sight of how much their children are actually doing to help them and the impact that might be having on their own lives and families. My Mum, who not that many years ago was complaining about how selfish and unreasonable a friend was because she expected her DD to do things that are far less than I currently do for DM, says similar things to me if I won't/can't come running to deal with every non-urgent issue immediately. I try to remember that she is frustrated, unhappy and probably scared of the situation- it's not really me she's annoyed with. But that doesn't mean it's sensible for me to give in to the emotional blackmail.

My way of standing firm and dealing with the complaints about how difficult things are for them/things mum would like to do but can't without more help from me etc is to just repeat some version of 'Yes, that must be really difficult. This is one of the reasons that I think some outside help would be better for everyone.'

I was just thinking the same tbh.

But OP should at least get to say whether she personally feels able to provide respite care or not. It's not automatically on her.

Jeeze. Your poor brother. Caring for her 24/7, 44 weeks a year AND doing occasional childcare for you. And then his sister moans about his having a total of eight weeks away from his caring responsibilities, as if that's totally unreasonable.

Your mum needs care so that he can have a life, frankly.

Your poor brother. What a life.

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you as a loving mother in her position expect your daughter to do what she’s expecting of you at the expense of your own grandchildren? No - of course not.

You can’t always look after everyone Sometime you have to pick. Pick your children and yourself.

Agree with this. I had over 10 years of struggling with my elderly father who appreciated bugger all and it nearly killed me.

I was caring for my grandmother all while recovering from a head injury. In the end, the Consultant I was under said he was going to admit me to a recovery unit if I didn't stop and he did a social services referral for my Nan which meant that care started (she was extremely unhappy about it, as were my Mum/Aunt/Uncle) who were as much help as wet paper bags. I look back now, thinking I must have been not of sound mind to even let them all put that on me.

The only person who can stand up for you is you, I'm sad to say. And your health is no less important than your DM's.

YANBU. Tell your DM she doesn’t love you as you thought she did, after all, no decent parent would want this responsibility (burden) for their adult children in the prime of their life.
Sort out your own childcare and step away.

I have a disabled sister and came under enormous family pressure to provide care.

At a certain point you have to just keep repeating “this is what I can do, I can’t do more” and if they’re angry/upset about that then they can feel that way.

Their feelings don’t control your actions, you just have to learn to feel comfortable ignoring them and repeating yourself.

Have you ever done elder care yourself? Just curious.

Childcare is very different from wiping your own DMs bottom and having to help her in the shower. OP does help, she says she is there daily. Franky if the DM has that plus expects her own adult DS to provide all her personal care, then it’s time to refer her to social services. If she is self funding they don’t do anything, but I do think the DB is entitled to some respite care.

You have every right to set your boundaries.
I would also be very concerned about the volume of work that your DB seems to undertaking, it sounds like an enormous amount of work for him.